30.5.05
pretty good day today, other than the fact that i took a sedative last night and the effects hadn't worn off when i woke up--in fact they
still haven't worn off and my eyes
still have a problem trying to focus in one place.
had to drag myself outta bed and try to find an incentive for going to school.
unfortunately there is none; and there is a serious lack of cute guys in my class; in fact, in the
whole school of DE.
blah.
the first time im actually in a co-ed school and this is what i get.
so much for motivation to wake up in the mornings.
--well, im in school to study, anyway...
-yawns.i have made a great record of walking smack into 4-5 glass doors today and trying to pull open push doors and push open pull doors.
my god, my brain left on vacation without me.
i got quite a bit of stuff to thank God for--i was so dead worried about not having friends [see the below entry, it was almost paranoidical] but it turns out that God's just made people walk up to me and me walk into people; and
i've made friends with 6 wonderful girls.YAYYERS.charmaine, hasnani and jia yan; if you guys are reading this i just wanna say a huge thank-you; you guys are
darlings--i appreciate y'all and i thank God for each one of you!
i got this whacked lecturer; but he's really nice.
and a bit mental.
but he's cool.
was supposed to meet charmaine at dover MRT today, then walk to our block together [oh yeah, i found a shortcut, now it takes only 10 minutes but the place is a mosquito haven] but we met on the train in outram. yayy now i have someone to go home with.
we walked into class like 15 minutes late. not that anyone cared because the briefing was putting everyone to sleep.
well duh; they ask us to wake up and reach there at
9 in the morning; when i stay like in
hougang; they all
SIAO one lorhs.
lol.
and then at 10am they were like
OH you have a break from 10am-1pm so go and do whatever and we were all like, what the
hell, then you ask us come here at
9am...
yeah.
so me and charm decided to go look around the area for shopping malls and stuff, so we took a train to queenstown and went around to
IKEA [yes that's the
nearest shopping centre that's nice, bloody hell], anchorpoint and queenstown shopping centre. all the shops suck and theres
nowhere to play pool. bleah.
well we got lost on the way back and we ended up in some
ulu place called
Depot Rd.
it was already 1pm so both of us were like panicking like crap and we were all
ohshitohshitohshit we're gonna be late
again...
managed to retrace our steps and get back, but by the time we reached SP it was like
1.30pm. hahaha.
yeah but it was all goood, because we cut ourselves 30 minutes off a boring blackandwhite movie about architecture and romance.
real weird how they mix the two together, really.
and it was the old style I Love Lucy kinda thing, so it was
really, really
boooooring.
it lasted
2 hours.
x.X
and after that we were
dismissed.everyone was going like
WHAT the
HELL you kept us back for 2
HOURS to watch that lame-ass
STUPID movie...?!
haa. comical.
i bought some really
cool new earrings today.
3 for 10 bucks, its not a bad deal for that kinda quality.
charmaine wanted to kill me for taking so long to decide. hahaha.
finally got to watch the Star Wars 3,
FINALLY, with my sis.
don was supposed to come too but he
ditched us. [im gonna
KILL you don i swear. you
WAIT. just you bloody
WAIT.]
we still had a great time though [
sticks tongue out at don here] and took cool neops.
i'll put the links here so you can go get yourself blinded by my utter ugliness.
weirdhandsigns.chickenwingarmlockmanoeveur.mysisterwantstosnogme.ihatethepinkdecos.somethingsneverchange. [i love this, it looks so sweet.]
nyaks.
i got a big day tomorrow, 9-5 again, so i'll blog if i have the energy.
19:53
28.5.05
if you never get close to someone, you'll never get hurt.
but you'll always be alone.
if you never trust, you'll never be betrayed.
but you'll never have anyone to carry your burdens.
it's a hard choice; always a toss-up between staying safe and never winning anything, or taking a risk and maybe losing everything.
truth, and lies.
it's an irony.
we call this the truth, and we believe it, we build hopes and dreams on it, we fight and die for it.
but consider; the moment you believe in a lie, it becomes truth for you.
it's not a lie if you believe it.
it's the truth.
then what we know as the truth--what if it's nothing but a lie that hasn't been uncovered?
there's nothing more painful than to discover what you trusted in all along was in fact; nothing at all.
people fight for what's good and right because they're brought up to know that their way is right; and anything that stands against it must be wrong.
yet on the other side; the so-called evildoers fight in the name of what we call evil, but to them; it's what's good and right--
because that's all they've ever known.
virtues are only known as such because no one dares to be them.
successful tycoons; popstars; celebrities; all of the elites that we so idolize--which one of them got to the top by being selfless, sacrificial, honest, pure, or by being themselves?
all the virtues that we praise in song, in poetry; the same gallant, valiant spirit immortalized in legends--which of these support survival in the dog-eat-dog world?
we only call them virtues because they are rare. the people who live these out are a rare breed; in other words, a dying species.
