30.9.04
+:.[[rewindand.refresh]].:+
haha.
new skin finally done.
lol.
thought i'd never get it done with but...
muahaha.
i did it.
-grin-
21:33
29.9.04
+:.[researching myself].:+
didnt really sleep till a few a.m. last night.
was up surfing a website.
they had this:
"Self-mutilation, high risk for
A diagnosis . . . defined as a state in which an individual is at high risk to injure but not kill himself or herself, and that produces tissue damage and tension relief. Risk factors include being a member of an at-risk group, inability to cope with increased psychological/physiological tension in a healthy manner, feelings of depression, rejection, self-hatred, separation anxiety, guilt, and depersonalization, command hallucinations, need for sensory stimuli, parental emotional deprivation, and a dysfunctional family. Groups at risk include clients with borderlines personality disorder (especially females 16 to 25 years of age), clients in a psychotic state (frequently males in young adulthood). . . self-mutilation is distinct from suicide. Major reviews have upheld this distinction. . . A basic understanding is that a person who truly attempts suicide seeks to end all feelings whereas a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better."
they had this list of things that make people self-mutilate.
The overall picture seems to be of people who:
--strongly dislike/invalidate themselves
--are hypersensitive to rejection
--are chronically angry, usually at themselves
--tend to suppress their anger
--have high levels of aggressive feelings, which they disapprove of strongly and often suppress or direct inward
--are more impulsive and more lacking in impulse control
--tend to act in accordance with their mood of the moment
tend not to plan for the future
--are depressed and suicidal/self-destructive
suffer chronic anxiety
tend toward irritability
do not see themselves as skilled at coping
--do not have a flexible repertoire of coping skills
--do not think they have much control over how/whether they cope with life
--tend to be avoidant
do not see themselves as empowered
--Escape from emptiness, depression, and feelings of unreality.
--Easing tension.
--Providing relief: when intense feelings build, self-injurers are overwhelmed and unable to cope. By causing pain, they reduce the level of emotional and physiological arousal to a bearable one.
--Relieving anger: many self-injurers have enormous amounts of rage within. Afraid to express it outwardly, they injure themselves as a way of venting these feelings.
--Escaping numbness: many of those who self-injure say they do it in order to feel something, to know that they're still alive.
--Grounding in reality, as a way of dealing with feelings of depersonalization and dissociation
--Maintaining a sense of security or feeling of uniqueness
--Obtaining a feeling of euphoria
--Preventing suicide
--Expressing emotional pain they feel they cannot bear
--Obtaining or maintaining influence over the behavior of others
--Communicating to others the extent of their inner turmoil
--Communicating a need for support
--Expressing or repressing sexuality
--Expressing or coping with feelings of alienation
--Validating their emotional pain -- the wounds can serve as evidence that those feelings are real
--Continuing abusive patterns: self-injurers tend to have been abused as children.
--Punishing oneself for being "bad"
--Obtaining biochemical relief: there is some thought that adults who were repeatedly traumatized as children have a hard time returning to a "normal" baseline level of arousal and are, in some sense, addicted to crisis behavior. Self-harm can perpetuate this kind of crisis state
--Diverting attention (inner or outer) from issues that are too painful to examine
--Exerting a sense of control over one's body
--Preventing something worse from happening
then they talked about things that people say that induce SI. i wont name the people said those to me though. but its one from a friend. and most from my family.
This invalidation can take many forms:
"You're angry but you just won't admit it."
"You say no but you mean yes, i know."
"You really did do (something you in truth hadn't). Stop lying."
"You're being hypersensitive."
"You're just lazy."
"I won't let you manipulate me like that."
"Cheer up. Snap out of it. You can get over this."
"If you'd just look on the bright side and stop being a pessimist..."
"You're just not trying hard enough."
"I'll give you something to cry about!"
thats the whole thing.
and all those that are in bold all relate to me.
i took me one whole night to admit it.
no sleep at all except for an hour.
yeah, i am a SI-er. and im almost addicted to it. sometimes its like the SI is locked away--its hardly a part of me...until something bad happens and it becomes me. as if it belongs there.
okay, so i admitted it.
whats next?
Drowning in the dark blood of would-be brothers who,
beyond the pressing of fingers, those for whom
the slice is only the beginning, and a different kind
of light comes in, begs recognition and peace of mind.
-- Judybats
18:48
28.9.04
+:.[silent self-destruction].:+
im gonna try that overdose one more time.
and this time im gonna try and make sure it actually WORKS.
if it doesnt, however--lol, they say if at first you dont succeed, try again.
