29.4.05
love isn't just a candle; it can ignite the stars.
--but if love can ignite the stars, it'll light the sky on fire.
im watching it burn eternity into dust.
it isn't easy.
not that anyone ever said it would be.
but i know what i have to do, so fight on.
walking a thousand miles won't seem so hard if i just concentrate on putting on foot in front of the other.
step by step; i'll get there. i know i can.
and when i get there, and look back, i'll see how far i've come; it'll be all worth it.
hope's a lousy thing to pin your dreams on, and it's let me down before.
but at other times it can be the best reason to keep trying.
I have often dreamed Of a far off place Where a hero's welcome Would be waiting for me Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying This is where I'm meant to be I'll be there somedayI
can go the distance
I will find my way
If
I can be strong I know
every mile Will be worth my while When I go the distance I'll be right where I belong Down an unknown roadTo
embrace my fate Though that road may wander It will lead me to you And
a thousand yearsWould be worth the waitIt might take a lifetime But somehow I'll see it through And
I won't look backI can go the distanceAnd I'll stay on track
No,
I won't accept defeat It's an uphill slope But
I won't lose hope Till I go the distance
And
my journey is complete But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For
a hero's strength is measured by his heart Like a shooting star
I will go the distance I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far I can go the distanceTill I find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms
I will search the worldI will face it's harm Till I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms
14:55
27.4.05
was supposed to go kayaking with grace and ivan tomorrow?
but it got cancelled, last minute.
-sobs.
ohh well. grace promised me a raincheck on that, so i guess it's not so bad.
still...
-sobs.
-pause.
-*hysterical crying.*
anyway, here's part two of Doppelganger. hope y'all like it.
Doppelganger [Part Two]
Kaori flung herself at the door in a rage, beating it with her fists, kicking it, pushing, pulling, yelling dirty things at it that would have shrivelled Rasputin.
But that door, that stupid, bloody door was relentless; it stood solidly between Ethan and her.
Impenetrable.
And Ethan had been the one to shut it.
Just when she needed him the most, he'd left without looking back.
Why? was the only question that hung in Kaori's mind for those few moments.
There was only the silence to answer her.
"I
HATE you, Ethan!" She yelled through the stone, knowing he couldn't hear her, if he was still there at all. "Bloody
bastard, I
fucking HATE you and I wish I'd
never met you!"
She gave the door one last, defiant kick.
It was useless trying to get it to open.
It wasn't till she lifted a hand to sweep her hair out of her face that the wetness told her she'd been crying.
Her palms stung. She brought them away and looked. They were grazed and bloodied; she must have cut herself scrabbling at the door like a caged chipmunk.
She leant against the stone, which had sealed shut perfectly. She couldn't even find the doorway.
Reluctantly, she faced the mirror.
Afraid at first, then slowly becoming terrified as she stared into the void.
It was like staring into nothing, but at the same time, staring into something she vaguely remembered.
From her past? From a dream, maybe--or had she been here before?
She was starting to forget, and yet remember bits and pieces of things she'd long forgotten.
She remembered these stone walls.
Cold, unyielding, trapping her in them.
A stone cage.
The room was empty; it contained nothing but that mirror, which melted into the wall.
It could have been a place to create, a blank slate to begin a new thing on.
Or just the emptyness that was left after destruction, robbed of all that made it beautiful, and left with browned brick, cold stone and mortar.
That black mirror--it was still frightening, but strangely, it welcomed her.
Like an executioner who had prepared a sumptuous last meal for the condemned and was sitting down to enjoy it with the prisoner.
I know you, she thought, stepping slowly toward it.
Yes, I know you.
She could almost hear it calling to her, a Siren singing to a sailor at sea, luring her gently to her death.
She forced her feet to step forward, trying to pretend that that black thing wasn't there, wasn't there at all...
You do realise you're attempting to walk INTO a rather SOLID, HARD mirror? Her brain screamed at her.
Oh, shut up, she snapped back, a half-step away...
BONK."Ow." That hurt.
Told you so, stupid, her brain sniggered.
She stepped back, and tried to push it.
Nothing.
So it wasn't a door.
She poked it a few times.
Still nothing.
She walked over to the place where it melded with the wall, and tried to tug at it.
Nope. So it wasn't one of those flippy things.
She pulled out her sword, took a running step and rammed its hilt hard into the mirror.