if everyone had these "virtues", if everyone lived them out and they were as commonplace as flies--do you think they'd still be so highly-prized?
think about it.
did you know we only use 20% of our total muscle power even when we're exerting ourselves? it's because your mind puts a mental block to limit how much you utilize your muscles. if that mental block wasn't there, you'd be able to use 100% of your muscle power--which eventually would lead to the breakdown of your muscles, the effects of which could be permanent. meaning you can't ever move again; and in the worst case, die.
that's why when you're running for your life; you're able to run much faster than you ever ran before.
your mind lifts the mental block to ensure your survival.
the only difference between pain and pleasure is perception.
the boundaries drawn are written with nothing but words.
it's all in your mind; and only in your mind.
once you break free of that--go beyond what you learnt; be willing to let go of everything you thought you knew and see things as they really are; you'll see the world for what it really is.
not some fake reality forced-fed into us by media, propaganda and the government.
nothing is what it really is. ever.
you can't even trust what you see; you can't even trust yourself.
18:37
23.5.05
it is precisely 1913h.
which leaves me with roughly like...
hm.
less than a day to my first day of school.
unofficially.
but
SCHOOL!damn, the longest holiday that i will ever know [unless i never get employed] is over.
...i can't believe im going back to school.
i will never, ever wear uniforms again [unless i join the army].
i'll have to stand in front of the wardrobe choosing what to wear
every morning from now on.
i'll have to stop sleeping late and sleeping in and
force myself out of bed at 5.30am.
and for the
first time in my life i'll have to take transportation to school.
a school which is so frickin
big even
the year 3 students still get lost once they wander out to the other side of school.
a school where i dont know anyone and the only other person i know has her block roughly like, i dont know,
65 000 000 lightyears away from mine.
a school which happens to be on the
OTHER side of singapore, only another convienient
75 000 000 lightyears away from where i stay.
...nooooo. i don't wanna
goooo....
idontwannaidontwannaidont
wannaaaa.
i mean what if i walk in and get
lost as im sure i will with the
friggin campus as big as it is and my block all the way in the
BACK area in some
obscure,
unknown block and make a blithering
idiot of myself and what if i wake up late
everyday and miss the bus and then reach school late and walk into the lecture hall and
everyone turns and
stares and what if i can't cope with the homework and the system and i have a
mental breakdown and go crazy and what if i get on the
wrong side of the
wrong people and they turn the
entire cohort against me and what if
all the girls
hate me and i get turned into some
uncool unpopular unwanted nerd-geek person and get jagged by
everyone and can't find
any friends and have to spend
3 years in poly
ALONE all by
MYSELF..?!what if my entire past academic and social history repeats itself?
i dont wanna be stuck a loser.
i.
dont.want.
to.
go.
mummyyy...i dont wanna go to school; i wanna stay home and bake cookies with you.
-cries and clings to the doorpost of her house.
--man.
i gotta salvage whats left of my sanity.
i
have to stay calm.
i
must maintain my composure.
i will
not blow up, i will
not freak out, i will
not break down and above all, i will
NOT scream.
no use worrying.
worrying
NEVER helps anything anyway, right?
i mean like, worrying won't change the fact that im
STUCK in a
big new scary school with a
big new scary system and
big new scary classes with
big new scary subjects taught by
big new scary teachers that i will have to sit through and endure with
big new scary people, with no chance
at all of any escape, right..?
RIGHT...!?who the hell am i trying to kid.
i am afraid.
i am
very,
VERY afraid.
i am
one hundred percent terri-
fucking-fied out of my halfwits.
now would be a good time to blow up freak out break down scream kick yell cry and pull all other sorts of motions and emotions known to man.
it would also be a very good time to dig a hole and stick my head in the sand and pretend i dont know anything about the
big new scary school with a
big new scary system and
big new scary classes with
big new scary subjects taught by
big new scary teachers that i will have to sit through and endure with
BIG NEW SCARY people, with no chance at all of any escape.
yep.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH... ...!!damn, that felt good.
im going to die tomorrow im going to die im going to die im going to die.
here at the final hour of my life as i know it; i am
not putting my affairs in order, nor am i trying to run around the
entire world in 60 minutes doing
all the stuff i never did, nor am i going around giving all my belongings to friends and hugging them and telling
everyone i love them, nor am i even trying to do my mom a final favour by
finally clearing up my room.
NO, i am staying at home the entire day, wasting these precious last 24 hours by reading
romeo and juliet, unabridged version by shakespeare; and also running around the house like a headless chicken worrying and freaking my behind off over the next life that i am going to, the hell otherwise known as singapore polytechnic.
all i ask is that when im gone, don't cry--remember me, remember the idiotic, crazy, fun stuff i did, remember that i loved you, remember that we'll meet again someday; and bury me upside down so that
all the world can kiss my ass goodbye.
