30.6.05
this will be an extremely short post.
fuck love.
19:41
22.6.05
god.
finally. i actually have the end of the day
all to myself.
to play.
with
no primers.
no assignments.
no school stuff.
nope.
nada.
zip. YAY!muahahahaa--long have i waited for this moment; dark have been my days, long the hours--
NO HOMEWORK TODAYY!whoohoo.
happy.
finally finished primer 1.
got pretty good comments for the presentation from the panel, considering that almost everyone got mercilessly shot down with rather destructive constructive criticism.
so yeah.
happyy.
aaand i finished my intech dossier assignment.
which is rather amazing since i only began today; and considering the fact that i tried to start yesterday after school at the esplanade but got a bit--
ahem,
distracted. [but who cares? because i
fiiiinished my
schooooooolwork. (: ]
and also considering the fact that throughout my
entire secondary school life i have
NEVER handed
anything in on time.
it's kind of scary, really. the changes in my attitude toward assignments.
example, it used to be "
homework..? what homework? -blink. wait, you mean there was
HOMEWORK?!" to "my
god, charmaine,
STOP slacking larh, go
do your work can anot..."
talk about extremes.
maybe its because they don't chase you for stuff in poly, unlike secondary school. and its either sink or swim.
no one makes you do stuff here, so i just gotta force myself...
although i'd much rather be slacking allatime...
but
WHO CARES because
I FINISHED MY SCHOOLWORK...! (:
ifinishedmyschoolwork ifinishedmyschoolwork ifinishedmyschoolwork
iiiifinishedmyschoolworkk.
muahahahaa.
and this is only year one.--and im just making it through.
i can kiss my social life and 8 hours of sleep goodbye when i hit year 2.
but i can't be bothered about that now.
you know
why?because--
everybody say it with me now--
III FIIINISHED MYYY SCHOOOOOLWORKKKK...!wheeheehee.
happyhappyhappy.
aand thanks to charmaine, haz, ivan and john for all the moral support..! haha (:
well im gonna go celebrate by blowing all my time on packing my bag for my trip to berkelah falls this weekend with SPAdventure.
great way to spend the meager amount of me-time i get, eh?
i just wanna stay here,soaking up the rainfalling all around me;wash the world away. live like it's the last moon rising,scream just like no one's there;lose all of my defenceshold you, touch you; love you like it'sthe very last moment in time. --very last moment in time; lindsay lohan.
21:06
14.6.05
i'm coming out of my cage,
and i've been doing just fine.
gotta--gotta be down because i want it all.
it started out with a kiss,
how did it end up like this?
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.
now she's falling asleep
and she's calling a cab
while he's having a smoke
and she's taking a drag
now they're going to bed,
and
my stomach is sickand
it's all in my head but
she's touching his chest
now; he takes off her dress
now;
let me go.
and
i just can't look it's killing me,
and taking control. jealousy,
turning saints into the sea,
swimming through sick lullaby's,
choking on your alibi's.
but
its just the price i pay,
destiny is calling me.
open up my eager eyes
cause
im Mr. Brightside. --the killers; mr. brightside. i can sum up life in three words--
it goes on.
time's a cruel thing.
so is love.
time waits for no one, and love cares for none.
time forces you to go on, bearing the pain that comes from the still-open wounds that love gave.
i'll wear my heart on my sleeve, like i always have.
and i wear those wounds like battle scars, with pride.
it's time to let go.
i guess there'll always be things left unsaid.
and maybe we'll look back and wonder how things would be like now if we had tried, and wonder what went wrong.
maybe we'll wonder how things could have gone wrong when we seemed so right.
but even the best fall down sometimes. and even the wrong words might seem to rhyme.
someday we'll think back, think of each other, and smile.
someday.
but for now, we both know that even though it hardly seems this way, you and i collide.
i've been standing at the scene of our accident, watching the burning wrecks and crying for so long now.
until i cannot deny that things aren't the same anymore.
