31.12.04
+:.[[walking on sunshine]].:+
im IN!!
halle-freakin-lujah im in im in im in weeeeeeeeeeeee...
yeah you have no idea what im talking about. i know.
but WHO THE HELL CARES im IN yeah man whoohoo--
aiight, from scratch.
went for my first job interview today.
not really an interview though, more like an audition.
auditioning for a contract with E-MAGE Artistes International.
not really a recording company, they showcase artistes who do live performances.
there were two other people there today. clara and some other bimbo that was getting on my nerves with her car-engine-cannot-start giggle.
turned out the bimbo couldnt sing to save her life. clara was damn good, but the only problem was she's more opera-ish. like, Les Miserables style so she wasnt what they were looking for.
i totally screwed. i was shaking, my voice was shaking, my hands were shaking and i could hardly hold the mic with that producer staring at me.
bleah.
but the good thing is they liked my style so im in.
yup.
yayyayyayyayyayyayyayyayyyyy im in im in im in -bounces around the room-
...well so im not really IN, but almost.
i got to go through four months of vocal training and after that they'll sign me up.
if i clinch the contract its not gonna make me a star, but i get to do what i love and get paid for it. not bad a deal.
just hope my dad allows it.
he doesn't even know i went for the audition today.
15:13
30.12.04
+:.[[new skin]].:+
finally its up.
my comp's infected with some bloody virus or spyware which i can't counterattack.
so i have to wait till my dad gets back.
took me hours to get this skin up.
which could have been done in 20 minutes if not for that %&#!ing spyware.
did the background and the pic myself with photoshop and paint.
i better give credit where its due so--
thanks to RYL.com where i got the base for the background.
and to dreamstarx who made the basic layout for the skin.
i can fiddle with the HTML and script to get a nice skin but i cant type out the basics from scratch so...
thanks again to dreamstarx.
this skin's dedicated to someone.
you know who you are.
not really in a mood to blog about feelings today or anything because the damn comp keeps hanging on me.
maybe some other time.
[[...i miss you.]]
17:36
28.12.04
+:.[[i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one]].:+
why is it every time i get off the phone with you my heart breaks?
maybe its being reminded over and over that your heart's no longer mine.
that its not me that you love.
that i have to give you up already because its no use holding on.
i don't want to stand in your way.
as long as you're happy...
i just hope you'll find someone who'll stay by you.
and loves you more than i do.
and me--i have to get over you.
so much easier said than done.
14:48
+:.[why?].:+
remind me again.
tell me why loving you can be so wrong.
if it is--then im guilty.
i dont care.
because though i try i just cannot escape and i cannot forget.
the first thing on my mind every morning, the last thing on my mind every night, the thought that haunts me when im alone and the voice i hear inside my head...
every smile i see, every embrace i feel, every laugh i hear...
so what if its someone else.
because when i close my eyes...
its you.
your laugh, your smile, your voice, your arms around me.
its been 4 days but my heart's still breaking.
i dont want you to see me cry.
i dont even want to cry for you.
i wish i could just forget but yesterday--just talking about it made the tears come. i dont know if you saw them.
and i dont know if you'd even care.
i spent a whole day with you and yet...every time i see your face, i fall for you all over again.
and my whole world falls apart.
because i know that smile on your face isnt for me. and everytime you look at me you see right through me.
on the 26th of december...you were there.
so close--and yet miles apart.
and despite all this...
i still love you.
can't you see that its all a cover-up?
can't you see past the way im acting like i dont care whether i have you or not--look past all that.
and you'll find that in my heart the only space that's left is for you.
i love you.
because without you i can't...i just can't move on.
because its so hard.
so hard to pretend that i dont love you when i do.
and its so hard to be in love with the impossible.
and its here, in the silence, when im alone...
when i can hear my heart breaking...
its here that i'll call out your name, over and over. and hope you can hear me.
its here where you cant see me that i'll cry for you
cry because you cant see, because you will never understand and cry because this time you wont give me a second chance.
it's here in my memories that i'll live forever, because its in my memory that there was you and me, and nothing else mattered.
from now on my past will become my future.
and its here that i'll keep a place for you.
for eternity.
and i'll still be here waiting. hoping. wishing.
and loving you, loving what's impossible.
13:40
24.12.04
[[if your heart's not in it...]]
[[Father, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...]]
i wish i never asked so much.
wonderful, you damn bitch kristy, you just have to go and screw up everything every single time.
its no point if your heart's not in it, true.
but if your heart's not in it then just LIE to me, dammit.
because the truth really hurts.
i don't think i'll ever be over this.
it's happening too fast for me to believe it's real.
and i can't help thinking the way im feeling about you now is exactly the way you feel about her.
wanting to let go but still holding on somehow.
wanting to forget everything.
wanting the impossible.
even though some things come to a closure...
it doesn't mean it's ended.
because feelings just go on.
sometimes tyou just cannot let go even when it's already over.
and it really isn't fair.
maybe it was a mistake starting this.
maybe it wasn't supposed to happen.
maybe, just maybe it could have worked out--i dont know.
we'll never know now.
i don't hate you.
i just want us to be good friends. the way it was before this happened.
i just want you to be happy.
...even if it means you instead of me.
mode``broken.
spinning``happy ending--avril lavigne
enquote``sometimes goodbye is the only way out for you and me.
