25.8.03
havent been in the mood to log in 4 quite awile...
and im not in tat kinda mood now.
but i'll jux update tis tingy coz itx getting pretty boring.
alot of tings haf happened since the last blog...like, ive been feeling worse and worse about you know who...i dont know. these kinda tingx jux get me down...and im not the kind who can let go so easy of tings.
anyway i went totally nutx last nite...
not the normal kinda nutx-mode that i always get into...
i mean, i wanted to go kill myself. im serious.
it all started when i was tokking to sam...coz...well...i still love him. alot. i dont know if he tinks tat way too abt me, but then again when it comes to love its never fair. i jux started by telling him how i felt...abt us, abt him migrating and stuff...then i started tinking maybe it was my fault...expecting too much... hoping too much that it'd work out ok...falling too hard and too fast for him...and how i tot he din love me anymore.
he said he still did...but anyway..
then i started tinking abt myself. all the tings abt me that if he knew, he'd never like me at all. then abt the probx wif fwenx i had last week...the last tym i quarrelled wif my parentx...and how much i hated them n stuff.
then i started tinking abt how much i hate myself...and each time i look at myself, right inside myself, i hate myself like shit. i hate what ive let myself become...selfish, sarcastic, and this im-better-than-you-attitude. i cant stand it...
and last nite it blew up. i wanted to jux go kill myself. and i meant it.
sam tried to talk me out of it but i was jux too damn stubborn to listen. so in the end he was jux too damn pek so he went and sat in the middle of the road n said sth like if wad it took for me to snap out of my suicidal funk was someone i loved to die right in front of me he'd do it. sweet, but at tat tym he jux din realise tat if he had seriously died i wouldnt tink twice abt jumping anywayx.
somehow i begged him off the road and then i wanted to go pasir ris beach to sort out my totx. then he said no more tinking abt jumping k? but i cldnt promise him anyting then. cant promise him anyting even now. but i was pretty set on suicide...and nothing he said then cld shake me out of it. after me half-screaming at him that i'd most probably do it and him half-screaming at me that i shouldnt, we sood there stoning at each other coz well...guess therex nth left to say. then i saw him cry.
serious. he jux cried. i din tell him...but he'll never know how much his tears cut up my heart. i knew he was crying coz he din wan to c me liddat, wanting to die and all and him not being able to stop me...and it jux hurt. i should haf stopped then. but im jux too damn stubborn.
so i still insisted i jux go tink things thru but it was like, 50/50 kinda chance ting...then he jux walked off. twice...and each time i begged him not to go. i din wan him to leave angry at me and hurt coz of me.
after a wile i left 4 pasir ris...then i came back, tinking onli of jumping. as i sat there on the edge at the block...all i could tink of was him. all the times we used to haf...and wad happened jux before then on tat night...and...oh god, him crying, for me, becoz of me...i wont ever forget those tears. and tatx wad made me climb off the ledge n walk back home.
when i tot of him, i jux couldnt go...yet. maybe he realli doent love me like i love him anymore...but realli i dont care. i dont want to hurt him...and if even the tot of me killing myself hurts him tat much, i guess i wont do it then. i'll try to go on, jux for him.
life realli sucks now...and i dont have anything or anyone left. i mean, i know i still have him...even though i dun haf him not the way i prefer to, something is better than nothing at all...at least it isnt all gone. at least he is still there.
he's all i have left...to me, that is, right now. and im not doing it for him...becoz of what we had...and what we still have.
i know i cant live in the past forever...but i jux wish i could have him back again. all the memories...even though theyre part of the past i jux cant let go...i mean, it was heaven to me when i was with him...he gave me all i wanted...then life jux had to take it away. i realli cant let go...i cant explain why but he's the only guy ive ever realli fallen for...like really really fallen. and when i really really fall i know i can never get up again...even if i do it'd take years...
all the rest of the...theyre nothing anymore...and it hasnt hurt this much before...
but i have to go on...for what we used to have...for the old times' sake.
and now at least we're still friends...though itx a bit weird...i guess lifex like tat.
and maybe...jux maybe...im praying with all my hart that 2 years later...maybe there'll still be a place for me left in his heart...or even years down the road... if he still has a place for me there...i'd still wait for him. i'd wait forever...or at least until the day he tells me str8 out that itx no use waiting coz he's never gonna love me back.
but until then...i'll still love him...and i'll still wait and hope that in the future we'll be together again. mayb itx nuts, but who cares? if i quit out of life now i'll never know if we would still haf a chance next time...i'd lose even that thin chance of being with him. so i gotta hold on...just in case.
i'll jux wait...crap, i hate waiting. but i guess onli time can tell...and i guess i'll have to wait it out.
+:.in the years to come
will you think about these moments that we shared
in the years to come
are you gonna think it over
and how we lived each day with no regrets
nothing lasts forever though we want it to
the road ahead holds different dreams for me and you
in a year from now
maybe there'll be things we wish we never said
in a year from now
maybe we'll see each other
standing in the same street corner
though it rains
Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only I could stop the world I'd make this last
sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart
is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now
for you and me
though its the hardest thing to say
i'll miss your love in every way
so say goodbye
no dont you cry
coz true love never dies
and when you need my arms to run into
i'll comfort you
nothing will ever change the way i feel.:+
[but i dont realli wanna say goodbye...]
