31.7.03
eugene likes me~!! (@_@) haha...
16:18
haha we just chased the chinese teacher out of class...now we got
one whole free period to oUrSeLvEs. wahaha~
12:48
im starving here, using my class comp just to blog in. hope jingyi brings up the food. my empty stomach cant take much more...or maybe i'll just go down. wHy am i risking my health for this?
i think i'd better slim down anyway. im getting fat...i can tell from my tummy. its kinda sticking out...i think i need to plan days to exercise.
im gonna go home today and plan a schedule. my messed up life needs some organiztaion.
following the schedule is a totally different thing.
ive never succeeded before...im kinda like, you know, a free spirit. do what i want when i feel like doing it. yep...pretty much non-conformist. or nuts. my mom's been trying to get me to follow a
pReDiCtAbLe schedule for years.
hasnt worked yet haha. all that comes of it is her screaming at me and me messing things up...but i work it all out in the end. in a way.
which usually ends up in more problems which i will solve regardless of consequences. and those consequences are another problem i can solve pretty well, not considering the fact that as i solve one problem i create another.
haha...guess i just live for the moment.
anyway, yeah. i really need to get a schedule...a temporary one i guess.
im still not used to the idea of having my life planned out. eeyeck. the fun's in not knowing what comes next. [in other words, wrecking my life and trying to piece it back.]
11:08
30.7.03
can somebody do me a favour and just kill me?
just had a big fight with my parents.
you know what?
theyre right.
im just not good enough. cannot make it.
no matter what i do i just cant be good enough for people. therex always something wrong with me. always cant please ppl...i cant make ppl happy with me.
im not good enough.
i just suck.
and i dont care if im like some emotional roller coaster or some good-for-nth freaker. cause everyone already thinks that way so im not gonna waste time trying to change their minds.
you know what?
i think they may actually be right.
im just not good enuf.
gtg. tears fogging my vision. no mood 2 type eithre.
23:24
imsoboredimsoboredimsoboredimsoboredimsoboredimsoboredimsoboredimsobored.
kristyisboredkristyisboredkristyisboredkristyisboredkristyisboredkristyisboredkristyisbored.
*yAwNx*
15:06
so sian...today's gonna be a long day man...skool offcially ends @ 1345 but i gotta stay back until 1530 for EIA. then after that i hafta go hang crummy ND banners in skool until 1700. then i can finally go home and rest but i gotta wake up at 1800 to eat dinner then i hafta go off for tuition at 1930 to 2130. then when i go home it'll be 2200 and my parents r gonna force me into bed. wAaAa...so crapped...haixX` my life sucks lah~
13:31
29.7.03
haha my comp jux got the new windows XP...rawkx man ;p its sOoOo fast. hehe i love this computer~
instead of d/c i was made to hang up national day banners after skool yupx...but it was kinda boring. i got the boring job haha...had to hang banners on the 2nd level. i was kinda hoping that the teacher'd let me do the "dangerous" job haha...hanging lil' flags on the 4th storey parapet. now that wouldve been fun.
haha when i told my dear that he gave me the
look ;p the way he's so protective of me...haha its cute...and sweet. he cant take me doing that kinda ting...he's scared i'll hurt myself or something.
he's right. im accident prone. sHh dont tell him. [actually he already knows. just dont remind him. haha]
yepx mi went to meet my darling bf today after delia's BS session ;p haha i made him promise not to smoke more than 6 ciggies per week...okie so itx no big deal...but he's trying to kick the habit for me...and i know what itx like trying to stop smoking. haha if you do it all at once you can practically
die.
haha im in such a good mood today...im beginning to be convinced that its just PMS. yep. first scared then pissed and now happie. haha...ive been adding a haha to almost every sentence since ive hung up the fone after that convo with eugene. haha he really knows how to make someone laff. haha [see i did it again. haha ;p]
okie im gonna work tis new comp a little so i dont really have time to blog in more stuff...anyway nth much happened today. so yeah...ciao~
22:06
28.7.03
phew. close shave. my mom nearly found out about me and my bf.
nearly.
but she believed me...im cool.
for now anyway...she's got this really freaky way of finding out stuff she's
nOt sUpPoSeD tO kNoW.
yup².
