29.12.03
mood .:+:. [sad.]
listening to .:+:. [nelly furtado--powerless]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [evening]
weather .:+:. [*shrug*]
+:. cause this life
is too short
to live it just for you
but when you feel
so powerless
what are you gonna do.:+
tomorrows cancelled.
he cant go out cos he's doing sth with his mom or sth like that.
maybe i shouldnt...
but i really feel like fuck now.
*shrug*
i mean i was really hoping to see him tomorrow...
argh wadeva. it isnt gonna happen now.
today was total crap.
i had my mom on my back like the whole damn day.
shoutin n yellin n making me slave my ass off.
its like no matter what she asks me to do i just cant do it right.
like, just not good enough for HER.
yeah but i thought it was all okay, i just hafta bear with it for today cos i'll be going out with nick tml.
then he had to cancel it.
i nearly fucking cried on the phone when he told me he couldnt go...
nearly.
good thing i held it...at least till i hung up.
cos if i did he'd think i was psycho or emo or just bloody IRRITATING.
but i really DID cry. i really wanted to.
i mean i just couldnt take the thought of staying home tml.
and getting wacked around by my mom.
just like today.
i could call someone else and stil go out but...im not in the mood to go out with anyone now.
except him.
i dont know...
he's just been so busy these days n calling so little n when he calls its so damn short.
its not his fault but...
damn it hurts alot. ive been trying to ignore it n telling myself it'll be okay...
but it isnt.
just found out that when i cried like shit just now.
its not like i can do anything about it. except cry.
hope he doesnt read this.
cos i know he'll feel bad. i dont want him to--its really not his fault that he's too busy to go out or sth.
i'd be crazy to blame him.
but i really feel like crap now that i know i wont be able to see him for a long time or talk on the phone either.
i really miss him.
its worse than when he was away.
do things work that way??
i dont understand. but i dont wanna know the answer to that question.
i just wish he cld have the extra time to spend more time with me.
some things...guess i just have to put up with.
hope he has a good time tml with his mom.
and i mean that, im not just saying it to sound good.
FUCK IM CRYING AGAIN.
but seriously. i really want him to have a good tym tml.
or at least have a better day than i will.
so i'll be staying home tml n getting treated like crap by my mom.
jees.
just the tot of it makes me sick.
i mean i REALLY CANT TAKE IT.
and schools starting soon.
and he said he doesnt know if he cant go out with me on saturday.
or any day this week.
and i dont even know if he can freakin CALL any day this week.
and im so freakin sick of feeling like crap everytime he has to go after 5 mins on the fone or sth.
but yeah, it still isnt his fault, really.
i mean, i understand if he cant talk long, so its okay and im not gonna get mad or sth like that.
but saying its okay and BEING okay after that is a different thing.
so is not getting mad and feeling like shit after that.
so is being understanding and UNDERSTANDING why i feel like crap.
totally different.
i have no problem with being understanding, not getting angry and telling him that its okay if he has to go.
i can do that. its easy.
but i cant do anything about feeling crapped after he has to go or understanding WHY I CANT BE OKAY after that
but i'll just have to put up with it...cos i dont wanna lose him. and i dont wanna be too demanding.
normally i have no problem being optimistic about stuff.
so i'll be optimistic now.
it wont always be like this.
it'll get better....
someday.
but now, at the moment, i dont feel like living this out.
if i could quit outof life right now...i would.
cos at the moment...
with no going out tml...
no seeing him in a looong time...
and hardly any time with him...
my mom AND NOW MY FUCKING DAD WHOS NAGGING ME TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER out to just wack the shit out of me the whole day...
really. i dont feel like living this out anymore.
cos at the moment...yeah. theres nothing to look forward to anymore.
18:54
26.12.03
mood .:+:. [tired]
listening to .:+:. [addicted--enrique iglesias]
eating .:+:. [my dinner]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [nite]
weather .:+:. [ok larh.]
+:.I am wasted away,
I made a million mistakes.
Am I too late?
There is a storm in my head;
it rains on my bed
when you are not here.
I'm not afraid of dying,
but I am afraid of losing you.
Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is a you're the only reason I'm trying.