19:09
14.8.03
im so bored.
waiting for 3 o'clock to come.
then i'll go call sam and see if he's free to accompany me til about 4pm.
i gotta reach home by 4. yep.
so bored. so so bored.
im playing neopets now...on one of Illusen's quests. her quests are actually like one of the easiest...
oh damn i cant find the leek.
crappified.
oh maybe if i type in another search word...
oh i found it. wahaha. yay level 3 here i come.
haixX~ i tink im realli realli bored.
14:39
13.8.03
SIMPLE PLAN
I"D DO ANYTHING
Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head
'Cuz so many things were left unsaid
but now you're gone
And I can't think straight
This could be the one last chance
To make you understand
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
'Cuz I know I won't forget you
Together we broke all the rules
Dreaming of droping out of school
And leave this place
to never come back
So now maybe after all these years
If you miss me have no fear
I'll be here
I'll be waiting
This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
'Cuz I know I won't forget you
I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep I can't forget you
nanana (...)
And I'd do anything for you
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
'Cuz I know I won't forget you
+:.[in memory of the 1 month and 10 days me n my bf spent together].:+
14:01
i din go to skool today.
no mood.
haixX~
im not attached anymore.
yup.
cried like hell last nite.
and this morning.
and everytime i think about what we said over the phone.
actually i dont even know if itx called a break.
so confusing.
he said he wanted to start over again.
we used to be friends...then good friends...and thats when we fell for each other. then we decided to go steady 2 years ahead of time.
yup...we were only supposed to go together when we were 17.
anyway he wants to just start again from that part before we went steady...and then patch in 2 years time.
but normally...that doesnt happen.
im not saying it wont...im really wishing it will.
but normally, it doesnt happen.
each time ppl break up coz they wanna cool off for awhileand later patch up...well...the cooling off normally means cooling off forever.
other words they dont patch at all larhx.
he said he still loves me...he said he'd wait. i wish thatx whatx realli gonna happen.
i could wait forever for him....
but *sIgH* i just dont know about him. its not that i dont trust him, just that...well, im scared.
i dont wanna lose him
i dont wanna get hurt again.
maybe its my fault...maybe i was too stupid in hoping so much.
i dont know.
normally...when this kinda thing happens, the relationship just falls apart.
normally.
but love is forever...and if its forever we'll be together again.
someday.
all i can hope is that this isnt a normal relationship...
that its realli love.
for once.
i dunno wad else to say to express what im feeling...
but if you really wanna know, you can click
HERE and have a look.
yeah.
oh freak im crying again.
freaking hell.
gtg bye
13:51
6.8.03
and the word for today is *dRuM RoLL*...
1st place: kA nI nA~ [27 tyms]
2nd place: kUa sI mI kAo bEi kAo bU kA Ni tA bU cHaO jI bAi~ [3 tyms]
and now i owe my bf 30. haix~
23:13
life's been pretty stressed out these past few days...had loadsa cramming to do for the crappy funfair yupx...had to paint bannerx and posters n stuff...wif tat irritating xXx logo. haha had to paint it all red n black and wyte...mostly red la.
today i went over to jingyi'x house to paint signboards...haha i kicked the cup of red paint and it splattered all over the poster...but the effect turned out pretty cool actuali. on second thoughts it looks like we slaughtered someone in her house on top of black paper. yup :x
hahax funfair'x finally coming~!! cant wait sia...after soOoOo long...hahax itx gonna so rawk man... ;p
haix my bf's having a realli bad week...some reasons i dont know why cause he doesnt wanna tell me [he never does, as usual. but i guess he needs a little privacy. *hAiX* but still...] but i know he's realli realli down n realli realli pissed off...coz his audition didnt realli go too well...the amp wasnt working and the lead singer 4got a verse...haix...and now his band wanna disband liaox...and he's realli damn pissed off coz of that...poor ting la he...*hAiX*
and he's been having this black mood like since forever...jeex man...itx getting me down too...crap man...cant decide whether i wanna be mad at him for his black mood and half ignoring me or mad at his fwenx or jux be mad at myself for being mad at him...
haha...i think im confused.
arghx wadeva.
i very sleepy now la....
22:55
5.8.03
+:.slash.:+
a scar on my hand for each scar on my heart
each and every strike for you
all the wounds that will never heal
that become a part of me
a tear on the skin for each tear that i cried
each tear because of you
all the worry and all the fear and pain you put me through
the pain on my body for the pain yet to come
and for the days and months gone by
for all the fights you lost
for all the fights you win
for all the hurt you meant me to feel
for all the hurt you didnt mean
for all the crazy risks you take
for all the joys and the heartbreak
for all the stupid things you do
for the way you make me crazy for you
for the way you make me hurt
each time you hurt yourself
for the way i cant help loving
just you and no one else
for all the secrets you kept inside
for all the things youve got to hide
for all the lonely nights i cried
for the times you couldnt be by my side
for all the things you never said
for all the things you'll never say
for all the times you left me
when you told me you would stay
for things i'll never know about you
for all the things i already do
for all the truths you'll never tell
for all the lies youve told
for all the things that ive found out
the things you dont know i know
for the way you may break your promise
to love me till im old--
this cut
this final cut
is for you
-dedicated to my babybeng-
10:18
