27.1.05
+:.[[how i am going to take over the government and proceed to rule the world.]].:+ with regard to ivan's last tag.
thanks poohbear, you helped to plant the seed of--uh, revolution into the over-fertillised soil of my mind.
[jingyi is going to think this sounds sick, but who cares. girl if you think its sick then dont ever post anything like this in your blog. but this is MY blog and IM going to do what I want. so shoot me. ^^]
so.
down to how it all began... once upon a time, i loved valentine's day. but now i hate it. because i realised that its a pathetic waste of 24 precious hours of your life.
the average human lifespan is 70 to 75 years.
lets take it at 75.
one vally day every year.
multiply that by 75.
1800 hours wasted.
multiply it by 60.
108, 000 precious minutes wasted.
108, 000 minutes, friends and countrymen, which could have been spent working to earn money, saving for your future or your children's college education, spent with an aged parent who needs your company and support, or even out socializing and having a good time with your friends.
not to mention the COST of valentine's day.
one bouquet of roses could cost anywhere from $20 and run into $100s.
lets just take an average.
$60, multiply that by 75.
$4500.
okay, i KNOW you dont only get roses for your girl, she'd slap you hard and good and then date a loser to spite you.
so you buy chocolates. good ones.
which cost $20.
so, again, by 75.
$1500.
and for you jerk-offs out there who cheat on your honey--i know some of you go up to five-timing your valentine.
and then there are some singles who go out with 5 people on the same day because they cant make up their damn minds.
so.
that would be $4500 plus $1500 times 5.
$30,000.
now.
in singapore YOU COULD BUY A FRIGGIN CAR with that, dude, [secondhand though. if you buy it overseas you can get a firsthand.] what the HECK are you doing spending it on vally's day? and time is money as we all know. so.
if you take 108,000 and add it to 30,000 you get 138,000 and my calculator just broke.
anyway. you have $138,000 on your hands, cold hard cash [or maybe plastic.] and you spend it on--
donald trump would hire someone to ASSASSINATE you.
and so would i.
BUT, if you did NOT spend $138,000 on vally day, you could hire Osama himself and his entire monkey troupe to come kill us both before we cut you head off and snigger at your pathetic business sense. [like, get a LAWYER, man. or at the very least, you can always negotiate and compromise. of course, you wont be getting any medical claims or benefits.]
so now, after ive showed you all the pros and cons, what do you think is more profitable, investing your money in something more worthwhile like a CISCO bodyguard and maybe even a Rolls Royce, education for your kids and a personal swimming pool and drink bar for yourself and a nice house for your aged parents, investments that may last forever;
OR a pathetic bunch of roses that are going to wilt and rot and die before the week is over and chocolates that are going to pass out in someone's sh**?
okay. im done with my platform.
1. put down vally day. note to self: do it US president style: bullshit if necessary. [when not necessary, bullshit all the more.]
2. starting recruiting platform members.
3. give main speech. remember to use the fairytale opening line: if elected, i promise...
4. [this step is too complicated to divulge to the lesser minds of the community. no offence, this is nothing personal. its politics. and when i use the word politics, i can lie about anything and everything. because politics itself is nothing more than a big fat lie. ^^ so what im trying to say is YES, you all are stupid and YES, it IS personal, im just gonna bullshit here because I FEEL LIKE IT and so that you all with fall in love with my endless charm and all that shit and VOTE for me to RULE you. so. blahblahblahyaddayaddayaddayapyapyaprahrahrah...ok im done.]
5. recruit an army. [note to self: noah, son of daniel is an ideal candidate for an army general. with my own two eyes i saw him in action in the mission trip, holding only minute-long speeches recruiting kampong chickens to join him in his forces to take over the world. the remarkble thing is, the chickens began following--er, chasing him around loyally even with his minute, tiny speech. and since his ambitions coincide with mine i may be able to negotiate joint dictatorship and get him and his army of kampong chickens to be my allies.]
6. with my hundreds of adoring fans--er, followers and believers of my cause, and my wonderful supporters and my party members, i shall storm the Istana with my chicken army and take over the PAP government.
7. then i shall kick Mr S.R. Nathan outta his house in his gardening singlet and bermudas and flip flops and establish my army headquarters smack in the middle of his bedroom.
8. ABOLISH SCHOOL.
9. ABOLISH ALL STUDY OF ALGEBRA. useless crap, that.
10. rule all singapore together with my party members.
11. invade and take over Asia.
12. invade take over the WORLD.