19:11
15.5.05
just read this off a web, and i thought it's really good.
so i posted it here for y'all to read. [and just so i won't lose it somewhere.]
it's pretty long, but worth it.
Adapted from Mary Schmich's Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen).
If there's one true piece of advice I could ever give out to anybody, it would be this:
Wear sunscreen.
Trust me, if you don't, you'll be sorry.
Why is that the only piece of true advice I could give someone?
Because that's basically the only true thing I know, that would apply to everybody else in the world. That's why.
Every other piece of advice that I could give you, has no more reliable basis than my own meandering experiences - whereas the long-term effects of sunscreen have been proven by scientists.
My own experiences are just that - my own. But advice is based on life experiences, and the most reliable come from the one's who've lived it the longest.
I, however, do not fit into that category. I'm young - though, probably a few good years mentally and physically older than the one's who are reading this - yet I still have advice to give out. I will dispense that advice now.
Trust yourself more than anything else;
trust your heart half of the time, and your instincts only when absolutely necessary, for they're not always the best thing to base a decision off of.
Be true to yourself, and only yourself. Do not be what others want you to be. If you're brilliant, show it; if you're a dunce, wear it proudly, keep your dignity. At least you're being honest with yourself.
[kristy speaking here.by the way i disagree with this. "Be true to yourself, and only yourself." yeah, right. bloody overused cliche. the instant you do that--wham, no one wants to be around you. typical. you only have 2 choices: survival with a facade, or fight forever for what you believe in.no matter how much self-help books tell you this, it'll always be the same. in this world, people don't want you for what you are. they want you for what you do for them. love is selfish, people are selfish. no one will ever love every bit about you, every flaw and still accept you for it. no human heart is big enough, or ever will be. none of us are perfect. be yourself--but only to the extent to which is socially acceptable; yeah, that should be the new version.it sounds cynical, selfish, and not brave or courageous or strong. it's not any of the virtues that we so loudly proclaim are good and desirable; but never live out.and you know why it's never lived out?because being yourself is idealistic, just something that comes with so much flak in our society. trust me on this; being yourself is not an easy road to take. i've been there, i still am. so if you want your life to be easy, smooth, if you want your career to take you places and fetch you cash, if you want to be loved and adored by the world--rip the phrase "be yourself" to shreds. forget who you are. forget your identity, your purpose, and become another faceless--but loved, individual.for the rest of us, like me, we're still fighting to be ourselves. its a bloody war we won't win in this world, but theres always hope.and as long as we keep fighting and believing in being ourselves, we know who the real winners are. life is tough; here's a straw, suck it up.thats why im grateful i've got God.]Be mature about life and love, but don't grow old too quickly.
Live your life with laughter and fun, but be open to hurt feelings and painful emotions, for they are inevitable, and will help you in the long-run.
Respect and cherish what you have as a child. It will not stay with you forever, and once it's gone, you'll miss it terribly.
Enjoy the spoils in life, and enjoy the simplicity of things that pass through everyday life.
Don't worry about the future too much, don't live in the past, and don't occupy yourself with the present; try and spread it out to the fairest extent possible.
Indulge yourself while you can - that luxury passes along with time.
Believe in yourself and your abilities; nobody else will do it for you if you don't do it for yourself, first.
Enjoy the beauty that you hold while it's there. Most people don't understand this until they've gotten older, and that beauty has disintegrated. Only the lucky ones can understand it while they're young, and that kind of lucky is few and far apart.
You're not as fat or unattractive as you imagine.
Don't worry about what bad things could happen if you take that risk; that kind of worry is as effective as trying to solve and algebraic equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles that will catch you are the ones that will never cross your worrisome minds - the kind that pop up and smack you right in the face on some idle Tuesday afternoon.
Do one thing everyday that scares you. Take a risk; walk across the street before the light's on the other side turn red, stand up to a school bully, defend yourself in a heated argument with someone twice as big as you. It's good life experience.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who
are reckless with yours.Learn a difficult and completely different language. It looks good on a job application - something the lot of you will see plenty when you graduate high school.
Graduate high school.
Embrace emotions, and don't hide them. Everyone gets angry, everyone gets jealous; it's a part of life.
Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff.
Learn to play an instrument. It may seem difficult at first, but they could someday be your only form of entertainment on some rainy summer's day.
Floss, brush, and use Listerine. Nobody likes bad teeth and bad breath. Good teeth and a healthy smile could get you far in life - or at least play a small part in getting you where you want.
Don't believe that you're better than everyone else. Chances are, there's someone out there that you've never heard of and have no connection to whatsoever, that does at least one thing better than you.
Remember the compliments you receive, and forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with yourself and your life. Most people don't until it's time to make the biggest decision of their natural lives;
it's human nature not to know what to do. Do not read beauty magazines;
they only contain the falsest sense of beauty known to human kind and they will only succeed in making you feel ugly. Dance, even if you're no good and you have nowhere to do it but your own living room.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on. Don't let small quarrels ruin friendships, but don't brush them off as if they're nothing; they happen, and they're there, you might as well build off of them.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Don't rely on anyone else to support you. You may have a trust fund or you may marry a billionaire, but you never know when either one could run out on you.
Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Don't allow the drama some friendships provide in life to make you look at things differently. No one person, no matter how close they seem to you or how much they seem to care, is worth that kind of stress. Sever the ties to the dramatic ones if necessary, but don't forget the growing up they helped you go through.
Read directions; even if you don't follow them. Understand that you're choices - such as everyone else's - are always going to be half-chance. Maybe you'll marry, and maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, and maybe you won't. Whatever happens, don't congratulate yourself too much, but don't berate yourself, either.
Travel.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Just trust me on the sunscreen.
yup, thats about it for the passage.
oh yeah i took a quiz today too. haha.
here's my results... they're pretty accurate.
Cynical Cupid.You Consider Love To Be 71% Idealistic, 28% Positive, and 70% Important. You are the Cynical Cupid!
You view love as idealistic, yet your attitude towards it is also rather cynical. You tend to consider love to be something more than just a physical emotion. You also probably feel that sex without love is rather disgusting.
Of course, despite your idealism of love, you are also very cynical, seeing love as composed of misery and suffering that far outweighs anything positive that stems from it. Most likely, you have been hurt before in a relationship.
Your cynical attitude is in stark contrast to your other views of love. For instance, you consider love to be one of the most important things in the world. You would give almost anything to feel genuine love, but you also feel very cynical about ever finding such a love, knowing how painful love can be from your experiences.
16:27
10.5.05
i miss you.
somehow it just feels like you're pulling away, running away from me...
you don't know how much that hurts.
physical wounds, no matter how serious, with the right methods, the right medicine and time, can be healed and forgotten.
but the wounds of the heart--sometimes, no method, no medicine and no amount of time can ever heal it.
and it'll always be an ugly scar on the face of my past, an open wound in my life.
is this your way of getting back at me for what i did to you?
is the reason why you left me, and walked away...because of that mistake i made in december?
are you leaving me hanging because that's what i did to you back then?
do you still hate me?
are you still mad at me for all the times i wronged you?
can you feel this pain im going through?
did you decide to stop loving me--because i hurt you?
im so sorry.
even words seem so pathetic now.
don't you see me crying every night when i dream of you?
can't you hear my heart breaking every time i think of you?
don't you hear me? can't you see these tears? can't you feel this pain??
...or are you still pretending?
wounds of the flesh are physical--your mind can overcome them; it can counter the pain if your will is strong enough.
but those in the heart; this pain is with me in every waking hour, with each memory, running through my mind and i can't counter it at all.
its in those times when i wonder if you felt this way too--if you feel how i feel now, or if you understand--and i wonder if you even care.
stop running from me--please; this hurts too much.
haven't you had enough of seeing me crumble under the memories of you?
the thought of you brings tears to my eyes, and that isn't a metaphor. i still love you, and its as if all you do is stand there, so far away--and watch me fallen at your feet?
--with no emotion in your eyes, no feeling in your voice--and you break me.
i hope you're satisfied.
because this really, really, hurts.
but im not going to run away.
im not going to hide.
i can't deny the way i feel for you; and im not going to.
i know i still love you. no question.
im going to stay here, if thats what it takes to prove myself to you.
after all, i can't prove myself to you any other way.
--it's not like you're stopping me.
but somehow i just can't get up and leave.
i don't mean to drag it on, but i can't seem to let you go. i don't want to make you face this world alone.i try to go on as if i never knew you.i'm awake but my world is half asleep.i pray for this heart to be unbroken...but without you; all im going to be is--incomplete.
20:48
8.5.05
this is going to be a thank-you post.
so if you're not interested, skip and read the one below.
fresh off the press [well almost larh], nostalgic and reflective.
lol.
okay, here we go.
not in any order whatsoever. so don't be jealous. hiaks.
God..! you are the bestest bestest daddy, brother, friend, King and boyfriend i ever had..! thank you for everything Lord. i love you i love you i love you. -muacks. haha. thanks for loving me--real love, none of the fake cheap imitation the world sells off the media. thanks for bring all these great people into my life. you've blessed me so much--filled up, shaken together, pressed down and running over. Lord, i dont deserve it, i dont deserve you--but thats what love is. you ROCK my world, Jesus!