[[i thought you said you'd be there when i needed you.
i need you now but...
you aren't here.
dont make me promises you can't keep.
you just seem so far away sometimes.
and i dont know if you still care.]]
17:46
27.9.04
+:.[scrapped and self-destruct].:+
i feel totally scrapped.
the cold isnt getting any better and now im down with a cough.
sooo not looking forward to tomorrow--mass revision in the hall.
though i guess i should be happy that i managed to skip skool today.
not that im enjoying it though.
whatever i caught is killing me.
not to mention this weird depression thingy im having.
its not getting any better either.
bleah.
must be an overload of progesterone and my parents on my back almost everyday and the O levels coming up and me being such a total IDIOT and flunking out of my prelims.
and the cuts on my hand freakin HURT and i hope to God theyre not infected or something.
something really weird is going on with me; ive been so self-destructive lately.
its not that im looking for some attention or anything, but im not ashamed of the fact that ive been taking all of it out on myself--its the truth.
and anyway this IS my journal.i just hope no one finds out one whole tab of Panadol is missing from the cupboard overnight. [not tab as in TABLET, tab as in the big metallic-plastic wrapper piece thingy that they keep about 10 of the tablets in.]
its just too bad the overdose didn't work the way it was supposed to, but the painkillers did. could hardly feel anything when my mum whacked me outta bed this afternoon at about 2pm, lol.
but i bought more Panadol today.
so i can replace that packet.
and try that overdose again.
im getting so into this SI and SM thing that its actually freaking me out, on one hand.
but on the other hand...
i dont know, is it called bondage when you cant stop doing something though you know it aint good?
like, er--oh yeah, its called addiction.
i dont want help.
but i know i need it.
and i'll ask someone for help i guess, one day--just not right now.
because now im caught in the middle, it feels like im split into three.
theres one part thats screaming for someone to save me from this.
the second part's the one that wants to carry on the SI.
and the third part is caught in the middle, what im doing--mute acquiescence.
where where you when i needed you?
and where are you now, now that i need you the most--?
15:52
21.9.04
+:[[final stretch]]:+
>>>INCOMING TRANSMISSION<<<
*
>>>HURRICANE PRELIMS, September 21, 2004
casualty count: 158
injured: estimated at 107
deaths: 13 as of 1235h, death toll rising
time: 0800h-1200h
>>>hurricane has since dissipated, but a recurrence on september 22 at 0800h is feared
>>>weather reports confirm that hurricane PRELIMS will end its rampage by end of this week
>>>damage repairs to commence as of september 23 2004
>>>medical assistance required on site ASAP
>>>for further news on hurricane PRELIMS, residents are advised to view this web for updates.
*
>>>END TRANSMISSION<<<
[[angelflame.mode``]]
[[hit that spot right there`]]
[[prison number 24410159`]]
[["this is your final stretch, soldier--and keep in mind that this is only a rehearsal."`]]
NOTE:
AS OF 25TH SEPTEMBER, THE URL FOR THIS BLOG WILL BE PERMANENTLY CHANGED TO www.angelflameschronicles.blogspot.com . in case i decide to change anything, watch this space for updates. [unless you are a big blockhead, DONT take that literally.]
18:19
17.9.04
+:.[hurricane prelims.].:+
>>>INCOMING TRANSMISSION<<<
*
>>>HURRICANE PRELIMS, September 17, 2004
casualty count: yet undefined, estimated at 400
injured: estimated at 350
deaths: estimated at 39
time: 0800h-0915h
>>>hurricane has dissipated.
>>>widespread damage.
>>>medical assistance required on site immediately.
>>>other consequences of disaster yet unknown.
*
>>>END TRANSMISSION<<<
i never knew there was a "Hurricane Kristy" until today.
lol.
IM NOT KIDDING.
here's proof.