13. take over--uh, havent got that far yet. i shall be updating my campaign plans to take over life as we know it.
i am open to negotiations for joint leadership and ruling, though in that case you will do all the work and i will take all the credit.
the blame?
well, since ivan started it, and since he's the one who helped me come up with this wonderful idea, if anything goes wrong, and since you are all busy working for ME and im busy taking the credit, he's the only one free.
so you can all blame him.
now, my dear poohbear, do you understand why i need you on the ticket? ^^ disclaimer:
this entry is entirely ficitious.
i have NO chicken army, that belongs to noah.
and i have NO plans of starting a world war 3 with or without weapons and bloodshed.
and i dont want to take over the universe or planet earth or even singapore for that matter; jeez, i have enough problems with my own life already.
and yes, whatever offends you guys out there, my good pal ivan is NOT to blame.
mail me and blame me all you want; knock yourselves out. i am solely responsible.
[although i cannot promise that i WILL do anything about what ive said here except maybe to post excerpts of your letters and poke fun at--er, make good and educational use of them.]
if i catch any of you out there blaming ivan for my bull i will unleash all hell on you and hunt you down with my REAL army.
and they are NOT chickens.
so there.
19:34
25.1.05
[[someone's watching over me.]]
I FELL DOWN THE MRT STAIRS TODAY.
woot.
i sprained me ankle.
double woot.
i bruised me backside too.
--honest..!
slipped on the top stair at Outram Park MRT and went bOuNciNg all the way down screaming like a throat-cut chicken until i hit the flat platform.
in the middle of the rush-hour crowd.
i will never, NEVER wear high heels and a mini-mini-skirt at the same time ever again for as long as i live.
[...how many times have i said that i will never, NEVER wear high heels and a mini-mini-skirt at the same time ever again for as long as i live already anyway..?]
damn, it was funny.
reminds me of ben and lydia's wedding. ^^
stuff hasn't been going well at all.
my love life isn't going too good, neither is working life [if i even have one] and my social life is BLAH.
and yet i can still find time to laugh at meself.
amazing arent i.
please, please remain seated. no need for a standing ovation--ACK [dodges flying rotten tomatoes] okay.
not funny.
sorry.
[jeez what is WRONG with me today.]
seriously though.
you wouldn't want to be me for ten million buckaroos right now.
but even so, life is good.
and i can still smile.
see.
call me psycho, i dont care.
[i dont care because i know i AM psycho. ^^ and proud of it babe whoohoohooooo...--okay i have GOT to STOP this crap.]
ive learnt to find the good stuff in everything.
i HAVE to, or i'd be suicidal.
either that or psycho.
[wait. i already am psycho. --oh well, side effects of trying to remain positive when shit happens to you.]
but i realised that there's so much to be thankful for, and there's so much more good in every day than there is the bad stuff.
you just gotta learn how to look for it.
yup, even in falling down MRT stairs. ^^
and another thing is...i know ive got Someone watching over me.
always. ^^
.:.i found myself today
i found myself and ran away;
but something pulled me back
a voice of reason i forgot i had.
all I know is youre not here to say
what you always used to say;
but it's written in the sky tonight.
so i wont give up;
no i won't break down.
sooner than it seems
life turns around.
and i will be strong
even if it all goes wrong.
when i'm standing in the dark;
i'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.
i've seen that ray of light
and it's shining on my destiny.
shining all the time--
and i won't be afraid
to follow everywhere it's taking me.
all i know is yesterday is gone;
and right now i belong
to this moment;
to my dreams.
so i won't give up;
no i won't break down.
sooner than it seems
life turns around.
and i will be strong
even if it all goes wrong.
when i'm standing in the dark;
i'll still believe
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
yeah
Someone's watching over me.:.
even though now it seems as if im alone, you've been holding my hand all the way.
and You've never let go.
even though i feel as if im in the darkest hour of my life where im not sure of anything or anyone anymore, and i dont know where im coming from, where i am or where im headed...
You're still watching over me.
and i know You care.
thanks Jesus. i love You.
20:18
23.1.05
+:.[[life as a mashed potato]].:+ so Teenz has an excess of leaders and helpers at the moment, and therefore i should consider visiting other ministries and seeing what its like, no need to attend Teenz service; the reason being they "don't want you to feel redundant". so now that the extra helpers that went in with me are STILL sitting in for Teenz and ive been dragged screaming and kicking into some half-baked ministry like creative arts--
what am i?
a fucking [sorry mel, can't help it] mashed potato?
maybe.
well whatever it is, everything's nice and fine and rosy because now that im not in Teenz i dont feel; that's right; REDUNDANT. sorry to contradict, but i've already been feeling REDUNDANT since i stepped into church a year ago.
