28.2.05
14 hours to 2pm.
14 hours to collect my
O level results.14 tiny, ittybitty hours to the
end of my life.
i want to
scream.
on second thoughts, i want to
scream; kick and punch something/someone; break down; cry; faint; go comatose and DIE.
in rapid succession. in that order. all within the span of
one minute.
ACK. to all my people reading this [especially the 88ers].
--i love you; im gonna die.
00:11
26.2.05
"what is love, but an arrow to pierce the heart of the one who loves?
what is love but the sweetest pain;the greatest comfort in pain--and the cause of pain itself.
love, then, is a lie that i have always called the truth;
a paradoxical battle that i have fought, the same battle that still i am fighting, and the battle that i will always have to fight;
but never win.
why then, do i keep on fighting a losing war within myself?
what for, what great and worthy cause?
what would merit such deep, painful wounds that come to nothing?
ask the people in ages past who fought and died for love.
ask the people who put aside their only joy in life for the joy of the one they loved.
ask them why they fought so long and hard, knowing in the end it would be futile.
we did it for your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your voice.
we fought it with everything we had for everything we had, and for everything we never would have but dreamed of having.
and even when those dreams crumbled fell into dust...i kept on hoping, kept on praying, kept on hoping.and i kept on fighting.
i did it for you.
i do it because i love you.
i do it for love."
i don't want to care.
i don't want to care about you, about this, about anyone; ever again.
i don't want to care, pretend i don't care, but in the end i still care and i know inside i always will.
it's as if im back to the time before anything had really started; there was only the way i felt for you, and at that time, i too; cared but didn't want to care for you, tried to pretend i didn't care for you, but in the end, till now, a year later, i still do.
maybe it would have been better if i never found out, if you never knew.
now all im left with is playing pretend.
pretending i dont care and this doesn't hurt one bit.
pretending i have the power to stop the world and get off.
pretending its as if i can freeze-frame time before reality hits and everything crumbles back into nothing.
pretending its as if i died the moment i knew our time was up; living as if im dead. dead to emotion, to feeling, to life itself.
he muerto a la vida, pero existo.y a partir de este momento, existo solamente.el mundo que sabia ha muerto con mi; y ahora todo el se deja que son las sombras de cosas que i amo una vez; pero no mas.dead people don't feel, dead people don't love.
and as a results the dead cannot hurt, regret, or cry.
nothing matters anymore.
its pretty hard to be alone in a room full of people, in a world struggling with overpopulation, but i am.
and being alone in the world is so much easier than not.
because when someone cares for you, or when you care for someone, its the heaviest responsibility to have.
and now that you're gone i see no use in trying.
from now on, im on my own.
when haven't i been?
like i told you, "in life, you're meant to always walk alone. because no matter who comes along, who you love or who you trust, sooner or later, they will all leave, and the only person you have in the end is yourself."
you denied that so many times that i almost denied it too. im glad didnt, cause now i see i was right.
i won't give half of my heart to another person when the other half belongs to you. that would be cheating.
i won't cheat on him, and i won't cheat on myself.
so keep it; i dont want it back.
you can even have the other half, if you want, though im already giving it to you, piece by painful piece every single day.
cause its the only thing you'll have to remember the person i once was by.
im not living anymore, i only exist; in denial of my soul.
kristy gammell.
1988-2005.
"que necesito; y lo que creo adentro--estan los mundos aparte.
ella tomo mi lugar. ...ahora no estara mucho antes usted se olvida de mi nombre.
pero si usted piensa en mi, recuerde: mori para el amor.
what i need; and what i believe--are worlds apart."
12:30
24.2.05
downpour on my soul;
splashing in the ocean,
im losing control.
dark sky all around--
i can't feel my feet touching the ground.
but if i can't swim after 40 days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
lift me up so high that i cannot fall,
lift me up.
lift me up; when im falling
lift me up; im weak and im dying
lift me up; i need you to hold me
lift me up; keep me from drowning again.
--flood; jars of clay.
i can rise to any challenge, and i know inside im strong enough to take on and conquer any task set to it.
i can come through anything that life throws at me--
but i will never win the age-old battle of love.
and the only person i can never conquer, never control, never defeat-- is me.
soy mi propio enemigo el mas grande. yet what am i doing now; fighting my emotions when i know it's futile?
every stab i take at the part of me that still loves you is a stab to my own heart. every desperate effort, every move to defeat that other self that im trying to deny ends up in nothing but me defeating myself.
after all, i am fighting no other person but me.
you'd think it'd be easy, for no one knows me better than me.
know your enemy, right?
but no one is more similar, more exactly alike me than me.
its like fighting fire with fire, fuerza igual contra fuerza, and the only result of that is that that equal strength, that fire, will fade and burn out, till in the end nothing's left, nothing but ashes of what once was but no longer is.
just like the shadow of us; the dream of what could have been but no longer can.
it's that same shadow im fighting, the shadow of that dream that i held onto for so long.
trying to fight against myself and argue that it's dead, over and gone and nothing will bring it back, ever.
but im fighting me back because i know that it still lives on, and forever will, in me.