--although i hate the thought of you being with someone else; even i don't feel the same about you.
even on my side; things have finally changed.
time, i guess.
the great healer of hurts; but i HATE the way it goes about it.
im sorry.
i don't want to let go. i want things to be like before.
but i know they never will again.
this hurts--is this what they call growing up pains?
i've been hoping to fix whatever went wrong--but you can't fix what's not broken.
life goes on. time goes on; and people and hearts all change.
time drags us on slowly till hate turns into sorrow, sorrow into serenity, and the vivid memories that feel so real become black-and-white photos on the mantelpiece, and when we happen to gaze on them we remember and smile, until we die, and they're erased from the face of the earth, as if they never existed.
i don't want to admit this is the end; but i know i have to.
i have to shut the door.
but the lights will always be on, burning and flickering flames on the candles of memory.
so this is my last goodbye.
i know i said i'd never say goodbye to you; but--
we all have to move on and let go.
there's only one thing that will never change. the past. i'll always have that, i'll always have the memories.
i treasure them, but that's all they will ever be. memories.
you gave me more than anyone ever had. you sacrificed more. you cared more. you loved more. you hurt more. thanks for everything.
i'll never forget.
never, i promise.
walking away from the crash site, it's still burning, but i don't dare to turn back for one last look. this is the last time, for forever.
this is the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.
but with it comes a certain relief; i think they call this closure.
you never gave me a closure.
you left me hanging till now.
i don't know if you're still at the crash site, like me, thinking, wondering, mourning--or if you left long ago.
all i know is that i have to walk away now, or i never will.
nothing lasts forever; but nothing ever really changes either.
promises are dangerous, but i can promise this:
i won't forget.
i'll always be there for you when you need me.
i'll always be your friend.
i care.
so i guess this is it.
the end of our eternity.
i'm glad we came this far.
so...yep--
goodbye.
19:32
stole this off ivan's web--thanks, babe (:
Congratulations Kristy, you are...
'Xia Xue' Wendy Cheng of
xiaxue.blogspot.comYou are a goddess/god. You've got the looks, the brains and the body. You have such an irreverent sense of humour, people listen to you religiously and worship the ground you walk on. On the other hand you can also be straightforward, blunt and very very controversial. That has the potential to offend many people, but of course you don't care, you just shoot. In the end, people either love you or hate you. Nothing in between.
Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?
18:36
13.6.05
it's been an
amazing week that's gone past.
another milestone.
can i hear it for
CHURCH CAAAAMP?! whoohoo...!
okay, so last year's was much better; but something really special happened during this one.
wait for it; waaait for it...
so, how do you keep an idiot in suspense?
--
i'll tell you tomorrow (:
haa. ok i'll stop dragging.
i got slain this church camp during Holy Spirit Night.
it might'nt seem like much, but you won't believe how long i've been asking God to give me a more intimate encounter with Him.
spiritually i've been pretty dry lately; and God just seemed so far away.
i begged Him for a fresh touch the whole of camp; and it seemed like He was silent--but He'd heard all along; as whoever prayed for me during that altar call told me.
and
He took my breath away on HSN.
Jesus, you never cease to amaze me. (:
the words You gave me were exactly on the mark; it's just what i needed. your reassurance, and breaking the last strongholds that Satan had on me.
i'll always hold on to those words; forever.
i'm
not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes; He doesn't make mistakes with lives, and
He didn't make a single mistake with mine.i'm not a mistake. not a mistake.
never was.
the spirit of self-rejection that has been haunting me for so long has been broken--i'm accepted, and i'm loved.
the world might reject me and push me away, but God will never.
John 14:27 (New International Version)--27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.amen, thanks God.
there will never be another who loves me like You do, and i'll never love another quite the same way as i love You.
you'll never deny me so much more than i ask for--i'm reborn from the ashes by Your fire; a phoenix rising to soar above the storm with You on the wings of your love; and i'll always be running after You.
words aren't enough to thank You or express what i feel.
words are so limiting. and there's never been a word made to express this feeling.
all i can say is; thanks for everything, God. You are my everything. i don't know how i lived before You, or how i could live without You. all i know is i don't want to. ever.
you are the only One i could live for--you're the only thing keeping me alive.
i love You, Jesus.
and i'll never say these three words to anyone else and mean it quite as much. (:
and no, that doesn't mean that when i say that to my future boyfriend [though i guess that won't be happening anytime soon] i won't mean it--just that i won't ever love anyone else alive as much as i love Jesus.