ive been feeling REDUNDANT since every time i walk into the sanctuary it feels like im a minesweeper starting the day's work.
ive been feeling REDUNDANT ever since even though im in a room full of people; or at a table full of people, ive never understood how one could feel utterly alone and cast out until now. somehow, either a) everyones forgotten that im actually there; or b) everyones forgotten that i actually exist; or c) i really do look like a potted plant.
im not trying to get all of everyone's instant, undying attention and make them all fall in love with me or something.
after all who would want to love a potted plant?
ive reached the point where just a "someone's missing--where's that potted plant?" is more than enough to keep me smiling the rest of the day.
why?
because im REDUNDANT.
plain and simple. so theres no need to worry about saving my feelings and putting me somewhere else other than Teenz so i won't feel redundant; since no matter WHERE I GO or WHAT I DO i will always, ALWAYS be REDUNDANT in this church. well ivan's always been telling me to do something about it. so i will.
im going to stop living as a mashed potato/potted plant and do what i should have done all along.
im going to pack up my bags and get outta here.
i dont know when i'll do it.
but its not an IF.
and i guess the only standing ovation i'll get, in my entire life in this church so far, is when everyone, all the friends that i thought were mine and all the people i thought i knew, gather to watch me step through the doors and leave forever.
no one's gonna cry to see me go.
no one's gonna even ask me to stay.
no one's even going to care to ask where im going.
and behind me, i guess i'll hear champagne bottles cracking, cheers and shouts and the sounds of a big party...the part of life that i'll never, ever get to have.
13:06
22.1.05
+:.[[alone on valentine's]].:+
someone wanted an update.
so here it is.
if youre wondering why im at your beck and call, so am i.
tell me when you find out. im gonna be alone this valentine's day.
first time in a long while.
but im gonna have a long while to get used to it.
looking at my romance department...
since my heart only belongs to one fellow...
[besides Jesus, aiight, that one's understood]
who could pretty much live without it and live pretty darn well too...
no, i dont think i'll be going on vally day dates for a looong time. just thinking about it makes me want to...
shred all the roses and chocolates and heart-shaped lovey-dovey cards to pieces.
for once, this year, i wish valentine's day could be eradicated.
maybe i should skip valentine's day a la Christmas with the Kranks.
because this year i'll get no chocolates.
or roses.
or stuff toys.
or countless [aiight, exaggeration] invitations to go out for a movie. only problem is i dont think there'll be a long line of guys outside my house yelling FREE FROS-- uh, KRISTY through my windows this year.
that would be nice though.
but oh well.
that's life for you.
went to ngee ann poly open house today.
had to stay awake the whole of the bus trip because me and jing didnt know where to get down.
thank god this guy wearing a ngee ann poly shirt sat next to us, so we decided to play monkey and get off when he did.
not that we needed to, because before we reached the stop there was this huge sign that said NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC so yeah, i wasted 40 mintues poring through the bus guide for nothing. saw ivan today. kinda hard to make him out because everyone was wearing the same shirt and the convention hall looked like a scattered sea of hongbaos.
anyway he looked pretty good in red. alright i'll go back to mourning my dateless valentine's.
the rest of you guys who're already planning a romantic candlelight dinner at the Lakeside on 14th february with your special someone...
or who are getting that warm fuzzy feeling because someone just confessed their unending, undying love [mind you, thats all BULLSHIT] for you...
or who are feeling those butterflies riccochetting around your stomach because you still have to ask that darling whoever out...
BAH, HUMBUG to you all.
and a happy chinese new year.
13:37
17.1.05
+:.[[beautiful; no matter what they say]].:+
everyday is so wonderful--
then suddenly...
it's hard to breathe.
now and then...
i get insecure from all the pain.
no matter what we do, no matter what we say;
when the sun is shining through
then the clouds won't stay;
and everywhere we go
the sun won't always shine
but tomorrow will find a way...
...i am beautiful; no matter what they say.
words can't bring me down--
i am beautiful, in every single way.
yes; words can't bring me down...
so don't you bring me down today. sometimes, its so hard to believe that.
because at times like now...
i've never felt so ugly before, inside and out.
ugly, unwanted and totally worthless. even though thats only the way i feel; but nevertheless...it's a strong feeling.
and as much as i try to convince myself it's not true...
sometimes...
i screwed up today while talking to someone.
again.
maybe i should get it into my ugly, unwanted, and totally thick skull that im TALKING to someone and not screwing around with football tactics. got retrenched today too. okay.
fired.
whatever you want to call it.
i ain't got a job no more.
just sent in my resume to another company for an admin post, so hopefully they'll take me.
loading self-confidence:__________2%___________loading self-destruct sequence: ../engage self-destruct sequence? [Y/N]
../
18:02
15.1.05
+:.[[love conquers all]].:+
before you read this.
this entry is going to be extremely deep and phliosophical. so if you think you're too dense to understand it i suggest you quit this page.
it took me three times re-reading to fully comprehend this stupid excerpt, but it really is worth the while.
might help you answer some impossible questions or at least provide the basis for an answer in the love department.
at least, it helped me.