19:38
im in skool now.
very bored.
feeling rotten.
im being treated like im invisible by my friends. [inclusive of my best buds]
my teachers are chasing me for homework like im the only one existent.
im so bloody stressed out.
my parents are after me over every single fucking thing.
im alternating between missing my boyfriend like hell and getting mad at and worrying about him.
yup looks like itx gonna be a shittified next few weeks.
i think im depressed. yup. or maybe its PMS. a few days ago i was scared like shit and now im pissed with life. wahaha. maybe i'll be on a high n a few weeks time.
i went to NDP on saturday...the preview with my bf. it wasnt bad...actually it was pretty cool. yup. we were in the east section and the fireworks were like, right on top of us. haha. the fireworks were the only thing that was interesting, anyway.
oh the sunset at around 6+ was pretty cool too.
arghx i cant stop thinking about my laogong...but im not exactly sure why. either coz i miss him, or coz im worried about him. pick one, i cant decide. *sHrUgX*
haha and last week i found him scary. haha im so weird i actually find myself rather fascinating. hm maybe i'll look back on this and do a character study on myself...yupx. but for now i think im either going through an identity crisis or im insecure.
anyway yeah, about my laogong. i dont know why...he keeps talking about going to hell and that kinda stuff. i dont know...it just worries me. i mean, what's UP with him? he's a christian, and he should be going to heaven...yeah, if he is. he's supposed to be. should be.
wait a sec...oh i just found out whats so scary about him. itx all this hell stuff and the fact i hardly really know what he really is inside.
yup. coz if i knew what he used to be like and stuff, i'd know why he keeps talking about going to hell etc. but i dont. so im scared for him, like when i die i go to heaven and find out he's not there [given that's he's dead already. yep] and i dont know what i'll do for an eternity without him. [haha so sweet rite.]
i just WANT him there. with me. when i go to heaven next time i want to see him there. and i cant help him coz i dont know what he used to be like. or whats bothering him. or the reason why he keeps saying that kinda stuff. i just wish he'd tell me. i just wish he'd read this so he could tell me.
i just wish he'd stop talking about hell and just be able to say without a doubt that he'll go to heaven.
i just wish he'd bring whatever's got him to God and sort it out...but he;s not alone, i feel like that sometimes.
like now.
i feel exactly the way he does...
he sorta told me why he feels like that...coz he's got millions of sins unconfessed. like i dont. ive got loads over here. yup.
therex nothing i'd love to do better than just to let it all out with him to God.
...but i dont think there'd ever be a proper time. and how could i bring this subject up again?
hm.
im confused.
...i have no idea wHaT the hell ive been typing for the past 15 mins.
could someone help me sort out my over-fucking-messed up life?!
writing this out din help me feel any better. but at least im able to sort out one of my millions of things on my mind. but that doesnt mean its over. looking at the way things are with me now...its a damn long way to go.
14:11
23.7.03
how can you love someone and be scared of them?
i dont know.
but now u've told me...i just dont see you the same way anymore. i know i shouldnt...but i cant help it. i know you still love me the same...but even now i cant be sure of that anymore. i just cant.
oh man...if only you hadnt told me. if only i hadnt asked. now that i know...i just feel like youre a stranger. i know you, youre still you, but youre just...different now.
its not that i dont accept you for who you are. i still love you all the same, dont get me wrong. i still love you as much as before. maybe even more.
but im...im just scared. im scared of you. you told me little pieces of your past, the boys home, the drugs, the gang fights and stuff. i dont think less of you for it. i dont really mind. its your past for God's sake. but then you told me that it wasnt all.
why did you have to say that?
you told me therex still lots more that i dont know about you.
and itx definitely not good stuff...i know. otherwise you'd have told me already. but now im just so scared of you.
fear lies in the unseen, danger in the unknown. and i dont know you anymore...neither can i see inside of you. youve got a dangerous past...and to me...youre just...dangerous. and im scared, really scared. i dont like being scared of you. but i am. itx the things i dont know that scares me. and i dont know the things about you.
you told me youd tell me when the time was right...and i dont wanna force you to say it if you dont want to. but i dont like loving you and fearing you...i dont like living life scared, waiting in the dark until you open up.
i just wish youd lied and said thats all there was to it.
but then again...i just wish youd tell me all of it and be done with it.
im not scared of your past because its what you might become...im scared cause its what you
were. and until you tell me, i'll always have the thought that my boyfriend has a dark past that i dont know about. im just afraid.
and i cant trust you until i know.
i cant trust you with loving me even though you love me. i cant trust you with my secrets, my heart, or my life. and until i know that part of you, i just cant trust you. i cant trust people im scared of.
it isnt personal. im just afraid. simply afraid of you.
but this is something you'll never know, cause you'll never see this. this is a part of me you'll never see. just like youre keeping a part of yourself from me.
im sorry...but its how i feel. fear destroys you, and it'll destroy me, us, unless that fear is gone. and thats something thats up to you. please tell me, please, please...i really need to know.
i just want you to tell me.
i just need to know.
23:20
21.7.03
+:.love is a mystery
sex is a game
boys do the fucking
girls take the blame
one night of pleasure
nine months of pain
one day in hospital
junior needs a name.:+
[haha cute poem, yeah? ;p no, i didnt write it...]
15:46