29.3.05
The Rebel You scored 56 Tara's Art points! |
You are The Rebel: Congratulations. I consider you to be the most down-to-earth type of person. You know what's going on in the world, you realize society's good sides and all of the flaws, but you still have a lot of fun. Unlike the Laid Back types, you have very strong opinions on things...But unlike the Mature types, you don't adhere yourself to a single political party's notions. You know when it's best to lead and when it's better to let someone else take over. And that's what makes you a Rebel. The pastel below is an attempt to describe your particular situation: As a Rebel, you like to have fun. That much is a given. Sometimes your fun can lead you to dangerous situations. You're not always clear which way the road ahead of you will turn, but (much like a race car driver) you're prepared to handle it. Hey - if you liked my art, you can see the whole kit n' kaboodle at my DeviantArt page. Sláinte! |
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13:48
25.3.05
i've been wanting to get this off my chest for quite a while already...i've never found the words for it...i don't think i ever will find the words...but this is the closest i can get...i think.
forget about fancy analogies and anecdotes or nice phrasing...
i can't believe i hated you so much when you left.
well, not really LEFT, you're still here, you always have been...we're still friends, and we were never more than that--but somehow when it ended it hurt ever so much more...
shock, sadness, anger at you, anger at myself, denial...i guess i never expected it to turn out like that...i'm a dreamer, not with my head but with my heart...maybe i dreamt and hoped for too much, gave too much...thats always been the stupid problem with me...
but i was so mad at you, for those few moments.
what went through my mind...like, this isn't happening...shock...then the tears came...and after days of crying, i began to ask things like, why this, why now, why me...
the things i called you, the things i told myself...that you betrayed me...that you lied...
you taught me how to stand just to watch me fall...you helped me find the strength in myself just to see me crumble in front of you...you built me up to break me down...you helped bring me out of the darkness in my life into the light, only to turn out the lights on me and walk away...
i was so angry, i felt so betrayed...
i told myself i couldnt have cared less if it was anyone else, anyone else and i'd expect it, but not from you. and yet...
then anger became something like hate... maybe it isn't really hate, i know now in my heart i can never, NEVER hate you...
and that 'hate' drove me to find something, someone to replace you in my life, to try and fill up the empty space...but after trying i realised that i was only lying to myself because nothing i did could make me feel any better, and taking it out on you, on myself, on other people was useless and immature...
to find that subsitute for you, it was all a lie, full of lies...i had to lie to others, lie to you, and hardest of all to lie to myself and say this was enough to make up for it.
and everytime i remembered things from the past, everytime someone mentioned a single word it'd trigger off a big chain reaction...everytime i heard that BLOODYSHITSTUPID song 'only one' from my cd... ESPECIALLY that stupid song because i told me right to my face the truth i knew in my heart...the truth that i was trying to lock away or preferably smother and kill.
it only made the hole bigger...and it made me realise things...and face up to reality...
i wasn't getting anywhere by hurting myself to get back at you. and playing subsitutes is SO darn "third-grade". it was just plain stupid.
i couldn't lie to myself that i dont care about you, that i dont need you, that im perfectly fine without you...
and do stupid things like act cold toward you and either totally ignore you or say a 'hi' back to you and go back to pretending youre invisible...
when you left, when i lost you, i found myself.
i've said this before.
i told myself then when i lost you, i found myself, the old me, the me that you helped me do away with and change...but all along that was a lie, a big lie to myself, i just couldnt face up to it yet...i see it now though...
it was just me deliberately trying to be a 'bad girl', hurting myself to hurt you. the motives behind it. childish revenge, trying to fight back when theres no need to and no one to fight...
these past weeks, almost a month plus i think...it's been so dark for me. and its been so hard, i've never felt more alone...
but its always darkest before the dawn.
because of this, without you...i had to learn to stand up on my own.
to fight for myself, to be independent, to face up to and conquer the thing i feared the most--to look myself in the eye and see who i really am...what im really doing, to not try to reason with myself to soften the facts...