Love conquers all.
it's one of the most romantic phrases of all time.
and also one of the most misunderstood.
if it conquers all in the way we interpret it to;
if Love conquers greed, envy, jealousy, hatred, lies, pain, sorrow, and all the banes of our time;
if it really does overwrite wrongs and doctors our hurts;
then why does Love hurt so much? i think i found the part of the answer to this in a book i was reading today, which interpreted Agostino Carracci's engraving, entitled "Love Conquers All."
i think i should give a bit of background on the engraving, or at least what it looks like. i'd scan it in from the picture in the book, but with all my javascript skills i still havent found out how to load a pic onto an entry.
so a description will have to do. on the right side of the picture are 2 naked women. [i dont know why the artists of this time like to do the women naked and as fat as i am but whatever, im deviating.] on the left side, a winged baby boy beating up a much larger and more muscular satyr. [which also happens to be without clothes. what is UP with artists and naked people.]
a satyr, in case you dont know, is a legendary beast with the body and form of a man, except he has goat legs, horns, and on occasion a tail.
aiight, now the meaningful part.
" 'That,' my father said, pointing to the boy, 'is Love.'
He let it sink in.
'He's not supposed to be on your side. You fight with him; you try to undo what he does to others. But he's too powerful. No matter how much we suffer, Virgil says, our hardships cannot move him.' I got the simplest bit of it, I think: by trying to make Jenny Harlow fall head over heels for me, I was arm-wrestling Love, which my own cheap bracelet had been telling me was futile. My mother had warned me about misguided love; and now my father was offering his counterpoint, riddled in Virgil and Chaucer. He knew exactly how she felt, he was saying; he may even have agreed.
But how could he stop it, what power did he have against the force he was fighting, when Love conquered all?
The world is a Jenny Harlow, I think; we're all just fishermen telling stories about the one that got away. All that stays with me is the picture my father showed me, the part he never said a word about, where the two naked women are watching Love bully the satyr.
I've always wondered why Carracci put two women in the engraving, when he only needed one. Somewhere in that is the moral I took from the story: in the geometry of love, everything is triangular. For every Tom and Jenny, there is a Julius; for every Katie and Tom, there is a Francesco Colonna; and the tongue of desire is forked, kissing two but loving one.
Love draws lines between us like an astronomer plotting a constellation from stars, joining points into patterns that have no basis in nature.
The butt of every triangle is the heart of another, until the roof of reality is a tessellation of love affairs. Taken together, they have the pattern of netting; and behind them, I think, is Love.
***
'I love you,' I told Katie, stepping toward her so that she could press her face into my shirt and be invisible for a moment. 'I'm so sorry.'
That was the moment, I think, when the tide began to change.
My terminal condition, the love affair I thought was in my genes, slowly started to lose its grip on me. The triangle was collapsing. In its place stood a pair of points, a binary star, seperated by the smallest possible distance.
'I'll tell Paul,' I said, the best and most truthful thing I could, 'I'm going to stop working on the book.'
Paul...was generous about my spin on things. It was more than his way of showing respect, I think; it was a way of showing his friendship.
'It's better to love something that can love you back,' he told me.
It was the only thing he needed to say." --taken from The Rule of Four, by Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason.
that's all i really need to say, i think.
borrow the book if you can, or buy it, it's really good.
13:41
13.1.05
got this from some website. i dont know if it works, but hey, if you're poor and bored [like me] its well worth a try.
the person who logged this in said it worked for him, anyway.
Walk up to one of the outside pop machines, with a bottle of WARM salt water, table salt and warm water will do. start pouring it in the part where you put your cash in, and VOILA! Cash and pop will start spewing out! I think it's because it confuses the electronic locks.
19:16
12.1.05
+:.[[never again.]].:+
"lay it down
i've come to lay it down
lay it down
i've got to lay it down
my convictions
my emotions
my pursued lustfulness
my depression
my addiction
i cast them down
lay it down
i've come to lay it down
lay it down
i've got to lay it down..."