"August 31 - September 4, 1994 HURRICANE KRISTY
Kristy was initially recognized as a disturbance near 13N 117W on August 27th. The disturbance developed into Tropical Storm KRISTY two and a half days later near 16N 133W on August 29. KRISTY continued to strengthen and moved west along 16N reaching hurricane intensity near 16N and 141W on August 31 at 1200 UTC. KRISTY reached maximum intensity of 90 knots on September 1 at 0000Z near 16N 145W. KRISTY weakened to a tropical storm late that day as increasing westerly winds aloft began to shear the top of the storm. The increasing westerly shear ahead of the approaching trough continue to weaken KRISTY and turned the storm on a more west southwest track. KRISTY had weakened to a tropical depression by September 3 near 15N 150 W. KRISTY eventually dissipated near 15N 164W on September 4th. The area where KRISTY intensified was in the same general area where EMILIA, GILMA, and JOHN reached their maximum intensities with winds speeds in excess of 135 knots or Category 5 on the Saffir-Simpson scale. The primary difference between KRISTY and the other three storms was her encounter with an upper trough to the east of 150W.
http://members.aol.com/Rosendalhe/1994-pre.htm
http://www.usatoday.com/weather/huricane/2000/epacific/wkristyh.htm"
aha. see.
lol, whatever.
i wonder how they pick the names for hurricanes anyway.
weird.
well anyway, i guess my prelims are totally trashed. like, TOTALLY trashed.
especially after chem today.
silent killer x.X
hm...feel like going kayaking sometime soon.
any takers?
=p
14:40
16.9.04
lol you guys were just waaaiting for part two werent y'all.
[well, if you weren't, hey, WHATEVERRR dude.]
anyway here's part one in case you didn't catch it.
part twos below.
+:.[escape--part I].:+
Dear Mom and Dad, By the time you've read this letter, I've left the country. Please don't worry about me. I'll be okay, I promise. A friend's already agreed to take me in...I'll have a place to stay. It'll be easier on all of us if I leave. I'll have a new start in life. You won't have me around to yell at. I left early this morning. You guys were still sleeping when I walked out the door.
* * *
It was barely a few metres away, but the drawer seemed to be miles from the door. I could see the figure of my mom curled up on the bed, and the steady rise and fall of my father's chest. My heart was pounding so loud I was almost sure it'd wake them.
The cool night air blew in from the window, ruffling my hair as I crept across the rom, wishing my footfalls didn't sound so loud. I cracked open the drawer and my fingers flicked through all the bills and letters lying on top of the mess inside, the way they always did when I ran short of cash and had to pinch a ten from my dad's wallet. ...Until I got caught, in the middle of a night just like tonight, and my dad woke up to use the bathroom. My hands shook as I touched the small, red cover of my prize--my passport. I grabbed my dad's wallet from the dressing table and scooted out, closing the heavy wooden door behind me.
I couldn't get out fast enough.
*
Somewhere from inside his wallet, I slipped out a small silver card. I grabbed my suitcase and keys, tossing the wallet onto the table. I unlocked the gate, taking one last, long look at my house. So many memories; so many things had happened within those walls. Things that had changed me, made me what I was, made me stand where I was standing tonight. So much I wished I'd never known.
"Bye," I whispered, after carefully lifting my suitcase out the door. The gate rattled as I closed it behind me. The lock clicked shut. This goodbye meant goodbye forever.
* * *
Dad, I'm really sorry about taking the $9,000. And the other few thousand in my account. But I really need the cash. Just in case I don't find my friend that easily. I'll need it to get by. I'll pay you back when I get a job somewhere.
* * *
I slipped the coin into the slot and dialed. I counted ten rings before a groggy voice answered the phone.
"Hello..?"
"Stan...is that you?"
"Christy? What's up--this isn't your number. Where are you?"
"I'm under your block." "Under my WHAT?" A pause as he tried to comprehend. "What the HELL are you doing under my block at 3am?"
"I--It's hard to explain like this--could you come down?"
"Sure. One minute." He hung up.
*
Stan stared straight ahead, his brow creased into a frown. The look in his eyes was unreadable. I finished off and leaned back onto the wall. I didn't know what he was thinking but I knew he was thinking hard.
"You're really leaving?" He asked slowly, after what seemed like forever.
"Yes." I swallowed hard.
Silence.
"You told me about this before."
"Yeah...I did."
"And...I..." He faltered. "I promised to come with you, didnt I?"
"...Yeah."
Pause.
"Christy, I..." he trailed off, biting his lip. "You...you see, all the time you talked about it, I thought it was just talk. Just you and a crazy idea...I didn't think you'd really do it...so, I...Well..." His sneaker scraped the floor.
It was a crazy idea, I should have been sensible enough to see this coming. In fact, I should have been sensible enough to trash it and beat it back home. But it wasn't my way. I felt the pinch as I forced myself not to cry. If I went it'd mean leaving him behind. Him, the only one who mattered to me in the world. But I had to go.