When you're lying next to me
love is going through to me.
Oh it's beautiful.
Everything is clear to me
'till I hit reality
and I lose it all.:+
yayyy nicks finally back. wahaha happiness.
okay wadeva.
lol, had a pretty good--okay, uber great christmas this year.
the day started out pretty screwed up la...but then after that went to nicks house n stuf...
n OMFG he stayed over at my house.
like, OMFG.
yeh thats all i can think of to say.
jees...pretty unbelievable to think that he stayed the night at my house.
i mean he is my BOYFRIEND.
like HELLO boyfriends arent allowed according to my mom.
but well *grins* at least he cld stay over hehehe.
then went ice skating today...now im zonked n he's zonked n he's sleeping.
im gonna call him after tis to wake him up. or at least try.
-_-
...later he scold me sia. *scared*
im so sleeeeeepeeee~
LOL.
gotta meet him tml to pass him the tix.
so gotta call him to tell him wad tym to meet n all.
yup.
okay i shall stop blabbing aimlessly n go do sth.
like call him.
meanwhile check out this poem its pretty cool~
+:.if youre dying to know how i manage
to screw up every time
im sick of repeating the story
so heres the reason why
daddy was a bastard
momma was a bitch
he was your average loser
she was fuckin' rich
the poor dude was really desperate
so he had no choice
but to hitch up with a girl so big
shops didnt stock her size
if you cross a bitch and bastrd
you'll get someone like me
so i cant help it if im hated
goddamnit its my genes
my mom swallowed a boombox when she was 4
so dont say i talk too loud
she thinks she's a queen, so im a princess
dont blame me for being proud
papa drank beer like water
as a teen he smoked like hell
so if i twist the rules a little
uess it aint my fault as well
with all that blubber to drag around
mom never made it there on time
so if im late, whoevers problem it is
im damn sure it aint mine
papa cussed and swore so goddamn much
the bloody devil himself had to leave
so if youre lookin' at someone for bad language
you better not be lookin' at me
momma admitted she was pretty loose
so dont get me for being a flirt
it could be worse--like, i found out
how she fucked around with those jerks
so if i make mistakes and piss ya off
or say a wrong word i dont mean
man, im sorry--but it aint my fault...
blame my folks, its in my genes~!.:+
[LOL.]
20:58
19.12.03
a
mood .:+:. [hyper]
listening to .:+:. [chop suey--system of a down]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [raining]
[survival count] :// its day
EIGHT. two more days...god the suspense is killing me. okay where the heck is that AK-47 when you need it?
+:.trust in
my self-rightous suicide
i cry when angels
deserve to die
in my self-rightous suicide
why cry when angels
deserve to die.:+
im bored.
and hyper.
seriously.
want proof?
--we were talking about my bf. sorry dears, me n my classmate were reeeeally bored.--
[jo] : lol~ congrate him fer mi.. hes got gd taste yeah?
[kris] : duhs. hes my bf.
[kris] : of cos he has good taste
[kris] : wad a stupid question.
[jo] : *coughss*
[jo] : if he had dat much gd taste. he wldnt haf picked y a in da first place
[kris] : arrrr screw u.
[kris] : no wait i wanna save tat for him. LOL.
[jo] : hahahas dat sounds awefuli familiar
[kris] : aw shaddap.
--y'know, the way she deviates from the topic in her endeavour to suan me is pretty interesting.--
[jo] : tsk. jux admit it, u *arent* a virgin animore
[kris] : I AM
[jo] : hahas aiya.. jux quite unblievable yeah?
[kris] : --this part is censored. sorry. but i reali dont wanna corrupt little kids.*grins* --
[kris] : i AM a goddamn VIRGIN.
[kris] : RAWR.
[jo] : -nods- yehyeh...bet alota pple agree wif mi.
[kris] : noooooooo.
[kris] : aiya i go clinic get doctors report can.
[kris] : let u read the part that says my tat one still intact.
[jo] : dat 1 ? huh? *looks innocent*
[jo] : duh- cos u seduced the doctor as well
[jo] : hahahahahahahahas
[kris] : seduced the DOCTOR~??