-among thorns; lay it down-
that ma chiam sums up what i really want to say in this entry.
like what melv told me last night; give it all to God, let go and never look back.
its harder than it sounds.
but in the end, somehow, its the easiest way out.
oh by the way, i got to thank melv for taking the time out to...uh, try and cheer me up; nag me and giving me a lot of good advice.
and telling me his long-winded, chinese-serial-stereotype love story.
and making me cry. [no, im not being sarcastic. crying helped.]
so here goes: thanks a million bro!!
=)
aiighty now that's done...
thought through some of the things he helped knock into my thick skull. =)
aaaand my typical rocket-scientist-brain-surgeon type conclusion is; dont hold your breath-- i am going to change.
[TOLD you it was really a rocket-scientist-worthy answer.]
yep.
[blah, how many times have a said that.
but little by little, i AM improving, i just SLIPPED UP a LITTLE yesterday okay melvin so WHAT. bah. lol.]
okay; first step.
im going to stop using four-lettered words.
in some cases, five.
i think my life would be so much better if i'd never used that four-letter word on people.
and needless to say, it'd be WAYYY much better if people had never used it on me.
guess that four-lettered word is one of the greatest so-called evils in my life. i will stop using words like Football Club United Kingdom [rearrange the caps if you're too dense to catch it =) ] and Babe In Total Control of Him [just the caps.] and other words like that.
never gonna use those again, as far as i can help it.
especially THE worst four-letter word to use on anyone, and the worst four letter word certain people have used on me, the word that ive been referring to above as THAT four-letter word:
love.
oh well. you live and you learn.
ive just learnt the hardest lesson ever.
never again.
18:44
9.1.05
+:.[[impossible is nothing]].:+
yayyyiminteensiminteensiminteeeensyayyayyaywhoot...
ahaha. aiight im not making sense.
i should learn how to organize my thoughts. God really does answer prayer.
well, those that make sense anyway.
and to think that last night i was praying to God asking Him to kill me and take me away from this place and the half-life i have.
good thing He wrote it off to me being plain stupid and over-emotional. was posted to the Brigade ministry, but i really didnt want the responsibility because im pretty much prejudiced against the Brigade and i spent 3 years out of 4 wishing i'd never chosen that stupid CCA.
when william asked...well, told me, actually, to help out in the GB ministry i was like, ew NO. but on the other hand i felt pretty bad jagging him as well.
so i just accepted it and told God that i'd take it if that was what He wanted me to do, but if it wasnt i knew He'd open up another option for me. and now imma TEENS HELPER whoohoo yea.
and my cell rocks. theres wan hui and FRECKLED GIRLLL!!
ahaha. how cool is that.
and the other people in are pretty cool too.
hope i can handle it, ive always had a tiny [okay not so tiny] problem with responsibility.
but God wouldnt put me in the ministry if He thought i cant make the cut.
wish me luck...
15:54
8.1.05
+:.[[french-kissing my life goodbye]].:+
never mind the rather...*ahem* entry title for now.
tomorrow is sunday.
which means its a day before monday, a day before i have to go to work.
work means i have to wake up at 5am and get back home at 4pm.
if im lucky.
which means i have to spend nine bloody hours with my slavedriver of a supervisor, paul, at 7/11 trying to remember how to work the cash register. though my system of working the register is very different from the beep-beep-beep-kerching-thankyouhaveaniceday style of cashier-ing.
its more of:
beep-beep-beep-oops.-i-think-that-was-the-wrong-button.
or the:
im-sure-he-said-its-this-button-to-open-the-cash-drawer-im-dead-sure-beepbeepBOOP-...uh oh-that's-not-good-beeeeeeeeeep-SHIT-beeep-WHAM-ah hah-i-fixed-it. and sometimes, theres also the worst one. the:
beep-beep-boop-oh-SHIT-wrong-button-ackackack-panic-what-do-i-do-now-shit-ACK-beepbeepbeep-BEEP-beeeeeeeeeeep-OH-HOLY-SHIT-ack-WHAM-BEEEEEEEEEEEP-ACK-couldyouholdyourpurchase? i'llgogetthemanager-PAAAAUUUL... yeah.
and my supervisor who is either the devil incarnate, a modern-day hitler, or a human slave trader in his past life fixes the problem, gives the customer a smile and goes right on to degrading me to the point of tears.
im not exaggerating, it is that bad.
if anything, the only part is exaggerated is how i work the cash register. then when he feels like it, paul makes me run from register to stockpile carry back a ton of heavy goods restock drop everything when a customer walks in work cash register screw up fix it get scolded go back to stockpile carry back a ton of heavy...
yep. you get the idea.
and i still get to mop and clean the floor when the restockings done. and nine hours of that, 5 days a week.
inevitably, i burn my whole day at 7/11 and by the time i get back its 5pm.