to lydia..! thank you SO much for treating me to lunch today at Sakae-- i had a great time (: thanks for letting me...er, "unpack" my problems. it really helped a lot..! thanks so much for being there for me, for being a listening ear, for not judging me and accepting me as myself...and for all the gentle advice you gave, and also sympathising, understanding what im going through right now, and being so supportive, and helping me to sort...er, well, me out. you're a great cell leader and blessing to me...may God bless you just as much and more! im glad i got you, you rock. (:
jingyi..! i know you hate mushy stuff, but i dont care. hah. so there. girl, what would i do without you? [go on with my life i suppose...hahaha okay just kidding.] you've known me for a longer time than anyone else--you know EVERYTHING about me, you know all the dirt and all the good, and you're still here. i know i can count on you, girl, i swear i'd trust you with anything, even my life. though you threaten to slit my throat and hang me up on your wall, i know you won't ever actually do that. don't flood my tag with your arguments, i know you won't. you know me so well you might be psychic. you can finish my sentences and i seem to always love your birthday presents. no matter what, i know you always got my back. and i got yours. (: i can't thank you enough. i love you girl!! --heck i should just write a frickin' letter...
jody..! ex kor-kor. do you notice the way i spelt your name? with a 'y'. just the way you hate it. hiaks. anyway, you and jing [yeah i know im the only person who calls her that] you guys have always stuck by me and stuck up for me. we're like neapolitan [is that how it's spelled?] ice cream. split the three and it wouldn't be neapolitan. --aiya you know what im trying to say. i love you kidd. and i miss you, and the times we shared...lets go watch kingdom of heaven together!! yay!! haa. thanks for being my confidante in secondary school, my--er, ahem, protector, and my shoulder to cry on, AND my lightbulb on my crazy "i gotta bring you as an alibi or my mom will kill me" dates with guys. i know you hated that--but thanks for doing that for me anyway. haa (:
[just for the record--you and jing, and me, we'll always be that special group with that right mix of everything. example, tall, taller, tallest; slim, slimmer, slimmest; slow, medium, fast, bo chap, mental and...haruka-obsessed? --and A cup B cup C--hahaha okayokay. i'll always love you two. no one can replace you guys, ever.] ivan..! i could like, go on forever? but i'll try to keep this short. haa. okay. you've always supported me, always stood up for me in church, and always,
always been there for me. i really don't know what to say to thank you--really. its precisely because im at a loss for words that i blabber so much, hoping i'll say something intelligent that fits. you taught me so much--you know what i mean. you taught me both the good, and the bad, and im so glad you did. you mean a LOT to me, i hope you know that, and i hope you'll always remember that. thanks for everything--yeah, go look up everything in the dictionary, and think about what everything really means, and you'll realise why i honestly have a huge problem thanking you. haha. thanks for being an awesome friend and brother--thanks for always listening, thanks for giving me sound, sensible advice [i need a LOT of sense], thanks for all the crapping, the sweet and silly things, the nicknames aaand LET ME BULLY YOU! yay for bullying! but seriously, thanks for putting up with me. im not an easy person to live with, and not an easy person to change, and not an easy person to totally win over, but you did it. YAY for YOU! haha. ok im done. (:
thanks to the dancers from 4c1 04..! [my class larh. the "yeah" people. hiaks.] thanks for putting up with me and the extra long practices, the extra extra hard and extra extra extra painful dancesteps. haha. i know we all couldn't stand up to greet the teachers and couldn't walk down the stairs, but i got to know you all better, and you are a bunch of AWESOME people. and very patient. you'll always have a place in my heart. (:
prisca..! haha, i miss ya, potato. i miss you and your braces. haa. thanks for being so totally super to me, crapping with me and doing stupid stuff larh...you're a great potato and really on fire for God...don't let it burn out! -hugs.
rachel..! wassup bro-therrr~ sia larh~. haha, thanks for always helping me in class when the teacher would be like whats the answer and i'd wake up and go 'huh?' oh and thank you for letting me copy your homework. yes. lol. thanks for being a great friend...i miss writing and sharing stuff and poetry and plowing through boring lessons together. i love you girl. you should have won the miss cambridge. haha (:
melv..! my darling stone pig, i havent forgotten you. i also havent forgotten how i talked about everything with you for 30 mins and then went like eh whats your name ah. you've been the bestest godbrother...i love you sooo much. haa. thanks for always letting me complain and complain and complain to you, and then before you get another 2 words in i complain again and again and again... yeah. i know i havent been like contacting you that much and all--im so sorry. i'll take you out to lunch soon okay? my treat (: [which would depend on when i get the money. hee.]
mel goh..! kor!! thanks so much for like, calling me all the way from aussie to be my shoulder to cry on, and give me some great advice, and then trying to cheer me up. you dont know how much i appreciate that. im so blessed to be your mei. haa. thanks for the christmas card you gave and the encouraging words you wrote, even back then when you hardly knew me. you're always taking the time to say hi to me, remind me im not forgotten and that someone cares. and yep, that ultra-great piece of advice, "your attitude defines your altitude"...or something like that larh. okay i thought it was like, supersuper corny then larh, but now...yep, it really makes sense, and as corny as it makes me feel i always tell myself that--so thanks!! you helped pull me out of a rut. and your attitude is also supersuper corny and damn cute larh...the way you act and all. so funny. hahaha. you really bring a lotta cheer and blessing to my life--and you ALWAYS make me smile. thanks so much, love you! (: [--whoops. sorry. dont wanna spoil your chances of getting a girl. haa.]