"cual es amor; pero una flecha para perforar el corazon de el quienes aman?
cual es amor pero el dolor mas dulce;
la comodidad mas grande del dolor--
y la causa del dolor si mismo.
ame, entonces, es una mentira que he llamado siempre la verdad;
una batalla paradojica que he luchado, la misma batalla que todavia estoy luchando, y la batalla que tendre que siempre luchar;
pero nunca triunfo.
porque entonces, lo hago guarde en luchar una guerra perdidosa dentro de me?
para que, que causa grande y digna?
que mereceria tales heridas profundas, dolorosas que vienen nada?
pregunte a gente en edades mas alla de quian lucho y murio por amor.
pregunte a gente que pone a un lado su solamente alegria en vida para la felicidad de su amo uno.
pregunte a Dios porque el hizo lo que el hizo en la cruz.
pidalos porque lucharon tan de largo y dificilmente, sabiendo en el extremo que seria vano.
lo hicimos para su sonrisa, su risa, sus ojos, su voz.
lo luchamos con todo teniamos para todo que teniamos, y para todo nunca tendriamos pero sonariamos siempre con tener.
e incluso cuando esos suenos desmenuzados bajaron en el polvo...
guarde en esperar, guardado en la rogacion, guardada en esperar.
y guarde en luchar.
lo hice para usted.
lo hago porque te quiero.
--kristy gammell.
15:32
22.2.05
someone remarked to me today [after cursing aloud in the office and getting a death glare from our super] that instead of words like bloody and hell and f**k and ass and screw and all, the names of problematic politicians and celebrities and especially software [like my current company's britneyspeared-database] would make a better vocabulary.
lemme see... so instead of going:
"oh bloody hell! what an ass. you really f**ked that up.", that would be:
"oh Microsoft! what a Bush. you really Clintoned that up."
...
oookay, that was just weird.
anyway my parents really aren't going to get me a phone line.
because its "too expensive" and they dont want me to "over use" the phone.
which means im stuck with this
jodido prepaid card which costs me like, 18 bucks a week.
que puta mierda.
the more i work at my job the more boring it gets.
bleah.
its
DATA ENTRY and ADMIN for gosh' sakes. how interesting can tapping on a keyboard and
hello-good-afternoon-RBC-ministries-oh-i-see-please-hold-OY-GEORGINA-GET-LINE-2-*click* get?
not to mention, results are coming out on the 28th, i think.
the results which will determine the rest of my future.
oy asi que puta nervioso. im so shit nervous, it's killing me.
i'll fess' up.
i hardly studied a shit.
only started hitting the books two weeks before the exams.
i have slaughtered my entire life under the academic knife.
and i will end up picking banana skins and dead leaves off the streets of singapore.
...mierda. mierda, mierda, puta mierda.i am so dead.
and if you're wondering why im using so much of
la lengua espanola in my blog, no, im not trying to be a poseur spaniard.
its just because i like the language, and just because i CAN.
blah, so there.
oh and Babel Fish Translation Program is a neat little toy too. hahas.
[what, you think i can
reeeally type in spanish all by myself?]
anyway i have to go for a jog in the park now.
i have to lose weight in time for poly.
...if im even going to poly.
oh and by the way, while rifling through my company's database today filling in subscriptions and member forms, my colleague found something
muy interesting.
amazing fact #1: all the members of the band 5566 subscribe to ODB [which is Our Daily Bread, a christian devotional guide.]
amazing fact #2: i am not the only kristy in singapore whose kristy is spelt K-R-I-S-T-Y. cool huh? [okay, maybe not.]
16:38
20.2.05
+:.[[good girl gone bad]].:+
it was only when i lost you that i got myself back.okay, not really.im just saying that to make myself feel better. i'll put my cards on the table.im so friggin' sick of racking my brains to come up with some toned-down subtle between-the-lines paraphrasing.im still here, still loving you, still missing you like shit and still left unrequited waiting on some hopeless cause.if you dont like the way i am now that i've changed for the better, maybe i should just go back to being the way i was before i changed.at least you liked me then. and even if that's not gonna help and things are really, really never going to be back to the way they were, ever-- [though currently im in a state of denial of that possibility which is extremely liable but whatever. i'll just lie to myself in order to keep me from launching my sorry ass off a building.] im still going back to how it was before this happened. before everything started fell apart, before i screwed up, before the problems started coming, before i first found out that you liked me too--back to before you rushed the back door and invaded my life. i have to get me back.this; the good part of me, tame part of me--this was brought back to the surface because of you. this was FOR you.