so im out 12 hours.
and im so dead zonked, i get an early dinner and sleep like the dead until 5am next morning and its hi-ho-off-to-BLOODY-work-i go. as of monday, i'll have no life.
im already stretched to the max and stressed out as it is.
and with this job...
yet i can barely let my golden days of slacking and bumming around the house go like that.
the only thing that keeps me going is the cash.
who in their RIGHT mind would work like a dog if there was no perk? [read: MONEY.] ...and for THIS i am sacrificing on the altar of the workforce and slavery my wonderful, easy-going, laid-back lifestyle?
i must be crazy.
and all for the love of money.
bleah.
but if i have to kiss life as i know it goodbye, i'll give it a nice, slow, long french kiss and promise to come back.
18:36
6.1.05
+:.[[learn to let go]].:+
i guess i should have known better, i shouldve known it'd turn out this way from the start.
but whos to know what happens in the future? i was so stupid, thinking that this would last.
that you'd actually stay.
that for once, at least, i had something real...
guess im always hoping for more than anyone can give.
not demanding.
just hoping, wishing, dreaming...
maybe if i demanded it would hurt less when i fall but--that wouldnt be me. i didnt come here to cry.
its just that the dream that ive been holding onto for so long is coming to an end.
its not your fault and i dont blame you.
i shouldnt have built my dreams around the hope that one day, maybe we'd be more than friends.
after all, what is hope?
its a dream, an illusion, a feeling that you reach out for when theres nothing solid to grasp to keep you from falling forever...
so now that you've taken the first step away from me...
left me standing here, in your retreating shadow...
whats there left for me to do?
what do you do when it seems as if the most beautiful chapter of your life has ended in a book where the pages can never turn back? walk away, i guess.
just leave.
never come back.
and learn to let go.
learn that no matter how much its going to hurt to give it up, you can never hold on forever.
and you'll never hear my voice again, never see my smile, never spend hours talking like we used to do.
not that you'll miss any of it.
and maybe the only thing you'll see, if you turn around fast enough, is the glimpse of my shadow a distance away behind you.
the only thing you'll hear is the echo of my footsteps somewhere nearby.
because even though i have to let go, i can never kill what i feel for you inside. ive tried, but its invincible.
as long as im alive, it will be, because its a part of me.
and as long as im alive, i'll always be somewhere behind you, around the corner of your eye, quietly watching, ready catch you, should you ever fall.
should you ever need someone...just call, and i'll be right here.
...not that i'll be the one you'll look for.
but when everyone else leaves you, i wont.
in a world where all good things fade and the bad things stay and never seem to leave...i guess this is how everything has to end. why, Lord..?
why let me fall so far and go through so much?
what is it that im not learning? ...now that You've led me here, to this place where it seems like everything ive had to keep me standing has been pulled out from under me...and all thats left is You...
You've brought me here. this far.
and im relying on You to bring me through this.
take me, carry me; because i havent got what it takes to walk this road on my own.
Lord i really dont know how im going to make it through this.
because this time it seems as if this night is going to last my lifetime.
so that's where You come in.
just, please Lord, make it quick.
13:30
5.1.05
+:.[[total surrender]].:+
was just looking back on my life today.
had a lot of time because the bus to my job interview was 20 minutes late.
ive finally realised why i screwed up 2004.
on the outside, 2004 seemed to rock my life.
i made lots of friends.
its the last year of my secondary education.
i had lotsa people who fell for me and got propositioned more than enough times.
but that was just on the outside because the friendships i built were superficial. manipulated and tailored and played with till i'd benefit no matter what.
school. well tt one no need to say, school always sucks. ahaha.
i played mind games with the people who fell for me and dangled all of them on a string and dragged them along behind me so id have something to fall back on. in 2004, everything was about me.
how to do this and that and everything so i come out on the top and so that i wont lose out on the so-called deal.
i was always in control. dominant.
looking back, that makes me sick.
I make MYSELF sick of ME.
bleah.
well not anymore.
one week into the new year.
so far things have not been that good.
i feel like i have absolutely NO grip on the things that are happening to me.