[[so this is love.]]
13:31
13.12.04
+:.[i just lost it].:+
[[Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
It's really tense, no one makes a sound
Everything looks like it's 8 Mile now
The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves
A step back to reality
Look it's B.Rabbit
You signed me up to battle I'm a grown man
Duba duba duba duba duba duba
I don't have any lines to go right here so
Duba duba duba duba
Fella's what? fella's what?
Grab your left nut, make right one jealous what?
Black girls
White girls
Skinny girls
Fat girls
Tall girls
Small girls
I'm calling all girls
Everyone report to the dance floor
It's your chance for a little romentor
But squeezin it's the season
Just go aah aah aah aah
It's so appealing
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that ass
Oops i mean girl
Girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
Just lose it
Go crazy
Oh baby
Oh baby baby]]
i dont know what happened.
or how it happened.
i didn't do it--yet, im guilty as charged.
somehow i feel like im camping at the fork of a crossroad.
not going--but not staying either.
i just lost it today.
and i wish it'd never happened.
[risk.]
i didn't want to do this
but here i am again;
trying to pretend
love never comes with pain;
so once again im trying
to deny what i feel;
its overly romantic
to say this time, it's real.
to me love never lasted
long enough to be true;
and before i let myself fall
too deep in love with you;
lets get this straight
before you break my heart;
if we aren't going anywhere
then we better not start.
if you ever lie to me
tell me its the truth;
cos even if it means believing lies
i want to believe in you;
if you ever leave me
leave without a goodbye;
because at least that way
you'll never see me cry.
no matter when you leave me
if you ever change your mind...
im still right here waiting
each and every time--
because this heart is your playground
i don't care what you do;
because i'll do whatever it takes
just to be with you;
you can make me or break me
hurt me or heal the pain;
anyone can start the thunderstorm
but only you can stop the rain.
i guess ive lost it this time
risking everything on you;
because when love is a gamble
every time, i lose...
when it comes down to this, though,
when everything's said and done,
when i look back on all i've been through,
i guess you're the only one,
worth staking what's left of my heart on;
worth giving this one last shot;
worth sacrificing all my hopes on;
worth loving more often than not;
and no matter what the ending
when what we have is through;
im glad i risked everything i had
because
i love you.
19:21
1.12.04
+:.[countdown].:+
countdown to a few major things.
mission trip on the 15th.
then there's that someone coming back in a few days' time.
and currently singapore is counting down to the unveiling of the first ever SINGAPORE IDOL.
honestly, i dont give a damn about whoever wins.
since olinda went out i have lost all interest in that show.
i mean, how could 2 karaoke lounge rejects contain my interest?
was forced to watch it today though, cause my parents were hooked on it all through family dinner.
torture, pure torture.
sylvester beautifully butchered its my life by bon jovi. truthfully, if he sang "killing me softly" it'd be nearer to the mark. the title itself is SO him--it embodies his singing style.
in my opinion he totally overdid it, with all those unnecessary ad libs he over-peppered his song with.
not to mention those ad libs sounded like ripping metal and cats in heat.
and that oh-so-corny point-and-wink-half-grin thing he does.
makes my hair stand.
oh well, if he doesn't make it, he'll still be the idol of all the ah-lian hearts in singpore, not to mention a role-model for those boys who are stuck in the middle of an identity crisis, aka i-am-a-punk-rocker-ah-beng-with-no-dress-sense.
FYI, there is no such thing as a punk rocker ah beng.
[unless you are as confused as sylvester sim.]
it's like an infant formula and vodka cranberry cocktail.
if he showed any skill at all, it's in the bloody, cold-blooded way he killed and re-killed bon jovi's almighty evergreen song, which i happen to adore. he could always get a job at the slaughterhouse if his singing career fails.
or as a gore choreographer for the movie SAW part 2.
the way he sang--sends chills up your spine.
as for taufik, i have nothing else to say except that when he sings, he looks like he is in urgent need of a toiletbowl, lots of tissue paper and a ton of laxatives.
and his rendition of the reason by hoobastank sounded like he was forcing it out the way he looked like he was trying to force out his--[see above] you know.
sorry guys, but my loyalty lies with oli.
all or nothing.
anyway, went to catch princess diaries with jingyi after skating on monday.
not a bad show.
pretty romantic, got me missing someone like hell--but whatever.
and it's damn funny.
got a new wallet, but ive realised my mistake of buying on impulse.
it's the kind of flip-open wallets, but its made of denim instead of sensible leather.
[imma denim person, what can i say. 70% of my stuff is made of denim. or contains denim.]
and the damn wallet wont stay shut.
so currently i have piled my entire collection of encylopaedias on it, hoping that will help some.
borrowed a few books from the library [LOL] after going to the gym today.
there's this really cool compilation of short stories about love and sex and incest--DONT get the wrong idea. i didnt know what it contained.
it had a really innocent title. ["nothing but you. a compilation of love, hugs and kisses." see. you SEE.]
but its got entries that date as far back as 1969--you wouldn't believe the neat, polite, erm, extremely subtle way they describe an entire sex act.
its more of a comedy than a romance, really.
or maybe a mind puzzle.
i had to spend quite a while figuring out what "twin mounds of peach-coloured heaven" meant.
and i should probably get my hands on a copy of "arabian nights--the unabridged version".
heehee.
22:00