to nick too..! hiaks. thanks for being a bastard. hahaha. really man, im serious. thanks SO much for being a big fat jerk. i like your type of jerk. --okay, for real. thanks for being there for me when i needed you, after i got my Os results back and was like, totally in shock. and thanks for telling me "if you're not okay, and need someone to talk to, im always here". even though you are a jerk--well, sometimes, you're a great, caring guy, great to talk to, awesome to have fun with, and yep, im glad you my friend, bro. rock on. i still think the name velvet rose is gay for a band though. but...yeah, you rock on the drums. don't say i never compliment you.
aleks..! giiirrrl..! foxtail! ^^ hehe. whoops. okay, thanks firstly for putting up with me calling you foxtail. haha. thanks for being my listening ear, when everything came crashing down on me, you were there. i love you, girlfriend! you've been a big blessing to me, super big blessing yeah, and NARUTO ROCKS THE WORLD'S SOCKS! okay. getting really disjointed here. thanks for making me feel wanted in church, and standing by me and being a support to me...i can't wait to bunk with you in church camp! haha. God's been good to me, He sent me you--what more can i say?
eugene..! im glad you're in my cell, you're so whacked, you rock on the guitar and you've always been supporting me. i know you understand, and when i felt jagged you were there to listen to me, and you didn't judge, at all--you accepted me and helped me through it. it means so much to me. thanks for sharing your--er, so called secrets with me too. haha. it really made me feel like i meant something to somebody, and that i was wanted. thanks for trying to cheer me up when im down or moody, and talking to me when you see me alone, and overall being just--no other word for it really...a blessing. i dont deserve it, but im glad God gave me you as a friend. i'll always treasure you, you're a great guy, dont forget that!
ah pang..! thanks man...for allthe times you helped me out when i was in sec school...and ponning school with me to go to the esplanade...haha okay thats a bad thing, but thanks bro!! you rock...im so glad you found a great girl now...all the best! you're damn funny larh, always trying to cheer me up and acting stupid...you're a great friend, with a great heart... -huggers.
jolene..! zhuzhupok. ahaha. thanks for making me feel like a part of your life, always offering to give me a lift back in your dad's car, staying back and just chatting about you-know-who and everything else after 1st service...and being such a crazy, awesome friend! im glad you take the time to catch up with me, i just wanna let you know i really value you. (: here's to our friendship yeah?
timo..! my newest friend. what can i say, you keep me up late at night--NO not in that way, dont get any ideas. i mean how am i supposed to sleep when you're chatting on the phone with me at 2am. haha okay, i know im the one talking most of the time. haha. thanks for listening to me, and you've added a lotta colour to my life! you are so whacked, i gotta refer you to IMH one of these days man. im serious. you weird. and the way you talk is just sooo entertaining. ahaha. you rock, babes. hope our friendship grows...thanks so much for all you've done!
to my cell too, you guys ROCK. jolene, lynn, sam, simon, clarissa, christy, joel, andrew, ben, lydia...i'll always remember the times we shared, and all the fun we have...thanks for everything guys!!
to the rest of my friends who arent mentioned by name here...it doesnt mean i love you any less. i love you all so much, and i dont wanna ever lose any of you. you'll always be in my heart, i'll never forget, promise.
thanks for everything you guys...i mean it. (:
what this does mean, however, is that my mom is yelling at me to get off and if i dont she's gonna pull out the modem, so yeah, i'll thank more people when she's not around to nag!!
haha.
its only recently i've realised how lucky i am--and i just gotta thank y'all for it.
17:34
7.5.05
looking out from here, the future is pretty unclear.
not that i worry about it; i guess i've never been one to worry about what life will throw at me tomorrow.
but the future is a pretty low-grade, foggy crystal ball to gaze at.
it's not that i don't have a basic plan.
though there's what i want to do, and what i can do.
what i
want to do--get into poly, hook up with enough talented people to form a christian rock band like third day or something, then while studying manage to make it
big and
top the local market, go on to bigger stuff like the asian market and finally hit the charts on a
global scale. boyfriends can come later;
seriously. i'll be rich, rather famous and most of all taking the world by storm for Jesus, boys are old stuff compared to that.
yeah, kristy, dream on.
but i believe if you dream hard enough, work hard enough and believe in yourself, you can go after whatever and get it.
and
no one--i repeat,
no one, can ever kill off my dreams and change my mind about what i want.
im stubborn and you better believe it.
nyaknyak. :p
though, yeah, the course of life may take me elsewhere, and i may never acheive it if it isn't my calling.
but i guess that's what i'll always want, somewhere in the back of my mind.