[kris] : what the FUCK??
[kris] : ...
[kris] : kay. i go find a FEMALE doctor can
[jo] : *COUGHSS*
[kris] : and PLEASE dont tell me im LESBIAN
[jo] : plmgss. PL. *COUGHSS*
[kris] : jees. u just HAD to do it right.
[jo] : hahas sorry, cant help it. *grin*
[kris] : aiya u OSO FROM PL WAD
[jo] : FROM PRIMARY SKOOL UNTIL NOW SOMEMORE.
[jo] : tsk u not frm pl primary mah?
[jo] : *coughss* sec 2 butch.
[kris] : ...
[kris] : EH who the hell is the butch here huh?
[kris] HAH???
[jo] : you?
[kris] : yeeeeah right.
[kris] : u got shorter hair than me okayyyyy
[jo] : wait till ive got long hair 2
[kris] hah i no need to wait. *grin*
[jo] : *humph* fine.
--and after ages of pointless arguing about whos hair is longer we finally realise...--
[kris] : erm...so what exactly is the point in this conversation?
[jo] : err.. hahas i haf no idea. do our conversations always make sense aniwaes?
[kris] : erm. no.
[jo] lol~ ure rite, they dun. but sooo..
[kris] : i dont wanna waste my time in pointless conversations.
[kris] : and pointless endeavours.
[kris] : and pointless ppl
--seems like we cant get through ANYTHING without fighting. jees.--
[jo] : hay !! *coughss*
[kris] : yesh darling?
[jo] : wad pointless pple
[kris] : well erm....
[kris] : theres.... -looks around-
[kris] : you and....
[kris] : you and....erm...
[kris] : you and......er....ah....um....
[jo] : hmm.. AND
[kris] : you?
[jo] : and da bitch im tokin 2
[kris] : -looks around again- where?
[kris] : -blinkblink- where where where???
[jo] : walk to the mirror and u will knoe hu im tokin bout
--okay, this is my lame attempt at being lame. and trying to save my face. no one calls me a bitch except me, okayyy?--
[kris] : u mean the mirror's a bitch??
[kris] : how can the mirror be a bitch?
[kris] : it isnt even alive.
[kris] : unless its a dead bitch *grin*
[jo] : ...
[jo] : look into da mirror.
[kris] : oOo...u mean the gLaSs~??
[kris] : the glass is a bitch?
[kris] : oOo~
[jo] : *sigh* yups.
[kris] : oOo...wow~ din know tat.
-yeah. so moral of the story, dont ever EVER talk 2 jody online, esp when im hyper, bored, and seriously missing my bf.--
eniwae down to the normal stuff...
went to orchard today go walk-walk.
the minit i stepped into the house the fone rang n it was eugene calling me go down to ernies house for the advert recording.
talk about bad timing.
bleahs.
and somemore
im sick wif flu okayyyy~
yeahs, kay, wadeva.
then after that went to heartland to pierce another hole in my ear.
so now i got five--three on the left n two on the right.
planning to try n cram another 5 on my right so it can make 73~
wheeehee...
ok yarh.
kept yappin wabout my bf to a few various ppl...i tink lynn n amy n shuen.
yup.
haha. so now they know, but its okay.
as long as my mom doesnt. LOL.
crap...i reali miss him...but its oni 48 hours. *grins*
im gonna try to get off early during gala rehearsal so i can make it back in tym 4 his call.
yup. tats about it.
damn my ear hurts.
20:19
18.12.03
mood .:+:. [tired. n sick.]
listening to .:+:. [anthem part two--blink 182]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [cool]
[survival count] :// its day SEVEN. just a little while more...damn. you. with the AK-47. shoot me please--hey waitasecond...yeah my bf jus emailed me. okay hold that bullet till tomorrow.
+:.Everything has fallen to pieces,
Earth is dying help me Jesus
We need guidance, we've been misled,
young and hostile, but not stupid.
Corporate leaders, politicians,
kids can't vote, adults elect them
Laws that rule the school and workplace,
signs that caution, sixteen's unsafe.