2005 sucks and im loving it. because its only when i have no control and i realise i can't do this anymore that i have to go to God and hand him the steering wheel, admit my drivers license has expired and that i'd be content to let him take control and no i wont argue and go where-the-HECK-are-we-going ive-never-seen-this-place-before or are-you-sure-we-arent-lost or are-we-there-yet or but-i want-to-shop-can-we-make-a-tiny-detour-here-pleeeease ...
this time its total surrender. and no hiding behind a web of lies and excuses that i'll get tangled up in in the end.
no "just this once"s. because i can't afford to waste any more time.
i got a job.
i got broken relationships to build back up.
i got school coming up again.
i got an awesome life ahead of me to live and a future so bright i have to wear sunshades.
i have people to win over for Christ.
and i have my life to shape up into a daily testimony.
and i have an attitude that needs a major adjustment.
i dont have time to cry over the past, stress out over the present or worry about the future and what comes next.
i dont have time to sob and mope around about mistakes that ive made because i wanted to be in control.
i dont have the time to waste over me myself and i when i have friends to love and a family to mend and God to draw nearer to. this year, im going to make real friendships, get real with myself, and live not for myself but for God.
and let God take control.
because that's how my life was meant to be. and in 2006 when i look back, i dont want to see myself living through that year, but Christ living through me.
and thats one goal im dead sure im gonna acheive.
so wish me luck.
not that i need it; i've got God.
=)
13:53
4.1.05
+:.[[breakthrough]].:+
thank God i did my QT today.
ive been neglecting it for ages but thank God my mom forced me to do my QT or else.
im so glad i didnt yell at her to shut up and leave me alone.
i've been asking the question why a lot recently. [understatement.]
why must my world crash around me, why did all this happen, why why why me.
today the book i was reading was written by someone who asked God why alot too.
ive never touched habakkuk because i thought it was pretty boring [haha] until today. that guy was facing a pretty big disaster, his country was taken over by another army, that nothing was going right, that his world was torn apart, that the good people never won...and why must it happen to him.
sounds a lot like me, although singapore is still a free country.
but ive always been asking...
why me Lord, why must i walk through life so afflicted and how come everything bad always happens to me, and everything good happens to everyone BUT me?
i found the answer to my in habakkuk 2 verse 3.
"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." [NIV]
...oookay, i think the other version is more readable.
"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time is coming when the vision will be fufilled. If it seems slow, do not despair. For these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" [TLB]
then i was like well that's great, God, at least all this shit is leading to something good. at least its not all for nothing. and it will end, in your time. so...
WHAT THE HECK am i supposed to do in between?!
habakkuk 3 verse 18-19.
"Even when all this happens, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be happy in the God of my salvation. The Lord is my strength. He will give me the speed of a deer. He will bring me safely over the mountains."
and i just sat there and stoned at the Bible for about, i dont know, 5 minutes. it was as if God was talking straight to me through His word. exactly what i need, the perfect answer to my problem. the perfect promise.
and then, [because God knows what a thick skull i have] in my QT guide were the words, "His attitude rebukes those of us who often grumble, "Why me? Why is God allowing this to happen?" Even if we're suffering acutely, we must not forget the mercies God pours into our lives...With unwanted burdens come undeserved blessings."
and then i had to stone for another 5 minutes.
after it all sank in...
its true.
im alive, i have a few good friends, i got a good life.
i got a family and both parents that get on my nerves but mean well.
i have Jesus.
and when i have Jesus i have everything that truly matters.
i have so much to be thankful for that i barely have time to complain about the things i don't have and the things i've lost.
Jesus, who is the same yesterday, today and forever, who habakkuk knew would carry him through, will carry me through this.
even though it seems hopeless and i feel like i can't, i just cannot...my hope will be in the Lord.
and He will give me the strength to go on.
in my weakness, His strength is made complete.
only through the fire is gold refined and made better than before.
and even though now i can't see the reason why, God can.
and i trust Him.
and only from Him comes the strength to keep my chin up even though my cross is hard to bear. and only in Him can i find the peace to still smile even though my world falls.
because He is holding my hand, and He has been through it all.
and as long as i never let go of Him...
nothing will ever break me.
"...i must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God."
---Mac Powell of Third Day, Mountain of God.
16:33
+:.[[shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool]].:+
so far in all my 16 years of life i have never felt like such an idiot.
why?
ah yes my favorite question. and the most irritating ever, even though why is only one word.
why the hell did i make such a stupid mistake?
why did i have to settle for second best?
why did i give up what was real and genuine for something that i knew was a lie?
why did i damage something that wouldve lasted forever in exchange for something that i shouldve known was never going to last?
and now because of that idiotic decision i have nothing left.
i broke the thing thats most precious to me over some bitch that was barely even worth it.
the only person that it was ever worth doing anything and everything for...