It didn't break. Not even a scratch.
Fantasic technology we have nowadays, she thought cynically. Unbreakable glass.
Kaori sheathed the weapon and gave it a kick.
"Open sesame!" she barked in frustration.
Nothing.
Obviously.Maybe talking would work.
Yeah, right, wonderful, her brain scoffed.
First you try walking into a mirror, and now you're TALKING to an inanimate object. Real rocket scientist material, Kaori.But Kaori was all out of ideas.
"So how the
HECK am I supposed to fight, conquer and utterly
destroy you if you don't let me in?" She snarled at the blackness.
No answer.
Obviously.
"Look, I know
nobody likes to be
conquered and
utterly destroyed, and I don't like being stuck in here with
you. Just open up so I can kill you, go find Ethan, kill him for locking me in here, and then get home and get some sleep, okay?"
She raised a fist to batter the mirror when--it happened.
The solid glass of the mirror was melting, and changing.
It was moving now; like a black mass of water, waves rippling through it.
Like a pool, only set the wrong way.
Kaori began to wonder if she was actually standing on the wall, and the big, black pool was really meant to be the floor.
She didn't want to go into that black, moving mass--but it was as if something else inside was driving her, a part that knew whatever was inside it had to be destroyed, and was moving in to do it.
Yeah, sure.
Coming here, all this way, because of an old Seer geezer whose hopelessly, ambigously
vague pro-
fucking-phecy everyone seemed to think was
so VERY IMPORTANT; on nothing but bread, water, assorted dead animals and determination--not exactly good reasons for risking her
life.
"Here goes," she muttered to herself, placing her hand on the hilt of her sword.
Looking the darkness in its face, she stepped through.
Her first few, tentative footsteps echoed as if she was standing in a cathedral.
She couldn't see a thing.
Slowly, the blackness began to clear, like a fog lifting.
She could see her hands, still a little bloody; then her feet, and soon she could see her surroundings as the blackish smoke-fog dissipated.
She was standing in a black place.
A
HUGE black place.
The floor, which looked exactly like the black mirror she'd just walked through, seemed to melt into invisible walls, and the ceiling--if it was a ceiling, anyway, melted into the floor.
She couldn't tell if she was standing in a dome, a cube or a sphere.
And there was that
FEELING.
It came slowly at first, a unknown feeling, then slowly it grew as if it was coming
from her, and grew from inside out until she could finally put a name to it.
Fear.
Irrepressible, blind, insane fear.
It filled her to the very centre of her soul, no part of her could hide from it.
She wanted to run and hide; but there was nowhere to go.
She tried to scream, but no sound came out.
She felt cornered by it, on all sides; with no refuge, and the only escape would be to--
Kaori was barely aware of her shaking hands drawing her sword, lifting it to her own throat...
Then it went away without warning, like a hungry lion beating a hasty retreat when confronted by a much greater power than its own.
A sultry voice spoke into her ear from behind.
"Well,
hel-lo, babes. I've been waiting."
21:25
25.4.05
wrote this for part of a story that i'm trying [Note: TRYING] to write.
it's not all there yet, but so far i've gotten as far as part three of Doppelganger. that's not the real name, just a title for this part of the story, since it's about a Kaori's doppelganger.
and it's set in like futuristic but socially medival times, just in case you're wondering why the people use weird things like swords and axes and arrows when an AK-47 would do just fine.
Doppelganger [Part One]Kaori pressed her fingers against the smooth surface. It was ice-cold.
She stepped back.
It could have been a mirror, if not for the fact that it ran across the entire wall of the room, sixty feet wide and sixty-six feet tall.
And there was no reflection in it.
Only deep, inky blackness.
"Ethan?" Kaori's voice shook with indecision. "I don't think..."
He cut her off with a gentle grin. "Don't worry. I've seen you deal with worse."
She looked back at the mirror. She didn't know what was beyond it, behind it; in it. All she knew is that she didn't want to go in there. But as if it had a voice, it was calling her; as if it was alive. She couldn't take her eyes off it.
"Do I...Do I have to?" she stammered, trying to focus her thoughts.
He didn't reply.
"I don't want to do this." She said, half to herself.
Leaning forward, Kaori stretched her fingers out to it, but not touching. Then she jerked her hand back, as if the mirror had snarled like a caged animal and nipped it.
"No...I don't...I'm not going to.
I won't."