We really need to see this through,
we never wanted to be abused
We'll never give up, it's no use,
if we're fucked up you're to blame
Let this train wreck burn more slowly,
kids are victims in this story
Drown our youth with usless warnings,
teenage rules they're fucked and boring
We really need to see this through,
we never wanted to be abused
We'll never give up, it's no use,
if we're fucked up you're to blame.:+
[god i LOVE this song. hahas.]
spent about 1 hour online trying to find some damned guitar chords.
all i can come up with is bloody tabs.
WHY IS EVERYONE USING TABS NOWADAYS??
argh.
i HATE tabs.
cos i dont know how to read them haha.
dammit...
doesnt ANYONE upload chords anymore?
im SICK of playing the same bloody 10 songs over n over again...
cos theyre the only ones that are in chords.
not TABLATURE.
bleeeeagh.
eniwae i just got a message on fwenster from my bf.
yayyyyyy.
finally hahaha.
hApPiNeSs~
i tink i read it over like...dont know, 30 tyms?
lol.
yeah im crazy, i know.
dont tell me.
cos i dont wanna admit that i AM crazy over him.
dont like the thought that i cant get on without someone.
*shrug*
lol, i cant deny the truth but...
i'll ignore it as long as possible.
and act like im the one in control when im actualy damn scared of losing him.
but i am NOT gonna tell him that.
yep im gonna continue giving that bo chap attitude. it works 4 me anyway.
lol.
gotta go now...
sleepy le.
gdnites then.
23:10
mood .:+:. [sian]
listening to .:+:. [first date--blink 182]
eating .:+:. [strepsils]
drinking .:+:. [water]
time .:+:. [afternoon]
weather .:+:. [rainy]
[survival count] :// its day
SEVEN. just a little while more...damn. hey you with the AK-47. shoot me please.
+:.When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that i'm probably gonna miss
Let's go,don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever.:+
its just started raining once i walked out of the clinic.
fallen sick again.
looks like everyones getting the flu.
maybe it SARS.
argh.
lol.
hope i get better by next saturday or gala talentime is wrecked.
wanted to go for the "gig" by aarons band at tpbc...
but its held at exactly the same time as my gala.
sorry dude, some other time maybe?
but i guess it'll be like, totally so damn cool to see him play.
he so totally ROCKS on the guitar.
hm..
maybe i could ask him to teach me bass or something.
im dying to learn.
so far the only crummy tune i can play is the bass for seven nation army and that is so CHICKEN.
yeps.
jees my throat is killing me.
and i still miss nick like crap.
damn...
missing someone really sucks.
i HATE missing ppl.
bleahs.
but then again i cant do without missing him either.
i'd do anything for a phone call from him or sth.
man.
boyfriends.
cant live with or without them.
anyway after yesterday my mom wrote me a letter and told me she'd leave me alone to live my own life from now on...
just that i have to be considerate about my other family members...
AND OBSERVE THE FAMILY RULES.
which still means, no dating until im 17-18.
BLEAH.
i thought you said i could live my own life???
jees...forget it.
i'll just get by with being able to go out more.
okay, so she didnt say that, but i'll push it.
maybe.
gotta play safe y'know?
anyway she gave me 14 bucks for no reason at all.
maybe i shoukd pull these ihateyous ff more often.
hee.
just kidding.
medicines kicking in.
better go rest now.
got tuition tonight.
15:54
17.12.03
mood .:+:. [really pissed off.]
listening to .:+:. [someday--nickelback]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [afternoon]
weather .:+:. [okay.]
[survival count] :// its day SIX. help somebody the waiting's killing me.