to just face me.
and you know what?
this isn't me.
this person that's always fighting for the wrong stuff, fighting against myself, rebelling in an endless circle that gets me nowhere...this person with the negative thoughts and beating myself up and knowingly doing things to hurt myself...
this isn't me. it's me, but not to me that i want to be, and not the me that God made me out to be.
this is just the shadow of myself, the flipside of what i really am.
i don't want to be the person who lies, drinks, smokes, steals, plays around with people's feelings and runs through a list of boys faster than the speed of light...i don't want to be that girl who's trying to act bad, just to cover up things.
i want to the person that i was when you were here.
i changed for you, but now looking back, it wasn't only for you.
i did it for me too, for what was right, for what i shouldve done a long time ago, and for God.
and i want to go on being that person that can hold her head high, that has the strength to walk on and keep on fighting no matter what because im doing what's right.
i want to be the person that believes in myself, that can dream, hope, live, and love. i want to be the person that can keep smiling no matter what.
i want to be someone God will be proud of.
someone you will be proud of.
someone I'LL be proud of.
you knew it all along, i think. but you couldn't MAKE me believe it or fight it.
i had to do this on my own.
i had to face myself and fight myself, this shadow side of me, alone because no one else can do it for me.
and im not going to look at myself from the other side of the mirror anymore.
im going to be who i was made to be.
the person that God knew i was all along, and hopefully...the person that you saw in me.
not what i was, but what i could be. i think you knew.
i hope you knew.
you're so much more sensible than me, anyway.
it's ended for now...but even so...
im not over it, it still hurts like hell.
and im not over you.
in the future, maybe, who knows?
but in whatever end, you'll always be my friend. and always be the person who believed in me even when i didnt believe in myself.
maybe you didnt see any of this.
it was all God's hand after all.
i dont know how he does it but he is SO amazing.
He's such a genius and im so jealous of him cos everytime i figure something out i realise he knew it before me but oh well thats God for you.
but even if you didnt see any of this--thanks anyway.
thank you, for
everything.sound familiar?
thanks for waving to me in church the first few times when i didnt even know what your name was. thanks for being my friend. thanks for accepting me the way i am. thanks for helping me believe in myself. thanks for standing by me through the hard times. thanks for NEVER letting me down. thanks for keeping my secrets and being someone who i could tell them to. thanks for giving me your trust. thanks for loving me. thanks for showing me, gently, slowly and in your own way, how to find the real person inside myself, behind and past the defences fakes and lies. thanks for all those second chances.
thanks for pulling away. thanks for the hurt, thanks for leaving. thanks for being sensible enough. thanks for making me cry.
and along with God's strength, thanks for giving me a reason and the will to fight and defeat the person i thought i never could; me.
thanks for everything, for all the good and the bad.
i mean it.
you're still the best present God's given to me, maybe you'll always be.
but i'll break it down.
it's like training to ride a bike.
you helped me believe in me, showed me that i was someone of worth, good enough.
then you helped me find the strength in myself and showed me that i had the capability to break free and break out of my handicapped view of life and the things about me that didnt please God.
i thought i could do it, but i thought it was because of you. and ONLY because of you.
then you took away the training wheels.
and for a moment things went back to the way they were before, the bad stuff started coming back and i was back to square one.
but this time you weren't there.
and after a time of wallowing in self pity, sorrow and anger and hitting rock bottom, i had no other option but to try.
you told me i could do it.
and you told me that the person i was acting like really wasn't me. i knew it too, i just couldnt admit it. but now i had to. i was forced by circumstances to swallow my pride and face up to it.
and now that i finally did, i realise: it's not because of who i have with me, cause i didnt turn to you this time.
its not because of me, because i've tried by myself enough times to know.
its because of God.