Kaori made as if to turn and run out of the darkened room, but she didn't move her feet an inch.
Ethan didn't say a word. He just kept looking steadily at her.
"
I can't." Kaori paused. "I
know I can't."
His gaze didn't waver. "But I know you can."
Tearing her eyes away from the mirror to meet his, she saw something in his look.
It made her think twice about wanting to get the hell away. Something about--something he knew; he knew that she c--then it was lost.
In its place, there was only a harsh fear.
"
Ethan, I CAN'T do this!" she shouted at him, as if he had been practically pushing her up against the mirror and trying to force her through.
His locked gaze drifted away, and he turned on his heel with a disappointed shrug.
"That's what you think." He said softly.
And he began to walk away.
"Er," Kaori said, "Where are you going?"
He didn't reply, and the uncomfortable silence grew with each step he took.
When he reached the stone doorway, he paused, staring hard at the ground. "I have to leave you now."
"
Leave?" Kaori felt as if he'd given her a hard punch in the gut. "But--"
She left her silent plea hanging unspoken between them; the one he'd always heard.
But I can't do this without you.He stepped through the doorway.
"I'm sorry." Was that sadness in his voice? "I'm sorry; but you have to."
He pulled on the metal axe he'd propped between the floor and the stone door to keep it from closing earlier, and the door slammed down hard.
Realization hit Kaori with the force of a tidal wave.
He'd shut her in.
With no way out.
With that awful black mirror.
Alone.
___________________________
haha. that's all for now. lazy to put up more--tell me what u think of it, and if you think it's good enough i'll put up part two. (:
21:15
24.4.05
just finished watching the show "the 5 people you meet in heaven".
it's an amazing show.
originally from a book, and the author's head must really have exploded trying to fit everything together.
it's about how you meet 5 people in heaven who explain your life to you, and why everything had to happen the way it did, and help you understand what you never understood in life.
and each of them had an important role to play in your life, and what happened changed the course of your life forever.
its cool how we're all part of another person's life, and everything we do, no matter how small, becomes something big in someone else's life story.
its scary too.
like they said in the show, "strangers are only part of your family that you have yet to meet."
anyway im hungry.
im gonna go finish off the tub of ice cream in the fridge.
nyaknyak.
18:16
20.4.05
...this still hurts.
owtch.
22:05
i swiped this off my friend's blog. [hee. thanks ivan. ^^]
it's not the whole thing, but mostly what really hit me.
"People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend too you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfill; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends..."
so i guess the million dollar question is, were you there for me for a reason or just a season..?
i'm afraid to know the million dollar answer.
though none of it is what i hoped it would be--and am still hoping, that you were sent here to me, for a lifetime.
but still-- ...
[[
im waitingfor the perfect time to call you backcos' i remember saying
don't wanna know the truthcan't handle thatand
i tried tojust forget youbut
i don't know howif only i knew
it's written all over your face
such a painful thing to waste
tell me now
where do we gonow
the future's not so cleari can't believe we've ended herewhere's the world that doesn't care
maybe i could meet you there
sadly, you got angry
and
it breaks my heartyou're so mad at me[i'm sorry] it's written all over your face
such a painful thing to waste
tell me now
where do we go[i'm sorry] now the future's not so clear
i can't believe we've ended here
where's the world that doesn't care
maybe i could meet you theremaybe--
i could meet you there
maybe
i should meet you there]]
anyway.
im now an official student of singapore poly.
blah.
life is NOT getting any better.
well at least, on the bright side--
friendship, peacefulness and absolutely no confusion, awkwardness or stress would be the direct opposite.
yay for opposites.
man this sucks.
i don't wanna be here.
the poly's so big it's scary.
and the people are so serious they're scary.
and the registration was a total mess and utterly confusing with seniors screwing up everything and ended up with me paying 10 bucks for i don't-even-know-what.
totally disorganized.
end result, i have to go for some stupid 2 day 1 night camp for the Design and Environmental Club [yucks] which i accidentally signed up for by mistake and i HATE going for camps where i don't know anyone.
especially camps where i dont even know what to bring, where to meet or what we're gonna do.
they have SUCH an efficient information system.