+:.how the hell we wind up like this...why werent we able
to see the signs that we missed...and try to turn the tables
i wish youd unclench your fists...and unpack your suitcase
lately theres too much of this...but i dont think its too late
nothings wrong
just as long as you know that
someday i will...
someday
somehow
im gonna make it alright but not right now
i know youre wondering when
youre the only one who knows that
someday i will
someday somehow
im gonna make it alright but not right now
i know youre wondering when.:+
okay...yeah, i just had a major blow up with my mom.
like, MAJOR major kinda blow up.
alot of screaming n yelling n getting slapped.
i would so like to curse now but...
i dont think it'll help and anyway im too lazy too open my mouth.
so i'll just think it.
and i finally told her what i always always wanted to say.
i told her i hate her.
its true, i really do.
i know its kinda bad and all but...
theres no denying the truth right?
i mean i cant lie to myself that everything between her n me is okay.
its not.
cos yeah, i hate her.
really hAtE her.
i dunno what she thinks about me yelling at her those three words.
but i dont really care either.
i dont know what kinda crap im gonna get from her after this.
but then again..
at the moment i cant care less.
unless its getting grounded.
but what the heck, she always asked me to tell her the truth.
i did it this time, didnt i?
man.
wish i didnt have to call her that.
life would be so much easier if she wasnt around.
and no im not gonna take that statement back.
i MEAN it. no regrets.
i wish she wasnt here at all.
im just so fucking mad i can....
er...
kill her.
or anyone else for that matter.
okay, so maybe i'd regret the killing part.
but heck its just a figure of speech so its no biggie.
argh im just so freakin pissed i dunno wad to do wif myself.
and missing him is not getting any better.
I STILL MISS HIM LIKE CRAP AND IT SUCKS.
yeah. it sucks.
im tired.
all the crying n yelling...
n stressing out over the gala talentym competition is getting to me.
went out to buy tees for the gala tingy today.
ARGH.
cant stand sindy n sandy sometyms.
lucky they dunno this URL.
eniwae since all the shoppings done...
im gonna sleep now.
bye.
15:03
16.12.03
mood .:+:. [tired.]
listening to .:+:. [my last serenade--killswitch engaged]
eating .:+:. [dark chocs]
drinking .:+:. [pepsi X]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [cold. its raining.]
[survival count] ://its day
FIVE. its hard but i guess i'll live.
+:.from sorrow to serenity, the truth is absolution
from sorrow to serenity, it's on your head
this is my last serenade
I feel you as you fall away
this is my last serenade
from yourself you can't run away.:+
finally had the time to go biking today.
with jo.
got caught in the rain.
now im getting a cold.
bleahs.
eniwaes..
im not going biking wif her again.
next tym its just basketball.
i bike too fast for her n she bikes too slow for me.
incompatible.
hahaha.
guess the day when she manages to catch up is when fish drown in water.
u know maybe its possible wif her.
cos according to sharm she "gently strokes her goldfish heads and pUsHeS them back into the water" when they come up for air.
lol.
and while im waiting for her fish to drown i'll continue making my plans to be a multibillion dollar popstar.
and one day everyone will be flocking to my concerts...
singing my songs...
screaming my name...
yeah thats the day when birds commit suicide by jumping off hdb flats.
[i know im a copycat. haha, sorry nicky dears.]
wht the hell is wrog wif my eybord the eys ot workig properly...
see.
have to press so damn hard on the k a and n keys.
freak.
im bored.
oh shit i kena cramps.
oWwWw~
im tired but...
i dun wanna sleep.
yet.
im still missing nick like crap.
not as much as day one but...
jees.
i still miss him loads.
wish he was here.
wish he cld join the same tuition class as me.
then he cld pei me slack away those two hours.
tuition sucks.
no...
wish i cld stay in the same house as him 24/7 for the rest of my life.
... ...
oh yeah. gotta wait til im at least 21.
cRaP.
candice just told me she learnt how to ride a bike in thailand.
no age limit.
even 9 year olds can ride it.
ON THE STREETS.
ok tats it.
im going to thailand.
LOL.
yeah im sick of entertaining myself by crapping online.
im going to sleep n dream of my bf.
gdnites then~
22:00
15.12.03
mood .:+:. [er..normal? a little high. must be the alcohol.]
listening to .:+:. [here without you--3 doors down]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [water]
time .:+:. [afternoon]
weather .:+:. [hot]a
[survival count] ://its day
FOUR. i'm trying to look on the bright side.
+:.and all the miles that seperate
disappear when im dreaming of your face
im here without you baby
but youre still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
im here without you baby
but youre still with me in my dreams
and tonight its only you and me
everything i know, and anywhere i go
it gets hard but it wont take away my love
and when the last one falls, when its all said and done
it gets hard but it wont take away my love.:+
yay.