i'm probably going through with the
frickin' system and do what everyone else does--go to poly, take a 3 year course, then i'll try to hit a varsity overseas and get someone nice to sponsor me or a scholarship. if im that unlucky, i'll have to settle for either a varsity here, or start work.
you know the drill after that.
start work, stabilise my career, get a boyfriend [if i haven't one already], get married, start a family, then grow old, die and rot in my grave.
it's a normal life.
so mundane and so shit boring lorh, as a
certain someone said. haa.
but life itself is a big adventure.
and as cliche as it is, the real fun in life is in the journey.
never in the destination.
heaven excluded.
i've always loved and appreciated the smaller things in life--what some may miss out on or take for granted...
once you miss out on all that you miss out life itself.no matter how boring the routine of life might seem: get born, go to school, go to work, marry, reproduce, die and repeat--thats not the way life was meant to be pictured.
if life was a picture about the As on your report card, or the credits on your resume, or the money in your bank account, or how many business partners you have, the picture would end up looking like newsprint.
life--to me at least--is all in the scars i got when i learned to ride my bike, finally, at
primary 6. its in the first time i rode a horse.
its in learning to swim and ice-skate. its in the bruises i got learning to ice-skate. its in the people i accidentally injured in the process of skating.
its in taking
30 minutes to climb a
2 storey rockwall. its in freaking out and wanting to cry just before abseiling down from a
very high tower. its in losing my paddle while kayaking,
getting abandoned and having to wait for the drift to take me back to shore.
its about yelling at my friend "
im not going to friend you anymore if you dont lend me your eraser" in primary 1 and saying pretty much the same all the way to sec 4. its about the friendships i've made and the friendships i've broken; the friendships i'll
always treasure. its in the practical jokes, pranks, crashing parties and spiking the coke with alcohol. its in coming home at 4am and getting grounded. its in trying to run away from home. its in planning to run off to australia with a friend, hide from our parents, and never come back. its in good girls trying to act
big,
bad and
scary.
it's in the crushes, and the first dates, and the breakups. its in chocolate, tears and roses, and tissues from friends.
its in
thinking i knew
everything and realising i didnt.
its in falling hard in love with that one special guy--learning so much from each other, having the best time in my life--and making mistakes, then learning from that.
its in watching things you built up fall apart.
its in feeling the pain, then picking yourself up and trying to cope.
its in growing up a little more everytime my heart breaks.
its in discovering yourself all over again every day.
its in the smiles, the tears, the fights, the make-ups, the mistakes, the successes, the lies, the losses, the breakups, the despair, the pain, the black holes, the strength, the love, the hope, the truth, and the friendships.
its in falling down; and picking myself up, brave enough to do it all again the next day.
its in learning that what's left me and moved on without me doesn't really mean it's gone--because that special thing, and that special person, will
always be there with me, in my heart and in my memories.
true, some things are best forgotten and left unsaid--but for the most part,
no one ever said you have to forget when you let go.and when you really love a person, or a pet, or anything for that matter--after its gone; or it dies, or it leaves you--you can never really stop loving it; and a part of you will always love it, no matter what may come. that's a part of what real love is.
love itself can never save the world--but it makes it a lot more easier to bear.
its in lying on my deathbed and saying, "i didn't get to be a rockstar. i didn't get
that rich. i didn't ever get to bungee jump, not once in my entire life. i didn't skydive. i never really got a second chance with that guy.
im still scared of cockroaches.BUT--i have people who love me, i have people whom i love.
i've treasured every sunset and i made my mistakes, and with all the hard lessons learnt, i made a difference in others' lives and i made it better for them.
i gave all of me to the people i care about and didnt hold back, i took every chance and risk and made it good.
i found my purpose in life, and i lived it out the best i could.
i ran the race, fought a good fight, and
im proud of myself.i've done all that really matters; most importantly, im ready to stand before God and im not afraid, i have
NO regrets--heck, i was never anyone
BIG, but
i know i made a difference. im glad i did what i was born to do."
so if anyone ever asks me, what the heck exactly do i plan to do with my sloppy life, yep-- that's pretty much what i'll tell them.
work and the millions of crinkly green purple red and yellow stuff aside--
life isn't about me living it for me.
it's about living it for others.
it's about just, simply,
living. i'll go the distance for God, no holds barred.
for each and every person i care about.
i'll go the distance and be all God made me out to be, to be the best i can.
i'll go the whole distance and that extra mile.
i promise.
life on the edge and to the extreme; im up for it, any day.
--life's so short, why waste it?
(:
[[just try and relax.yeah, fall apart in my backyard. 'cause let me tell you something, little britches; you act like that bee acts--uh-uh.you're working wayy too hard.don't spend your time looking around
for something you want
that can't be found.
when you find out you can live without it
then go along, not thinking about it.
i'll tell you something true--the bare necessities of life will come to you.--baloo, the jungle book "the bare necessities".]]