BLAH.
plus the ever abiding fact that im missing a certain someone like crap.
and regrets...
things are not good.
about to get worse, but whatever.
im gonna handle it.
the same way i handle a ultra-big, supersized, chocolate-fudge-covered, swimming in sherbet and whipped cream radioactively-altered monster-size banana split topped with 105 scoops of Gelare's vanilla ice cream.
stare at it, drool and think, DIET.
then throw it out the window and start eating apples.
20:11
17.4.05
when i'm all alone
here; chasing clouds across the sky
looking up at eternity
watching the world go by
i wish you were still here; i realise
i miss you.
i still need you by my side--
i miss you.
i wish i'd died at the waterfalls
when i dream of you, i cry
i really tried but i can't move on at all
so i'll let love pass me by--
we said someday, together, we'd watch the stars
now it doesn't look like we'll ever get that far;
i'm glad you told me all your dreams
just didn't know you'd build them without me.
still it never seems to fade
i miss you.
this world is an ugly place,
but you turn it into something beautiful.
firestorms cannot burn me,
the waves hold back their tide;
i can fight the thunder
when you're by my side--
because somehow when i had you
everything was alright...
i miss you.
16:34
12.4.05
if we had met in a different time, in a different place, we could have been; we could have stayed together.
if circumstances were different, things would have turned out better for us.
it would have worked out.
...do you believe that it's possible to meet the right person, at the wrong time and in the wrong place?
i wish i could change the past, and maybe change the future before the worst happens and you're gone forever, and it becomes too late for one last try.
it's said that time's the greatest healer, and that time changes everything.
i beg to differ; because it still hurts just as much as it did before, and my love for you hasn't changed.
not more, not less. i still love you.
i wonder if it ever will change.
hm.
don't think so.
the further time and life pulls you away from me, the harder i'll have to try to get to you.
but i'll still try--within the lines of sensibility, but i'll try.
i believe it's still possible--that's what keeps me hoping, and waiting.
is it my fault for believeing too much? is it wrong?
if only you didn't have to leave.
i lost you already, don't make me lose you forever. --if you aren't coming back, at least, stay where you're standing. don't walk any further and snap that last line.
still i hate the thought of you being with someone else.
it's enough to make me cry, enough to break my heart all over again.
its too painful to think about.
because that'll mean that whatever chance i had, is gone.
out of sight, out of mind. forever.
i don't hate myself anymore, but i hate the me that did it.
i guessed i've bitchslapped myself enough.
i don't have to keep hating myself to keep on loving you.
i can love you just the same without it.
i won't be able to handle the future if i don't let go.
it's time i stopped living in the past. i
have to
let go.
it's a lot like the Ring in LOTR, it gives you power, but that power will only destroy you in the end. it's a burden that only gets heavier with time.
you know you need to let it go, but when you're standing at the cliff, holding it over the fire...suddenly you just can't cast it away.
then you think of where you've come from, all the memories that came with it, all the things you went through, and how far you've come--and then it begins to look so appealing.
it's a sweet, sweet curse; you need to let it go but you can't. it's yours and yours alone. you know its going to hurt you but still, somehow it's too precious to leave, and you're to scared to let it become a part of your past and declare its over and done with.
because once you throw it into that fire, there's no turning back.
so you just stand there and that cliff turns into a crossroad, and in time, turns into a prison.
too many times, i've been there, only to decide to turn away and walk out still holding on to it. too many times i've had the chance to drop it and be free, and denied. too many times i've gone all the way back home, then made the journey back to the fire and at that turning point, given up and gone all the way back, till the next time i pluck up enough courage to try again.
so here i am again, holding it in my hand.
looking out over the fire--it's so simple, just open my hand and let it drop--yet so hard to do.
i can't go on like this.
it's painful to let it go, but...
you knew i could, all this time.
and i know you believe in me, though i don't believe in myself.
you keep telling me i can.
im going to prove you right.
i can do this.
i can be the person you saw in me all along.
im strong enough.
i won't believe any more lies.
i won't cower back in a corner and cry every time im scared.
i won't tell myself i suck and keep beating myself up over it every time i screw up.
that's just disgusting.
and weak.
but that's not me.
the girl i know wouldn't let fear win.
the girl i know i am doesn't know what fear is.
the girl i know has the guts to stand up and face herself.
the girl i know never stops trying.
the girl i know is a fighter.
the girl i know is
not a loser,
not a failure,
not a bitch,
not a liar,
not a cheat,
not useless and
not a hopeless cause.
okay.
time to get out of the cage.
walking away, as the burden hits the fire and disappears beyond reach; the world i used to know, along with that past, blows up and explodes behind me.
over and done with. forever.
bittersweet, but still...
no turning back.
victory doesn't depend on how many times you fall.
it depends on how many times you get back up after you fall.
and i just won.