i could sing, i could smile, i could shout out loud because i'm in Your love. i could run; i could race and soar to the sky--because Your love is mine.
well, got to play about
a few million FREE games of pool nyaknyak.
the pool table in the hotel pub was the kind where you gotta slot in a few coins and the balls come out. [this sounds sick. lol.]
they forgot to lock the coin slot compartment.
so we just kept banging the compartment [this really sounds sick now] till the balls rolled out hahahaha. [man. i have to stop sounding sick.]
yep, had a great time. played 9-ball and 8-ball pool with sam, seany and john.
was the tattoo artist for camp too. was drawing tribals and graffiti art on people at their request.
haa.
quite fun. and they didn't turn out half bad (: i'll post a pic here when i get it.
aleks managed to convince me to swim.
shocked?
lol.
went down mummified in my hotel bath towel and board shorts over my swimming costume.
then stood at the edge of the pool and contemplated jumping in with my shorts on.
aleks said i was crazy.
so in the end i got her to stand near the deck chairs, then i took off my board shorts threw them to her and jumped in as fast as possible and ended up boinking my head on the edge of the pool.
i couldn't get back into my board shorts fast enough after.
sean wants me to blog about him.
fine. i have.
see your name here seany?
yes (:
haa. went over to his room and me, john, sean and hansel were prank calling people at random numbers and saying weird things lol.
like sean says, i was the star actress of the night. -grins.
yes, yes, thank you, please hold your applause.
lol.
then we went to go and
jUmP oN jOhNs bEd muahahahaha.
sorry john. but we couldn't resist.
also was being toldand telling stupid lame jokes on the way back from camp with my church youth people...took a few crazy photos too. don't have them yet, but soon, soon.
daryl was acting gay on the bus. hahaha.
why did the fireman wear
red suspenders?
no really. guess.
to keep his pants up larh. (:
bought the bag i wanted for so
looong too. hah. my trip to malaysia has accomplished its purpose. lol. jk.
so funny.
oh well. camp was all good.
went to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith with
penangg yesterday (:
GREAT MOVIE! i'd recommend it to everyone.
the shootout scenes were nice, especially the last one. damn dramatic, but nice.
the marriage counselling was whacked too.
hahaa. i think the show's just the right mix of action, comedy and romance.
one of the best i've seen in a while.
was really tired and kept wanting to fall asleep, but penangg came up with a really--er,
ingenious way of
keeping me awake. hahaa (:
and i was freezing like crap too. remind me to never wear sleeveless shirts when im catching a movie x.X
great movie, great time yesterday.
also bought a birthday prezzie for my sister [yeah. im shocked too.] lol. a orange-coloured 37degrees shirt. it's pretty nice.
and if penangg hadn't brought me to Far East Plaza [the first time i ever stepped into that place. hey, stop laughing larh ): ] i'd have ended up buying a pink monkey so yepp, thanks john! (:
i can't believe i actually caught up on my project work.
0.o
it's the first time i didn't slack off schoolwork.
haha.
hmm. maybe i really
am growing up after all.
...NOOOOOO.... =x
haa.
thanks to God for the energy and strength that kept me going through the night to finish my project up [although i still ended up sleeping on the table] and to penangg for all the support and encouragement! (:
lol.
okay im sleepy. time to hit the sacks...
but first. gotta write a love letter to no one.
Dear Boy,i don't know who you are; or when and where we'll meet. i could've passed you on the sidewalk today. i could've met you in the sandbox when i was 5. i could've talked to you today. you could be a stranger, or my best friend. i don't know who you are; but i hope you'll find me soon.
and when that happens, i hope you'll love me for who i am; for me, and not hope for someone who's thinner or prettier. i hope you won't compare me to girls who are taller, or who have prettier smiles, or who are more popular. i hope you'll make me laugh, take care of me when i get sick, lend me your coat when i'm cold, take the first step to ask me out, and be trustworthy.
i hope you'll remember my favorite flowers are roses, and that just because i wear black most of the time doesn't mean im gothic. just because i act tough sometimes doesn't mean i am, it's only a defence to cover up and guard a heart that's been broken before. please know my eyes aren't just brown, they're hazel; and when the sun shines into them, you can see the flecks of gold.