PLUS you, your silent support and the things you told me before and now, and PLUS me, my determination and will to do this.
i've learnt this the hard way.
this has been the hardest lesson for me, ever.
but im glad i've learnt it.
forgive me.
i made so many mistakes.
im sorry for what i did that hurt you.
im sorry for all the things i told you after "it ended"...it was mostly lies, me hiding from the truth.
im sorry for treating you coldly.
im sorry for everything i said, the way i acted all the time and the things i told you that i didn't mean.
i really am sorry. forgive me--can't we start over?
i can't see the future-- i don't know...
i dont deny that i ask questions like, will i ever fall for anyone again, will the next person i start something with still be you...will the person you still love a few years down be me again, where do i go from here, where does my life lead and what am i supposed to do with what i have now...
its a lot to think about.
i do think about it, but i'll never worry.
my future is in His hands.
and in the future, i hope you'll still be there. but whether you are or not...i'll keep walking with God, trusting in God, praising God in both my good times and my dark times, because once again He's proven to me that everything has a reason, and every why will have an answer, one day.
He's the one, in the big picture and in the end of it all, who helped me believe again, and remember...
you're in a big part of it.
thank you for EVERYTHING. =)
i started that prayer with the words, "Father, help me, I..."
and then i got stuck.
my life was in a mess.
i didn't know what i wanted, but He knew exactly what i needed.
i didn't think anyone could ever understand, but He understood.
i didn't know how much more i could take, but He knew exactly what it would take.
i didn't think i could find someone who would take me as i am, but He knew exactly who had what it took.
i didn't know what i came to ask for, but He gave it to me without me asking.
and He sent me you.
you're what i never knew i needed, what i never asked for, the one i least expected but the one i got.
and you've been the answer to the equation; because now i see that you were just what i needed, just what i asked for, and you've been the best friend ever to me.
isn't God just amazing?
17:50
17.3.05
a picture can say a thousand words.
but it never means those thousand words speak the truth.
a smile can hide years of pain.
a second of laughter can hide months worth of tears.
in snapshots people command you, "smile! im not wasting precious film on sour faces".
so you pull a plastic one.
but what goes on behind those smiles? the ones when nobody's looking. when you think nobody knows--
just because you dont see it, it doesn't mean its not there.
layer under layer of defences, the fake things you put up just so how you feel will never show through.
the drastic measures i've taken to make people believe the lie is real--im beginning to think i never should have.
human feelings, no matter how fickle or hurtful, aren't pawns in my game to survive the checkmate.
im trying to make it right, but its too late now.
thats why im trying to tell you here. to make it better if i can't erase what i've done. its a lie, its all a lie and im a bloody liar.
what you see on the outside is never what i feel.
read between the lines of my life story. dont look at me, look at the person in the mirror. not at my words, not at my actions, the reasons behind them.
what pushes me to do what i do and make myself into who i am not--
you see i love, but not because i love.
you see i lie, but not because i despise the truth.
never take things at the surface value.
it goes so much deeper than that.
if only you knew--if only you could see through this facade and find the feelings behind it...
im sorry.
help me..
i don't believe in faithfulness and i dont believe in forever. i dont believe in security and i dont believe in truth. i dont believe in selfless sacrifice and i dont believe in hope.
i dont believe in dreams.
i don't believe in love anymore--
im sorry.
i dont think im the one you're looking for.
not that i wouldnt do all this.
i have a sense of faithfulness and of security and truth and sacrifice and hope.
but
they have no sense of
me.
im an emotional semi-atheist.
yes, i believe such things do exist.
and i am capable of doing such things.
but they don't exist for me.
--i can have real love for someone, but no person ever has real love for me.
stay away from it all is the best option.
my heart has taken the last pounding it could survive.
stay detached.
relationships, regardless of romantic or platonic, with people whom i feel nothing or little for, maybe. that way i'll never have to hurt.
relationships with a person who means the world to me--never.
understand that and you'll understand the reasons for my fake smiles, empty words and undriven actions.
for you i'd be faithful forever, i'd sacrifice, i'd hope, i'd dream.
but i'll never trust my heart again, it lies to me too much.