14:59
10.4.05
It's like you're a drugIt's like you're a demon I can't face downIt's like I'm stuckIt's like I'm running from you all the time And I know I let you have all the powerIt's like the only company I seek is misery all around It's like your a leechSucking the life from meIt's like I can't breatheWithout you inside of me And I know I let you have all the powerAnd I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time It's like I can't breatheIt's like I can't see anythingNothing but youI'm addicted to youIt's like I can't thinkWithout you interrupting meIn my thoughts, in my dreamsYou've taken over meIt's like I'm not meIt's like I'm not me It's like I'm lostIt's like I'm giving up slowlyIt's like your a ghost that's haunting meLeave me alone And I know these voices in my head are mine aloneAnd I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now It's like I can't breatheIt's like I can't see anythingNothing but youI'm addicted to youIt's like I can't thinkWithout you interrupting meIn my thoughts, in my dreamsYou've taken over meIt's like I'm not meIt's like I'm not me I'm hooked on youI need a fixI can't take itJust one more hitI promise I can deal with itI'll handle it, quit itJust one more time, then that's itJust a little bit more to get me through this.--kelly clarkson; addicted. i know im stuck in this.
i dont need anyone to tell me that.
it's just that--i hate myself.
i hate what i got myself into.
i guess i've been trapped here so long; i've gotten used to being trapped.
addicted to the pain, the hurt, the cold and the darkness, maybe.
and as time passes, the idea of saving myself from this gets less and less appealing.
im losing the will to fight for myself.
slowly, but surely.
save me from this.
because i can't save myself.
i just wish you were still here, and things were back to how they used to be.
on a so-called lighter topic.
my creative zen micro absolutely refuses to work.
totally zonked.
-snarl.
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want toBut you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used toEven though this might bruise youLet it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon' learn)Let it burn (gotta let it burn)Gotta let it burn Deep down you know its best for yourself but youHate the thought of him being with someone elseBut you know that it's overBeen knew it was throughLet it burnLet it burnGotta let it burn I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move onOn the other side I wanna break down and cry--So many days, so many hoursI'm still burnin' till you return...--usher; burn
20:55
9.4.05
finally.
my hard work pays off.
the first webskin ever that i designed from scratch.
and it ain't half bad.
feels good to accomplish something.
been out the whole week, so i haven't had the time to do much.
and im dead zonked.
its not all bad, though.
went bowling on thursday with kah wan, ernie and joel.
had a great time, but i sucked.
my score looked like a printout from a dead person's heart monitor machine.
they were really nice though, giving me tips, teaching me and all.
haha i think i exasperated them but whatever.
i upped my score from zilch to 77 so i think that's pretty good. for someone like me.
though compared to them i worse than suck.
kahwan told me that they have to thrash me now cause i'd thrash them later on at pool.
i think that's his way of saying it's okay to be a horrible bowler.
BUT i DID thrash them later at pool.
muahaha.
okay, maybe not ernie, he thrashed me; he shot his last ball in when i had about 5 balls still on the table.
but I THRASHED KAH WAN.
hahaha.
and i would have thrashed joel, if it wasnt for stupid kahwan singing the monkey song in my ear all the time in his extra-low voice and making me laugh and fouling and giving joel free balls allatime.
played one game each with joel and ernie, and two with kah wan.
and i thrashed him in BOTH games.
kristy rocks.
after we went to play some game called World Combat in the arcade.
well actually the boys wanted to play it, but kah wan offered to help me out and i didnt mind.
ended up blocking and shielding myself through most of the harder parts of the game, with kah wan sacrificing joel and leaving him to fend for himself [hahaha poor joel, he died about 3 times] to help me on the game.
according to kah wan im pretty good at that game.