i hope you'll love me despite my tendency to forget birthdays, and to tease a little bit too much, and be a little too sarcastic sometimes, and support my crazy dreams of becoming a rockstar. i hope you'll still love me even though i hardly wear dresses or skirts, even though i'm neither quiet nor exactly demure, and even though i hardly fit into the mould of the typical, normal, perfect girl. i hope you'll still love me with all my flaws; even when i'm not perfect. and remember i'd do the same for you.
i don't mind getting my hair mussed up, and i don't mind you mussing up my hair. i like jumping in puddles after the rain and i adore pillow fights. there's no need to worry about me complaining that you watch ESPN too much, because i'd probably be watching it along with you and cheering just as loud.
i hope you'll still be dying to show me off to the world when i'm wearing my favorite tee that's 3 sizes too big, and my old, faded, stretched-out-of-shape jeans. i hope that if i happen to walk past you and your friends, you'll turn and tell them, "...that's her."
i'd love to go for walks in the rain with you. if we pass your favorite celebrity on the street and you are too shy to go ask for an autograph, i'll go get it for you. i'll give you backrubs when your back hurts, and i won't call every 5 minutes to ask who you're out with or what you're doing when we're apart. i promise to respect your privacy, and give you the space you need.
please know that although i might act cold and detached on the outside sometimes; and try to act like i don't want you, the truth is i'm crazy about you and...i need you. i'm just scared of losing you. i might be too shy to kiss you at first, but please don't be afraid to kiss me. i won't slap you or push you away. i'm sure your kisses will be perfect. when we go on a date, don't stress about where to take me; what's important is that i'll be with you.
if i cry, please know that it isn't because of you; just hold me close, and i'll heal quickly. and, if it is because of you, i'll heal just the same. if i ever hurt you, please know that i never meant to, and let me know what i did wrong so i can make it up to you.
and if we ever decide to break up, please understand that although it will hurt and i may be bitter for a while, i'd still very much like to remain your friend if you'll let me. i promise to remember that you have feelings too, even though you'll never admit it, and when you are ready we'll have a friendship.
please tell me if anything i do bothers you, or if something just doesn't sit right. i would like you to always be honest with me. if i have a bad day, i hope you'll shower me with confidence and smiles. whenever you have a bad day, i want you to know that i'll always be there for you.
i hope you don't think that i'm asking too much of you. i hope you understand that i'm a little bit nervous and very scared. i wish i could tell you how or when we will meet, and if we will love each other forever. every relationships is like a new hand of cards, and well--i've never been really good or lucky at cards.
but i can promise that i will be kind, and love you dearly for all that you are, without expecting too much from you. i just want to be happy by making you happy. i'm not going anywhere, so i hope you'll hurry and come find me, because i'll be waiting here, for you.
Love,
Kristy.
20:53
7.6.05
there's only one word for how i'm feeling.
lost.
stuck in a void and yet there's nowhere left to turn; cornered on all sides.
someone, please, tell me this isn't happening.
this isn't happening...
i don't want to cry.
it's only a sign of weakness.
but cry is all i can do--i feel so helpless. and i hate it.
it really hurts...all alone.
i don't want to try looking for a saviour; there's no one who can save me.
scream all you want, no one can hear you.cry all you want; no one cares.i don't want to be haunted by a ghost of something i thought was long gone.
i don't want to be branded for life.
not like this.
--one of us; lion king 2 soundtrackDeception; disgrace
Evil as plain as the scar on his face
Deception [An outrage!]
Disgrace [For shame!]
He asked for trouble the moment he cameDeception [An outrage!]
[
Just leave us alone!]
Disgrace [For shame!]
[Traitor,
go back to your own!]