12:13
11.3.05
hurt. hate. lies. guilt. alone. confusion. loss. need. alone. rejected. outcast. alone. broken. searching. lost. trapped. alone. breakdown. escape. rustmetal. coldknife. warmskin. brace. shutyoureyes. presshard. harderharder. wince. feeling. cutawayfeeling. noemotion. oneway. cut. digin. drinkdeep. slashslashslash. slowdrips. purestred. paintingthefloor. slashslashslashslash. watchitfallaway. drip. slowly. slowly. drip. longslowdrawnoutcrimsonorgasm. pain. pleasure. tears. blood. cutaway. leavebehind. escape. heal. run. leave. healing. false. noescape. toolate. runforever. truth. lies. confusion.
denial.
yeah.im just fine.
*i think im breaking out.im gonna leave you now.there's nothing here for me it's all the same.and even though i knowthat everything might godownhill from here...im not afraid.*way away, away from here i'll beway away, away so you can seehow it feels like to be aloneand not believeanything.*--yellowcard; way away. [[Father;give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,the strength to change what i can,and--the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people i may have to kill because they PISS. ME. OFF.]]
22:05
8.3.05
getting me back.
the me that i used to be, so long ago.
...i took the first step when i made a promise to myself.
and very soon i'll be taking the second.
irreversible.the step down a road of no return.no going back, no second guessing.NO second chance.big risk factor.
and with really
everything to lose.
like a bungee with a cord that you
know has only three frayed strands left in it.
am i sure?
no.
am i going to do it anyway?
hell, yeah.just like old times.
the bad girl's back home. to
stay.[someone tell me im not doing this.
cause it's not too late to turn back.]
the hell am i talking about.
turn back?
no way.
full speed ahead.
if there's an iceberg i'll ram into it and
smack it to outer space.
better yet--
iceberg?
what iceberg?
girl, let's rock this town.
im gonna show you how to
LIVE. *i am walking on a wire, tiptoeing through the fire, never looking downto see that--i am walking on a wire, and the pressure's getting higher.but i don't look around.it's so far to the ground. --third day[wire]wire
22:58
7.3.05
i want to complain.
im aching like hell after dance practice yesterday.
brings back all the fond old memories of class 4c1 2004's teacher's day dance practices and not being able to walk down the stairs or participate in PE or stand up to greet teachers.
im not kidding; it was that bad.
though i should be glad that i actually have a part in the easter musical.
though im dead sure that if my ministry wasn't the creative arts, i wouldn't even be a backstage hand.
things are pretty much picking up with me and those people in church so...i might give it one more shot.
not that im going to work hard to win favor or prove myself or anything; nah, im too lazy for that and i really can
not be bothered anymore.
i'll just sit in for the ride and see how things go along.
guess i can give church-hunting a rest for now.
im so not looking forward to work tomorrow. after a week of rest and getting up at 2-4pm in the afternoon, my lazy ass isnt used to waking up roughly 6 hours earlier.
oh well. all for the love of money.
bought a new CD, third day's latest album, WIRE. its really not bad. im pretty addicted to it...well, at least till i get bored. but the guitar parts arent bad.
and i bought this awesome new journal too. i dont know what the hell i bought it for because i dont need it and i really dont know what to use it for.
i only bought it cause of the cool cover and the brass locket it has on it.
well money's for spending though.
hm.
im hungry. i need food.
21:58
3.3.05
>>systems scan<<scanning program:-ThoughtsEx.05, Kristy Inc.
......system error>>initiating system shutdown...5..4..3..
>>shutdown intercepted.:-system error. ignore? [Y/N]:-Y
>>uploading from ThoughtsEx.05..99%
mode:- RANDOM.taking back tuesday; i can't forget, but i know you will. im sorry, but i don't regret it. i wish things were different, but i won't be the one to change them. i've made mistakes, and you are one of them. but you are the only mistake im glad i made. it was well worth it.
someday, maybe.