6 more days left...
then i can work overtime on the phone.
LOL.
me n ivan korkor both counting down the days.
his special someone coming back on the 21st.
mine too.
hahas.
so we can take turns encouraging each other.
...actualy more like he encouraging me.
cos im always complaining.
haha.
nvm i look on the bright side.
its less than a week left. YAY.
hahaha.
sorry im a bit high.
must be the alcohol...
i drank my dads stuff in the fridge.
mustve overdone it hahaha.
cldnt get to sleep last night til about 4...
so i entertained myself by playing solitaire with the lights out.
ahaha.
still could see the cards wif the street lights on...
so it wasnt so bad. lol.
had dance prac today.
sindy n sandy are getting on my nerves.
okay, so i shouldnt be mad at them cos they CANT DANCE but the freakin competition is ONE WEEK AWAY.
ARGH.
yeah...i still miss nick but...
its getting better.
i hope.
either bcos of the alcohol...
or maybe just tat i realised that even though i cant talk to him life still goes on, and anyway its not as if we broke up or something.
its not forever so why go around like im never gonna see him again.
LOL.
but yeah, whatever it is i cant help missing him.
hell, its only natural.
17:06
14.12.03
mood .:+:. [same as yesterday.]
listening to .:+:. [stuck in my heart--C21]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [cold.]
[survival count] ://its day
THREE. yeah. talk about slow, painful death.
+:.If you hold me close enough, I can whisper you the words
If the distance is too far...I can't do nothing
cos...
You are stuck in my heart and we can go anywhere
whatever the reason
you are so stuck in my heart like counting a million stars
for that many reasons you area
You are like a dream so deep inside of me
You are the reason that I never sleep
You are stuck in my heart
Can't you tell
you've been all over me like a spell
(I will never let you go, I will never let you go no, no)
Can't you see
you've been changing the world around me
(I don't wanna let you go, no I'll never let you go no, no).:+
seems like ive been listening to songs that somehow reflect my mood at the moment.
so qiao.
lol.
but its a really nice song.
but the videos pretty boring.
saw it on mtv when my parents were out of the house.
we finally got cable, but they dont allow me to watch mtv.
jees.
i mean, WHAT is cable without MTV??~?
eniwae.
yeah, still miss him as much.
maybe more.
this is crap man.
i mean, not meeting but just over the phone, i can take.
email only, i can survive.
but no contact at all for 10 days??
im DYING.
god this sucks.
hope he's having a good tym over there.
seriously i wish he isnt missing me as much as i miss him.
cos if he did he wouldnt be having much fun i guess.
i really cant get on that easily when im missing him like crap liddat.
hais.
i had absolutely nothing to do today, besides go to church.
then megs gave me this crazy webbie.
its quite farnie la...
but im in no mood to laff.
if u wanna see one of the lamest mistakes in english, u shld
click here.
this webbie beats BOW any day. [sorry zammykins.]
if u wanna see my personal fave, [which u just GOT TO see]...
click here.
yup thats about it for today.
im going to get back to missing my bf now.
lol.
log off le.
21:11
13.12.03
mood .:+:. [tired. oso kinda sad.]
listening to .:+:. [everytime--britney spears]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [evening]
weather .:+:. [cool]
[survival count] ://its day
TWO. no, its not any better.
+:.everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings i feel so small
i guess i need you baby
everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face its haunting me
i guess i need you baby
after all.:+
crap.
it really isnt getting better.
i still miss him like crap.
couldnt concentrate properly today during the gala rehearsal.
or the cd prac.
bleahs.
i tink alekx got sick of listening to me yappin n yappin about him for like, the whole damn day. hahas.
dunno la...somehow when i talk to him its like, he seems closer to me...
even though he's pretty far away.
lol.
found out a certain someone backstabbed me today.
someone i reali trusted.
sorta.
tat fwen twisted tings around when her parents questioned her...so now it looks like it was ALL MY FAULT.
jees.
why do i ALWAYS end up on the losing end?
like, scapegoat?
is it my problem or do i just trust too much and give too much..?
maybe thats the reason why i always get hurt in fwenships n relationships.
maybe tats y im so scared of losing fwens n my boyfwen.
n i might lose my fwen too..
if i tell what really happened to my mom.
but if i dont...
i'll have to take the crap that my fwen was supposed to take.
but i dont want her to get it from her parents...
cos i know she'll get it worse than me.