you never were the kind of guy i'd thought i'd fall for. because i guess some part of me knew that a guy like you, in the end, would never want to keep a girl like me.but you just had to go and win my heart, my trust, my loyalty...and i thought i had yours too.i thought that maybe, for once, this was something real, something reliable, something good; cause the guy in question wasnt one my usual dangerous bad-boy-stereotyped mutts, this guy was you. you're different from them.i killed myself changing everything that i was just so i could be good enough for you.but i guess even my best will never be good enough. you are everything i want but never dare to dream of, or loving, or even of you loving me back; because of what you are. you're up THERE. and me...well. im down here.now that you've proved me right...if my best will never get you back, im not going to keep trying. why fight a losing battle? i give up. and this time, you aren't here to tell me not to.sooner or later i'll have to come to terms with the fact that i dont belong in your league.i'll let you go if that's what you want from me. i dont blame you; anyway if i did i'd most probably be heaping abuse on you instead of telling you i still love you. yeah, i know what you're thinking.this is sick, twisted logic and i seriously need a brainwash.i agree.but you know what? in my own sick, twisted way this part of me is calling to you, begging you to see and understand...going back to the way i was before, just to deny you so i can't feel the pain. telling the biggest lie ever, to myself.because going back to that means denying everything ive discovered and come to know and love, leaving behind the strength to fight and the courage to go on, forgetting how to dream and hope and really, really laugh, and everything you helped me to find in myself, leaving behind the only part in my life when i felt i really was worth something...in my denial of everything i feel, look beyond that.i cant find the words to tell it to you, you'll have to read my actions. but i hope one day, you'll see it the way i do, that you'll understand, and that'll maybe you'll come to know the reason why. that's all i want now.
but for the moment, until then...
guys and girls,
the bad girl's back.
--you leave me with no choice, i have to leave you behind.
--never look back.
--just keep walking.
--because i know i can.
12:17
15.2.05
remember that for every laugh i offer; there is a tear that i cried for you.
remember for every second i pretend i don't care; my heart breaks because of you.
remember, that every time i smile at you, i die inside.
and remember that nothing; nothing and no one will ever change the way i feel or fill this space.
nothing and no one but you.
...It's amazing How you make your face just like a wall How you take your heart and turn it off How I turn my head and lose it all It's unnerving How just one move puts me by myself There you go just trusting someone else Now I know I put us both through hell I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on I just didn't wanna let it get away from me But if that's how it's gonna leave Straight out from underneath Then we'll see who's sorry now If that's how it's gonna stand, when You know you've been depending on The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out It's aggravating How you threw me on and you tore me out How your good intentions turn to doubt The way you needed time to sort it out I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on I just couldn't ever let you get away from me But if that's how you're gonna leave Straight out from underneath Then we'll see who's sorry now If that's how it's gonna stand, when You know you've been depending on The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me But if that's how you're gonna leave Straight out from underneath Then we'll see who's sorry now If that's how it's gonna stand, when You know you've been depending on The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out Yeah wellTell me is that how it's going to end When you know you've been depending on The one you're leaving now And the one you're leaving out The one you're leaving now The one you're leaving out-----matchbox 20; leave.
18:48
9.2.05
before all is lost; i want you to know-- remember that for every laugh i offer; there is a tear that i cried for you.remember for every second i pretend i don't care; my heart breaks because of you.remember, that every time i smile at you, i die inside. and remember that nothing; nothing and no one will ever change the way i feel or can heal this heart again or fill this space; nothing and no one but you.
love, and life.
its nothing but near misses; lost chances; mistakes.
broken dreams.
dreams that you held on to in the dark when all other lights went out.
stillframes and memories in your mind; crystallized, sacred and frozen forever in time.
things that you envisioned and thought would come to pass; but in the end; they never came.
things that you built your world around only to watch them crumble and fall.
shadows of things that could have been; but no longer are. being 25 minutes too late.
when a second can change a lifetime.
dying wishes.
flickering, fickle human emotion.
still, you do the best with what you have.
because you can never stop the world when you want to get off. life.
this...
its all you got.
there is no other option, no middle ground.and there are those who said this day would never come.
...walk on.
[[...and maybe; they won't find out what i know--you were the last good thing i ever had.]]
23:37
3.2.05
+:.[[i have NO life.]].:+ as predicted, my life as i know it has been laid to rest and is currently rotting in peace in its grave.
my schedule every day:
7am: wake up.
7.30am: eat breakfast.
8am: shower and dress for work.
8.30am: go to work.
9:30am: reach RBC for work.
2.30pm: leave for home.
3.30pm: eat lunch.
4pm: shower and wear the Tiger uniform shirt thingy.
5pm: reach workplace.
7pm: dinner break.
8pm: continue working till 10.30pm.
10.30pm: knock off.
11pm: reach home.
11.30pm: QT.
12am: sleep.
im so tired.
and i've fallen sick with a cold.
again.
i feel stretched.
like too little butter spread over too much bread.
my muscles are aching from climbing up and down ladders carrying cardboard boxes of letters mail and deliveries and shifting mountains of Tiger beer and Guinness all day.
and my eyelids are so heavy i can hardly open them. and i think my eyebags are going to be permanent.
by the end of the day i barely have enough energy to drag myself home. ...LOL, im sounding like a friggin POW.
aiight, i'll cut the sob story.
i just hope this won't take a permanent toll on me...
10:33