It took all of me to look him in the eye and say, "You don't have to come with me if you don't want to." I managed a small smile. I couldn't be selfish--his entire life was here. He couldn't leave.
I felt him reach for my hand and hold it tight. "I'm sorry--I'm really sorry. I'd go if I could...but--"
"I know," I smiled, careful not to let the light catch the tears in my eyes. "Anyway it isn't forever," I lied. It'd be easier if he thought I'd come back.
He wouldn't feel so torn if he thought I'd be okay if I left alone.
"I'll send you off," he picked up my heavy suitcase with ease, and gave a sigh as if he had the world on his shoulders. "Let's get you to the airport. We better hurry."
* * *
+:.[escape--part II].:+
You know, I've always hated goodbyes. They aren't always pleasant, either. Especially when you know that goodbye's your last. And goodbyes mean something's over, done...you know, ended.
I never knew how to say goodbye properly--it feels funny.
Well, you guys take care...and forget about me. It's better this way.
That's all, I guess.
* * *
Stan and I were almost the only ones at the airport. The only other people there were a couple of backpackers and two or three business people.
The only warmth in the cold air was the feel of Stan's arm around me. The silence was almost suffocating, until I felt a gentle tug and Stan's voice asking, "Uh...are you really going to stay with your uncle?" I smiled at the thought that he still remembered all those long conversations, all the planning over the phone, talking about running off together--I felt a pang in my heart and reminded myself that there was only one suitcase with the two of us, one passport, one air ticket and only ONE person leaving.
"Yeah," I replied, my voice catching in my throat.
Stan opened his mouth to say something, paused, then closed it as his eye caught the tears glistening in mine, and opened his mouth again. He looked like a goldfish--those goldfish I had at home--and I forgot al the sadness for a moment and burst out laughing. His confused, good-natured grin have gave got me in stitches. I don't know--but there was something that hung about him that always made me laugh.
We were jerked back to reality as the announcement sounded over the air, "Boarding call for Qantas flight EQ056 to Brisbane...all passengers please..." The rest of the announcement faded into nothing as I turned and glanced at Stan, then reached for the handle of my suitcase.
"Well...I guess...I better board early, you know," I mumbled, looking across to the gates that stood a few feet away.
"Yeah..." His hand fell from my shoulder.
Both of us stood there, so much left to say, so much left unsaid, but so little time left to say it. Then the dam broke. I couldn't hold it back any longer. In place of words my emotions spilled over and I couldn't stop the tears. I flung myself into his arms and I didn't let go. "It's not the end...not yet. I won't ever forget you...I'll write every week, I promise..." I trailed off. Then the words flew out before I could stop them, "...I love you, Stan."
Then I realised, it was the first time we'd said that in months. I didn't dare to look up, in case he'd laugh away what I'd said, or...
"I love you too," he replied, smiling softly at me. He tightened his hold and I shut my eyes, and just for that moment, time seemed to stop. Just for the two of us.
When I finally found the strength to pull away, it felt like I'd left a part of myself behind.
* * *
I can take care of myself, so don't worry. Don't try to look for me either. I'll write back, once in awhile. It's not so bad. Sooner or later the pain will end and we can move on, each with our own lives. Just let me go...I can't stay here any longer.
Love, Christy.
* * *
The plane was almost filled, but even though I was surrounded by people, I felt lonelier than I had ever been in my life. I just wished I could beg him not to let me go...but I couldn't turn back. I toyed with the packet of nuts in my hands, staring blankly out the window. Closing my eyes I tried to etch into my mind forever every moment that Stan and I had shared, every scare but precious happy moment I had in my old life.
As the plane took of, reality hit me hard: I hadn't really wanted to leave.
>>INCOMING MESSAGE<<
From: Christy [firestorm@ex-mail.com]
To: Stanley [life-sucks@automail.com]
02.07.06//1:25:09pm.
Hey Stan,
I've missed you loads. My uncle still hasn't told on me--yet. life over here is heaven...it's just like those pictures that they show on TV. And the sunsets are gorgeous--I just don't have you to share them with.
School's pretty relaxed, and they're ALL co-ed. But I get to miss a third of the school year cause' I work on the ranch with my uncle. I even got my own horse, how cool is that?
Even though life here is all aI've ever wanted, it isn't perfect without you. I'm still waiting for you...we'll be together again someday, I promise.
It's barely been a month but I miss you so much. But knowing you're waiting for me and loving me over there makes it easier to bear.