18:46
5.5.05
i'll sew this up with threads of
reason and regret so i will
not forget...
i will not forget how this felt one year six months ago.
i know i cannot forget.
i can tell that
you don't know me anymore.
it's easy to forget.
sometimes...we just forget.
being on this road is anything but sure...maybe we'll forget?
--i
hope we don't forget.
i'm falling into memories of you; things we used to do... follow me there-- a beautiful somewhere, a place that i can share with you.
so many nights, legs tangled tight--wrap me up in a dream with you.
close up these eyes; try not to cry...
all that i got to pull me through--is memories of you.i'm
falling into memories of you; things we used to do... follow me there-- a beautiful somewhere, a place that i can share with you.
i had one good guy...who's
always been there like, you know,
took all the bullshit...then
one day he can't take it no more...and
decided to leave.back tracking, trying to figure out what i did to make it go bad--cause
ever since you left me, my whole
life came crashing; im so lonely.
can't believe i had a guy like you...and i just let you walk right outta my life. after all i put you through, you
still stuck around and stayed by my side--what
really hurt me is
i broke ur heart, baby you were a good guy and
i had no right.
i
really wanna make things right; without you in my life, im so lonely.
been all about the world and
i ain't never met a guy that can take the things that you'd been through...
i
never thought the day would come where you would get up and run, and i would be out chasing you.
there ain't nowhere in the globe i'd rather be, ain't no one in the globe i'd rather see than the guy of my dreams that made me be so happy-- but now so lonely.
never thought that i'd be alone--
i didn't hope you'd be gone this long.
i just want you to call my phone, so stop playing; and come on home.
baby boy, i didn't mean to shout, i just want me and you to work it out--
i never wished i'd ever hurt you, and its driving me crazy...
i know you think that i shouldn't still love you, i'll tell you that.
but
if i didn't say it--well, i'd still have felt it; where's the sense in that?
i
promise i'm
not trying to make your life harder...or return to where we were...
well i
will go down with this ship.
and i won't put my hands up and surrender.
there will be no white flag above my door.
i'm in love, and
always will be...
i know
i left too much mess and destruction to come back again.
and i caused but
nothing but trouble...
i understand if you can't talk to me again.
...and
if you live by the rules of "it's over" then...
i'm sure that
that makes sense.
and when we meet--as i'm
sure we will;
all that was there will be there still.
i'll let it pass... and hold my tongue.
and you will
think that i've moved on...
well
i will go down with this ship. and i won't put my hands up and surrender.
there will be no white flag above my door.
i'm in love, and always will be.
21:25
2.5.05
i got this while browsing the web. it's pretty cliched, but at the same time very true, i think.
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli's Mandolin"went out today with my family.
woke up in the morning with a terrible cold.
it hasn't subsided yet.
doesn't look like it's going to.
me and my sister bought these really cool new shades and they're exactly the same.
lol.
we should've just bought one and shared.
i blew another 4 bucks on a dangly-deco-thing for my phone.
its a model of Sasuke from the anime Naruto and it looks so darn nice on my phone. [insert hysterical screaming of other Sasuke fans.]
blew another 3 on this other dangly-deco-thing called Mr X.
it's a cartoon figurine of an...erm, an "au-naturale" man; contains a sensor...but the LED is placed at his d--
err.
his do
wn there.so as with all radiation sensors...the LED's supposed to...light up...
hahaha.
my sister thinks its sick.
i think its sick too.
but its funny.
nyaks.
(:
[dont you
DARE give me that
look. it's all in the name of humor; unless you don't have one. -sticks her tongue out at you.
nyaaaaaaah.]
anyway, nothing much to update for today really.
just that my dad's been really shit grumpy and all, so he's been either wanting to
hantam me for the tiniest mistake [im not exaggerating] or he's being damn bloody sarcastic.
and he's cursing a lot all of a sudden.
damn i hope this cold blows over soon.
and my dad's attitude.
...anarchy is a beautiful thing.
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.--Thelemic foundation scripture."
21:45
1.5.05
im still trying.
haa.
so far, i've tried sabox.com, streamload.com, ripway.com, kytec.com and a lot of shabby sites in between.
none work.
-snarl.
i need something like boomspeed but now i need to pay to use it so yeah, that one's out.
argh, this is irritating.
i really need help with this so...yeah, be nice people and give ideas aiight?
(:
haa.
okay i'll stop nagging.
18:49
yay.
new skin.
had a bit of help with this one though.
it's not as fancy as the last one, but i need a change.
and i think simple is nice.
i still kept the click-to-nav thing though.
now i just need a file hosting service that can host mp3s for me so i can load the song i want into the blog, instead of this current one.
i can't use the scripting for this one because it came with the layout script.
and all the hosts ive tried are only for jpg. or jpeg files.
-snarl.
so if you guys know any hosting service, or better yet, a web that already provides the codes for songs, tag me with it, aiight?
18:19