BUT I DONT WANNA GET IT EITHER....
aRgH.
i dont know what to do.
crap crap crap.
and missing nick is making it worse.
all in all this has been a terribly shittified day.
so im going to sleep early.
yeah i love to sleep.
cos my life has a tendency to fall part when im awake, y'know?
19:02
12.12.03
mood .:+:. [kinda sadded.]
listening to .:+:. [i love rock n roll--britney spears]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [rainy]
[survival count] :// its day
ONE. and its torture.
okay, so i got through one whole day without contacting nick at all.
isnt tat great.
...yay.
...iM gOnNa DiEeEeEe~
and ive got nine more days left.
jees, if its only ONE freakin DAY and i already miss him so much...
i dont even wanna tHiNk about the next nine days.
damn...
hope he's havin fun over there...
wonder what he's doing now.
i didnt manage to sleep til about 5am last night.
i mean this morning.
went to bed at 11...means i stayed awake for about...6 hours.
0.o
wow.
had to entertain myself this morning...
was so damn bored...
had to keep taking my mind off nick cos the more i missed him the worse it got.
so i played solitaire wif myself the whole damn morning and read soppy romance novels.
i mustve played my entire CD collection over 20 tyms by now.
and you know what??
it isnt helping.
i still miss him just as much and its practically torture.
if singapore ever gets captured by the japs again and i get caught...
all they hafta do is to lock me up in a room wif no nick and i SWEAR i'll spill everything.
unless that something involves nick la.
lol.
wonder if he misses me as much as i do...
haha probably not...he's most prob out there havin fun...
which is good actually haha.
for him.
yeah, i know im not doing a good job of convincing myself.
i want nick and i want him NOW.
waaaaa.
*bawls*
-.-
okay, i gotta act matured.
anyway what doesnt kill ya makes ya stronger right??
right?
RIGHT??
argh.
this sucks.
but i'll hold on...im cool im cool.
i can wait.
its only nine more days.
just nine more days.
nine.
216 hours.
12960 minutes.
777600 seconds.
...that didnt help.
forget it.
im giving up.
i am gonna think of nick as MUCH as i WANT and no one can stop me.
not even myself.
muahaha.
yes i am gong to admit that i am so0o damn hopelessly in love with him that i cant take my mind off him for even one freakin second and i wont stop myself missing him and i will miss him so much that by the time he comes back i will be a total emotional wreck and if anything happens to him i will go so over the edge and toss myself off the hdb flat.
yup.
that felt much better.
:)
got this survey from fwenster.
did it cos im so freakin bored im gonna bore my dick off.
oh wait i dont have one.
1.Have you ever been in love?
im in love now. [see above. no, the ABOVE above. its obvious.]
2.How do you know it's love?
[see above journal entry again.] i cant survive a day without him and i'd do anything for him and give everything for him. if its not love it must be insanity. im NOT INSANE.
3.What makes you fall in love?
when i find a guy who can capture my heart.
4.What if your girlfriend/boyfriend is a bad
kisser?
i dont care. even if he's a bad kisser i'd think he's a good one. *grins*
5.What turns you on (at 1st sight)?:
his smile. and currently, in this case, especially the way that he IS a total bastard, keeps admitting he's a total bastard and then denying that he never said anything about being a bastard. lol. its funny.
6.Are you the jealous type?:
haha...kinda. *hEe*
7. Body or brains?:
i dont know. i'll take whichever my boyfwens got. lol.
8.Do looks matter?:
they play a part but...in the end what counts is the heart cos in the end its all thats left that matters.
9.What turns you off?:
players, flirts, ego size bigger than mount everest, someone who cant laugh at himself.
10.The perfect date?:
anythings perfect as long as the guy i love is there.