That's all for now...write back, okay? Take care of yourself, I love you.
Christy.
>>>END MESSAGE<<
>>INCOMING MESSAGE<<
From: Stanley [life-sucks@automail.com]
To: Christy [firestorm@ex-mail.com]
05.07.06//10:30:54am
Hi Christy,
I've missed you too. You don't know you've driven me crazy worrying about you--you didn't write for weeks! And not being near you is driving me crazy too--that's why I'm migrating today.
I'll be off as soon as this message gets in your inbox. I know I promised I'd go with you...but I wasn't ready then.
I'll make it up to you.
I'll be reaching the airport around the late afternoon or evening. I'll call you. So make sureyou got a bed ready, cause' I'm never gonna let myself be more than a mile away from you again.
I gotta go if I wanna catch my flight. See you later baby, I love you too.
One last thing: don't EVER say goodbye.
Stan.
>>END MESSAGE<<
16:32
15.9.04
if you have time, read this.
[IF it really can't wait, todays diary entry is at the bottom. but im WARNING you, you're missing out.]
i like writing stories.
because in a story, i can live out the things i never got to do in real life.
this is one of them.
its fiction, but if i had had the guts, and if other factors hadn't changed, it'd be true.
and i wouldn't be sitting here typing this.
i was - this close, away from doing it.
well here goes.
+:.[escape--part I].:+
Dear Mom and Dad,
By the time you've read this letter, I've left the country. Please don't worry about me. I'll be okay, I promise. A friend's already agreed to take me in...I'll have a place to stay.
It'll be easier on all of us if I leave. I'll have a new start in life. You won't have me around to yell at.
I left early this morning. You guys were still sleeping when I walked out the door.
* * *
It was barely a few metres away, but the drawer seemed to be miles from the door. I could see the figure of my mom curled up on the bed, and the steady rise and fall of my father's chest. My heart was pounding so loud I was almost sure it'd wake them.
The cool night air blew in from the window, ruffling my hair as I crept across the rom, wishing my footfalls didn't sound so loud. I cracked open the drawer and my fingers flicked through all the bills and letters lying on top of the mess inside, the way they always did when I ran short of cash and had to pinch a ten from my dad's wallet. ...Until I got caught, in the middle of a night just like tonight, and my dad woke up to use the bathroom. My hands shook as I touched the small, red cover of my prize--my passport. I grabbed my dad's wallet from the dressing table and scooted out, closing the heavy wooden door behind me.
I couldn't get out fast enough.
*
Somewhere from inside his wallet, I slipped out a small silver card. I grabbed my suitcase and keys, tossing the wallet onto the table. I unlocked the gate, taking one last, long look at my house. So many memories; so many things had happened within those walls. Things that had changed me, made me what I was, made me stand where I was standing tonight. So much I wished I'd never known.
"Bye," I whispered, after carefully lifting my suitcase out the door. The gate rattled as I closed it behind me. The lock clicked shut. This goodbye meant goodbye forever.
* * *
Dad, I'm really sorry about taking the $9,000. And the other few thousand in my account. But I really need the cash. Just in case I don't find my friend that easily. I'll need it to get by. I'll pay you back when I get a job somewhere.
* * *
I slipped the coin into the slot and dialed. I counted ten rings before a groggy voice answered the phone.
"Hello..?"
"Stan...is that you?"
"Christy? What's up--this isn't your number. Where are you?"
"I'm under your block."
"Under my WHAT?" A pause as he tried to comprehend. "What the HELL are you doing under my block at 3am?"
"I--It's hard to explain like this--could you come down?"
"Sure. One minute." He hung up.
*
Stan stared straight ahead, his brow creased into a frown. The look in his eyes was unreadable. I finished off and leaned back onto the wall. I didn't know what he was thinking but I knew he was thinking hard.
"You're really leaving?" He asked slowly, after what seemed like forever.
"Yes." I swallowed hard.
Silence.
"You told me about this before."
"Yeah...I did."
"And...I..." He faltered. "I promised to come with you, didnt I?"
"...Yeah."
Pause.
"Christy, I..." he trailed off, biting his lip. "You...you see, all the time you talked about it, I thought it was just talk. Just you and a crazy idea...I didn't think you'd really do it...so, I...Well..." His sneaker scraped the floor.