...is just slipping away.
the thing i treasured the most is just slipping through my hands and its taking my whole world, all my hopes, all my courage with it.
and i can't do anything but watch.
if theres anything ive ever really regretted, its making that mistake.
i can't turn back time. and now the thing that matters the most to me--the person that matters the most to me--is damaged beyond repair and no matter what i do, things will never be the same.
i'll never be the same.
sometimes you just run out of second chances.
shit.
i guess its true--only when you lose someone then you realise how much they really meant to you.
words can't heal the hurt, can't fix whats broken and words don't even have the power to change a bit of it, for better or worse.
but still...im sorry.
im so sorry.
if i could take back everything i did i would.
if i could take back all the times i hurt you and all the things i said that i didnt mean and all the times i took you for granted...
no matter what the consequences, i would.
and i know no matter what you tell me now, the past is still the past and it'll never change. and every time it comes down to you and me that shadow of that mistake i made will always be there.
and i know somewhere inside you, somethings changed. and i wont have the second chance to change it back.
to change things back to the way they were.
and now at the end of everything...
i should have known better. i wouldnt have done it, if only i knew--
yet i knew and i went ahead and did it anyway.
i shouldnt have.
in my right mind i wouldnt have.
because id never want to do that to you.
but like it says, shoulda-woulda-coulda are the last words of a fool.
13:43
3.1.05
im not broken because she lies at the present, but because its at the present that she lies about the past.
and i dont hate myself because i lied to him in the past.
i hate myself because its in the present that i told him the truth about the past that hurt him more than a lie would have.
and yet telling him truth was the only option because when you really care for and love someone--you can never lie to them.
i just wish i could lie to myself and pretend it didnt happen.
lie about the past, that it didn't happen.
lie about the present, that it isnt happening.
and lie about the future and hope it never comes.
22:51
[[FUCK...not again.]]
and just when i thought i was over her.
im back where i started.
someone tell me this isnt happening because this shit has got to stop.
it defies all reason and logic to waste my tears, my time and my heart on someone who doesn't treasure it.
and yet i still do...
after all this time you'd think i have learnt my lesson. but i guess some things dont change.
its crazy how the more you want to forget someone, the more you remember...
the more that person walks away, the more you run after...
the more you want to hate the person, the more you fall in love all over again...
the more i try, the more im reminded that its useless.
because she took the biggest part of my heart and left me with nothing.
22:11
2.1.05
[[not again]]
i will not let her get to me.
i will not let her get to me.
i will not let her get to me.
i will NOT let the fact that the bloody -beep- is head over heels in love [or should i say in crush] with someone who is NOT me, even though that whoever doesn't give the tiniest -beep- about her and i could give all the -beep- in the -beep-ing world, get to me.
its pretty hopeless isnt it.
...yeah. it is.
great. now im talking to myself.
-beep-.
19:18
[[second chances.]]
happy 2005.
nyeh.
-violins playing. ...okay actually the midi on my web is good enough.-
here we go again.
another 365 days of boring life--
aaand im gonna rawk each and every second of it.
because as boring as it is that's as good as it gets so whyyy waste time moping around and making it worse yeah?
lol. talk about cynical optimism.
so. new year's resolution?
to not make any more resolutions because i never keep em'.
ahaha.
okay. seriously.
1. stay straight. [...at least for as long as possible.]
2. get over a certain someone.
3. quit smoking. [for real this time.]
4. quit crapping [too much.]
5.be a good girl and get things straight [ahaha. straight. --okay, not funny.] with God.
6. try to stop burping so loudly in front of everyone [especially babiii] after every sip i take of a beverage.
7. i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not screw up this year i will not...
plenty of resolutions. but i better make more, because im bound to break some of em'.
i just broke 2 today. broke number 6 at lunch, and broke number 4 about a while ago.
[over msn]
duck: camel attack...wan mi to write tis
me: what camel attack
duck: hahaha
me: i kick u with my hind leg then u know
duck: lolx
me: i squish u with my hump sia
duck: come and catch mi first
me: camel can run faster than duck la
duck: nanny nanny poo poo...u cannot catch mi
me: i poo on u then u know
duck: haha...come lor
me: -runs after bebek n poos on her- ...muahaha
duck: wahahaha...i will shake my butt on ya
me: wahhh i sooo scared...i help u fly properly u want
duck: no thanx
me: -kicks bebek- ...eh look fly like rocket liddat
duck: blast u ar
me: hahaha...blasting duck
CAMEL POWERRRR.
whoohoo yeahhhh man.
...you see.
ahaha.
but that felt damn good, haven't done that in ages.
well, new year. a second chance at getting things right.
good thing that theres always a second chance with God. and a second second chance. aaaand a second second second chance. aaand a sec--
you get the idea.
i dont really recall how many second second second second second chances ive had. but its enough to make me sick of myself.
though on the other hand i'll sort of miss being lazy and irresponsible.
so this year i'll just be as bad as a good girl can get.
18:05