[even though he talking into my ear all the time telling me when to block when to shoot when to let him kill all the scary walking skeletons for me and somehow he didnt get hit even once. therefore resulting in me resting through almost half the game.]
if that was a real battle, joel would be riddled with bullet holes, my shield would be extremely dented and kah wan would be hung with so many medals that i dont think he'd be able to walk straight.
and through that whole day, no one knew what was going on inside.
at all.
i think i can hide it well.
though--somehow ben and lydia knew at cell, during the time when they were going around in free worship praying for individuals.
at least i didn't break down; but i had to fight really hard against that, sealing off the emotion and tears and everything.
friday, spent the best part of the day designing the webpage skin, but Blogger was down so i couldnt post it up or test it out.
but its all worth it.
also spent the whole day consoling Doro and talking her through it.
her situation is almost exactly the same as what happened between me and that guy.
well, maybe this is the reason why i had to go through all that--so i could help her now when she needs someone who understands what she feels like? i don't know.
poor girl...it's really hurting her.
hope things work out for the two of them--Doro, if you're reading this; i just want to tell you that i'll be here for you, always. though yeah, im a lousy subsitute for him, i know the feeling.
but if you ever need someone...
today, went over to jingyi's house to watch the whole series of Naruto up to box 6.
i never knew just watching tv and laughing my butt off could be so tiring.
oh well.
yeah, spent today doing this too.
its too small to see the details. i'd advise loading it into your computer and blowing it up on some picture edit program like Photoshop. Paint is good too.
btw, i did the whole thing on Paint program. good eh.
lol.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v315/lovehateanger/owtch.bmpin case this post fooled you--
this is how much it hurts.
and its still hurting.
told you im a good actor.
21:27
5.4.05
please, you got to read this, right to the end.
you know who im talking about, there's only one guy who i link to the word "love".
Edis Crnchevic was so right about, "For better or worse, love never dies."
im still not over you.
i never was over you.
i don't think i will ever be. i could stake my life on that.
even when i slipped up, you were my only one and the only one i loved, all along.
and yes, after thinking it over time after time, its safe for me to use the word "love".
because what i've felt for you since it started, a year ago, it never changed. i can't love you more and i never loved you any less.
i wonder if you notice i still do--
yeah, its pretty obvious.
i hate myself for what i did.
i hate myself for hurting you.
its crazy just how one mistake can throw you back so far.
just one wrong move, and my whole life changes, and im powerless to do anything to stop it.
there's two kinds, people who did it before and would do it again, and people who just slipped up and would never dream of repeating it.
i belong in the second category.
i made a mistake, but i never meant to hurt you.
this isn't self-justification.
i really never meant for it to happen.
i never want to hurt you.
you mean so much to me. so much more than that mistake.
i'd trade the world and all i have to just go back and do it all over again, now that i know better. i mean it, im not just dramatizing.
i don't regret things.
people used to ask me what i regret most in life. i used to be stuck for an answer.
but at least now i know what to say to them.
this scarred me for life.
not because im mad at you, not because i have damaged pride.
its because i hurt you.
and i can't believe how i could've been so cold, to hurt someone who loved me and cared for me so much.
i'll never forgive myself, never.
i know i blew my chance with you.
i had everything i ever wanted, and then one slip up and now it's gone.
talk about second chances all you want, but the hard reality of life is: sometimes you just don't get one more try to redeem yourself.
and sorry just doesn't seem enough.
sometimes i can't bear to look at you, because every time i see your face it just reminds me, in that split second, of all our memories and then, that mistake.
it's emotional suicide.
it just reminds me of how much i hurt you, i betrayed you and makes me hate myself all over again.
even more, if that's possible.
but still, i have to look at you because...well, i just can't get through without seeing you.
it isn't complete without your smile, without you here.
in case you didnt catch any of this; the bottom line is this. just one desperate cry for you to hear me, what i've never been able to get up the guts to tell it to your face:
give me one more chance.
put your trust in me, on credit, just one more time.
if i could swear, i'd swear on everything i hold dear that i'd never let you down.
but i promise. i dont know how little my promises are worth to you now...but im no longer who i used to be.
i've learnt my lesson.
just give me one more chance to prove myself.
i'm not just talking about in friendship.
for better or worse, --better for you maybe, but worse for me, because its over and now im left behind while you walk away; for better or worse, real love
never dies.
14:30
2.4.05
i just made a new blog [yes entirely out of my own impeccable genius] and it is now...
wait for it...
UP AND
READY FOR
VIEWING! yayyyy! [yes, yes, hold your applause please...]
and since this is my blog and i can do whatever i like, i am going to compel everyone to read it by placing the link
here.
muahaha.
and do go back every week or so, i come up with new, lame things every day.
=)
19:45