*you made a promise to stay by my side. and then one day you just pushed me aside. you never thought that a girl could be strong. but i'll show you how to go on. *
be my bad boy; be my bad--
be my weekend lover but don't be my friend. be my bad boy; but
understand--i don't want you back in my life again.
*cascada, bad boy.
went to the beach today.
cleared the remainder of my cigs and had to sit
downwind of JY cause' she can't stand the smell. i don't get her, i think it's nice.
revetahw. each to her own.
spent
an hour combing the beach for cockel and mussel shells, the small, coloured kind. thinking of making a necklace or something out of em', but first i have to sand them down a little and polish them. and figure out how to bore holes into them and string them up nicely.
they're soaking in Cetaphil solution now. i'd soak them in water, if not for that dried-up starfish i brought home too. kept poking at it with my cigg to check if it was
REALLY dead.
it didnt move so i took it home. but when i put it in water it became all
soft and spongy and i was so terrified it'd come back to life or something, like crawl outta the bucket and all over my bathroom and attach itself to something and start eating it.
so i put
soap in the water to
kill it.
if it isnt dead already.sadistic, i know. but i don't want it to
crawl on me in the
night and
suck my face off or something.
thanks to my
chocolate boy for the cigs, though.
though i shouldnt really be thanking him. i mean, i paid.
so thanks for
BUYING them, nick.
and this same
puta madre keeps telling me that since i dyed my hair red, im branded
an ah lian for life and he wants to stay far, far away from me.
after rooting through his phone and all his girlfriend's messages--
riiight, with all that talk i never thought you'd go date an ah lian girl with rebonded hair and that V sign in the neoprints who spells
"see" as "shee", "okay" as "okee" and "you" and "yoo [add as many Os as you like]."let me try to fix all of this into one sentence.
ahem.
"ohh i
sheeee.
okeee then, sh
eeee yooOoOooO."
-blink. blink.
-grin.
-severe laughter fit.uhm, no offence, babe, i still love you aiight? ^_^
jealous larh, that's why i diss your girl like crap.
LOL.
note to self: fix a day to meet up with nick for lunch and get him to buy more cigs for me.
note to nick:
i so do NOT smoke like an ah lian. you damn
KUMQUAT. and what the
HELL do you want for your
birthday present?
for the record, that girl, the one with the horrible,
horrible blog entry in broken english and french which
i nearly died laughing after reading [horrible but
very amusing, i gotta hand it to you girl.
never thought there'd be a person worse at using babelfish than me.] dissing bryan like there's no tomorrow--
she is a friggin'
-BLEEP-.words cannot describe it.
all i can say is,
grow UP.though bryan might be after my blood for calling you a
bitch and a
ungrateful, ungracious, immature little BRAT and a
bloody fuckin' -BLEEP- [no, i didn't say that to him, i'll just think it. i might have mentioned the word bitch though, sorry. uhh no, i don't mean it, im just saying that. i still think you're a
BITCH.] you dissed my friend with things that aren't even true.
really, how dirt cheap and low can you go?
bryan, even with all his faults and bad points, has his fair share of good points too.
every person has more good than bad. he's a
great person, has a
beautiful soul, with
a big heart and someone who, contrary to "popular belief", has
feelings.
not to mention,
insult one of your brothers-in-Christ and you insult Christ too.no need to paint him as some animalistic chauvinist with no heart or soul.
girl, i think you could make the necessary grammatical changes and
copy-paste the entire entry for your self-description on your Blogger profile.you're 15.
act your age, not your shoe size.hurt the people i care about and
DIE, biatch.
since he's totally anti-"me anti-ing you", when he finally forgets, i suggest you
watch your back cause' i'll be multiple-stabbing it.
have a movie date on tomorrow.
i have to get some sleep.
sleep without dreams,
i don't want to think about you.
>>upload complete.....:-virus detected.
22:57