It was a crazy idea, I should have been sensible enough to see this coming. In fact, I should have been sensible enough to trash it and beat it back home. But it wasn't my way. I felt the pinch as I forced myself not to cry. If I went it'd mean leaving him behind. Him, the only one who mattered to me in the world. But I had to go.
It took all of me to look him in the eye and say, "You don't have to come with me if you don't want to." I managed a small smile. I couldn't be selfish--his entire life was here. He couldn't leave.
I felt him reach for my hand and hold it tight. "I'm sorry--I'm really sorry. I'd go if I could...but--"
"I know," I smiled, careful not to let the light catch the tears in my eyes. "Anyway it isn't forever," I lied. It'd be easier if he thought I'd come back.
He wouldn't feel so torn if he thought I'd be okay if I left alone.
"I'll send you off," he picked up my heavy suitcase with ease, and gave a sigh as if he had the world on his shoulders. "Let's get you to the airport. We better hurry."
* * *
okayyy, that's all for escape part one. lol.
but i'll put part two in tomorrow or some other day, so leave a message if you like it yeah?
[though it doesn't really matter, i'll still load it up even if you'd rather die than read it.]
lol.
20:57
+:.[don't wanna think about you].:+
i hate this.
whyyy can't i just get it OUT of my mind?
sometimes...i really wonder if he loves or likes me as much as he makes it out to be.
i shouldn't be doubting him though. he's never let me down before.
its not that i like to think about it.
i just can't help it sometimes.
its not that i want it to happen. but i never know what the future brings, and...
why am i even thinking about this?
i really doubt that what i dread the most will ever happen--that it'll end.
but we all have moments of insecurity i guess, and this is mine.
mayyybe im just missing him too much.
i hope thats it.
future is an uncertain, ever-changing thing, and i dont know if the way he feels about me will ever change with time.
because as much as i know, the way i feel for him will never, ever change.
ever.
and the way he puts it, the word "us" is a really big IF.
at least thats the way it comes across to me.
i'll never be sure unless...well, he reassures me straight out.
but maybe thats asking for too much...
hais.
okay. got to stop thinking about that.
STOP it kristy STOP IT.
20:48
14.9.04
+:.[this angel is having a baaad day].:+
dammit.
i CAN'T find the code to put slides into my bloggie.
grrr.
[if ANYONE knows the code, would u pretty please give it to me? like on the message board or something.]
well i got the code done for the music, so its working nicely now.
real good midi btw, final fantasy theme of love LOL.
anyway.
math exam paper 1 today.
designed for torture and then to finish you off.
prelims are just academic WMD.
got my math paper 2 on thursday.
yeah.
nothing more to be said.
you should get the idea.
hais.
x.X
14:05
11.9.04
[[new skin.]]
aiight.
updates...yeah.
well, changed the skin for my blog.
it think it looks cuter now.
lol.
i like the angel...i just wish it had more than just one color.
but im not gonna edit it tho.
im just an amateur who knows the basics, so im not gonna do anything lest i screw up the entire blogskin and have to re-download the html and do the script all over again.
that would be for like the sixth time.
...yeah, post your comments on it aiight?
if it sucks i'll change it.
oh well.
anyway, went to church today to study.
ivan gave me tuition today but got alot of things he dunno cos he forgot all already LOL.
anyway, he tried, and im much clearer on alotta things now.
he helped me out a lot today, in more ways than one.
so yeah.
thanks man...you know what for.
im damn tired.
can't believe the holidays are coming to an end.
just one more day.
hope my -censored- dad lets me stay out tomorrow till like 4-5pm?
yeah.
gotta enjoy my last day of holiday man.
and after this its mugging mode--gotta study my arse off for the -censored- prelims.
bleah.
hate secondary school life.
well anyway gotta go.
i got 5 minutes left on the computer according to my -censored- father so i guess i'll do something more productive.
ciao.
20:29
testing testing 123.
19:07
3.9.04
+:.[my escape].:+
close your eyes
so that you can't feel them
you don't need to know the pain
that lies behind your smile
save it for another day
there's no time for you to cry
even though your heart is breaking
get a move on with life
there will never be an antidote
but you can will the pain away
because this too shall pass
into another cruel day
play pretend
imagine you aren't alone anymore
imagine you still have something
that's worth living for
fight your losing battles
for the victory that will never come
endure the eternal midnight
for the illusion of dawn
souls once lost cannot be found
under the deep dark underground
in despair there are only lies
that are your only hope
and there is only the emptiness
that keeps you holding on
there is only wisps of dreams
when your reality is gone.
19:56