11.What do you have that will make a person fall
for u?:
*grins* hm...well where d'ya want me to start?
12.Do you still believe in courtship?:
dUh. without it, things wld be so...uNrOmAnTiC.
13.Flowers or chocolates?:
bOtH. *hEe*
14.Kiss on the first date?:
nah. not realy.
15.Sex on the first date?:
...not until i get married. hah. so there.
16.What would you do if you find out that your
girlfriend/ boyfriend is cheating on you?:
be really shattered, cry and cry and cry, find out the reason why, confront him, break up...
then cry some more.
17.Have you ever cheated on someone?:
nope.
18.Fling or long term relationship?:
Long-term relationship. flings are...total shit man.
19.What do you think of holding hands in
public?:
its the 21st century dude. DUH its okay.
20.What do you think of kissing in public?:
...i dont know la...i guess a quick peck is okay.
21.What if your girlfriend/boyfriend is a
smoker?:
its cool with me. i cant say a damn thing cos...
it'd be hypocritical. *grin*
22.Ever fell in love with a friend of the same
sex?:
im from PL. PL man. its eXpEcTeD. lol.
23. What would a girl/guy have to do to win your
heart?:
to be sincere about loving me...and to be serious about wanting a sEriOuS relationship.
24. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
yep.
25. What is your expectations for your
boyfriend/girlfriend?:
most important is he has to have the patience to wait for me...honest...faithful..and really loves and accepts me for who i am.
22:26
10.12.03
Which Guilty Gear X character are you?
 | Cheer Bear
You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together. |
|
16:25
7.12.03
mood .:+:. [tired n hungry]
listening to .:+:. [out of my way--seether]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [afternoon]
weather .:+:. [damn hot]
[I cant pass up this opportunity to make myself absurd,
I cant pass up this opportunity to make myself be heard.
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me lose this all,
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me fall.
nobodys gonna stand in my way...
give it up son im doing this my way
nobodys gonna stand in my way...
give it up son im doing this my way
You like to think the worst is over now, but you cant breathe at all
You like to think youre owed a favor now, man youve seen it all
Did you, want to, be the one who pushed me off the wall,
Did you, want to, be the one who let me fall.
nobodys gonna stand in my way...
give it up son im doing this my way
nobodys gonna stand in my way...
give it up son im doing this my way]
im tired.
im sleepy.
im totally shagged.
just came back from camp today..
crappy 24 hour marathon.
im dYiNg.
aftereffects of the rockclimbing n night cycling.
i cant keep my eyes open.
-_- ...
nonono.
i gotta stay awake.
still have to type email to my bf..
*yawnsss*
stayed up til about 5am liddat yesterday..
woke at abt 8-9 liddat i tink.
kaos.
so tired.
im hunGrEeEeEe~
din eat lunch yet.
wish i cld talk to nick now over the fone but...
he's out with his mom.
nvm he's calling me tonite. :D
lols.
this new song tat SD intro to me damn nice lei...
totally rocks...
seven nation army oso not bad hahas...
wah sleepy sia.
oh ive got a new bed.
parents shifted the double decker..dont know where it went.
but...the new ones are nice.
arghs...
sleepiness.
kkie...tink i better go write the email to nick...
then i'll go test out my nice new bed.
wahahas.
blog in later maybe.
byes.
14:16
3.12.03
mood .:+:. [happy (jees. finally.)]
listening to .:+:. [thank you for loving me--bon jovi]
eating .:+:. [nth]
drinking .:+:. [nth]
time .:+:. [night]
weather .:+:. [hot]
haha...nick LiKeS mE~!!
yayyy.
haha.
went out wif him today.
took him so damn long to just say he likes me.
lol, but if i was him...
yeah, i dont tink i'd have said it at all.
but its not so bad...
cause i like him too.
haha yupo.
eniwae...finally, finally, after so0o0o damn long..
i get to touch a fag.
finally.
jees...
3 months lei...
can die sia.
came back about an hour late today..
mom yelled like shit liddat.
oh fUcK shes yelling again.
wish she'd just yell her head off.
bleah.
well, gotta go write a testimonial 4 nick now LOL.
log off le.
bbye.
22:04