He asked for trouble the moment he came
Born in griefRaised in hateHelpless to defy his fateLet him run
Let him live
But we do not forgetWhat we cannot forgive And
he is not one of usHe has never been a part of usHe is not one of us
Not our kind
Someone once lied to us
Now we're not so blind
For
we knew he would do what he's doneAnd
we know that he'll never be one of usHe is not one of us
Deception; disgrace
Deception
18:40
5.6.05
was just rooting through my archives.
wouldn't have ever dreamed of doing it, till
penanggg did and told me his take on my chronicled life.
so i decided to see what's so fascinating about colorful languagesand senseless rantings.
i came across this--
"29.2.04 GOD HELP ME.im in a mess here.send someone who understands me like You do so they can help me to understand myself. "i'd forgotten about that prayer.
but God hadn't.
so once again, thanks for being that answer to prayer.
you were that answer, right down to the letter.
you understood me in a way no one ever had before. and you helped me understand myself better than i ever could have alone.
i've gone through this millions of times before--it's nothing new.
still, it's amazing how the pieces of life fit, just like one big jigsaw puzzle.
looking back, i've come so far.
like penanggg [hahaha. it's got a nice ring to it.
peeeeeeenannnggg. haha.] said, my story is a beautiful testimony.
[once again, thanks for the--uh, so-called compliment? haa.]
and God, after reading through the chapters of my life-- i'm left speechless.
You've turned something so normal, fallen so far from grace into a testimony of love, acceptance and forgiveness.
it's just so amazing.
You knew it all along.
i can never understand how. and i honestly have no words to speak, words are so limiting. all i have is this feeling.
so Jesus, thanks for everything. all the good and bad.
i believe every person has a story. and every christian's a beautiful testimony for God. everybody has their own demons to conquer, their own battles to win.
we'll all win them one day, and someday we'll sit down and tell our victories to each other.
then we'll see the whole big picture, the intricate pattern, how all our lives are woven together by His hand, how our paths cross and how we're all connected; to form that beautiful tapestry that's all about Jesus.
anyway--
i finally finished the lyrics i was working sooo hard on.
sweat and blood and all i got was this lousy song.
this is dedicated to you; you know who you are.
now i just gotta do the hard part--filling in the tune.
when i only know 6 pathetic chords.
BLAH.
[Sacrifice And Third-Degree Burns]i'm sorry i wasnt what you wantedbut i'll hold you till i fall
things would be different if i wasnt mea smoking gun and
burns of the third degreetell me im just dreaming of
a world in black and white
[wake me when it's over]you;
you are
my secret denied;you are the promises i lied;
[you are my sweet sacrifice]and i promised i'd hold you till i--
fall into me and
whisper my name;
trespass sweetly urged;
you kill me again.
im sorry i wasnt what you wanted
but
i'll hold you till i fall.
i promise i'll hold you till i fall.
i
watched you incinerate my lifewith
my heart over your altar to melt the ice;
hold your gun to my headand kiss me goodnight[wake me when it's over]the things i gave to love you insteadthe voices; they laugh inside my head
[all the things i never said]and still i hold you till i--
fall into me and whisper my name;
trespass sweetly urged; you kill me again.
im
sorry i wasnt what you wantedbut i'll hold you till i fall.
i promise i'll hold you till i fall.
im sorry i know i wasn't what you wanted
im sorry
i can't kill what we never startedthis is
the last time i make a promiseso numb for so long; still i fell for this
you don't love me the way you do
[im sorry i know i wasn't what you wanted]but i'll hold you till i fall
[im sorry i can't kill what we never started]you don't love me the way you do[this is the last time i make a promise]but i'll hold you till i fall
[so numb for so long;]still i fell for thisstill i hold you till i-- fall into me and whisper my name;
trespass sweetly urged; you kill me again.
im sorry i wasnt what you wantedbut i'll hold you till i fall.i promise i'll hold you till i fall.
[im sorry i wasn't what you wanted]i promise i'll hold you till i fall
[im sorry i wasn't what you wanted]i promise i'll hold you till i fall
[im sorry i'll never be what you wanted]i promise i'll hold you till i fall.
18:08
4.6.05
this is just a notice.actual blog entry is below this one. fallen sick.
again.
with a really bad cold this time, and a bit of a temperature.
uhhh.
this sucks.
anyway, this is just an announcement to inform you all that by monday, 6th june, my
blog URL will be changed to http://www.spazz-dysfuncktional.blogspot.comso those nice people who linked me to your blogs--please make the changes yeah? thanks y'all. (:
end of notice.
16:50
3.6.05
every long lost dreamled me to where you are.others who broke my heartthey were like northern stars,pointing me on my wayinto your loving arms.this much i know is true--that God blessed the broken roadthat led me straight to you. --from
blessed the broken road;
rascal flatts.
this week rocked.
well; sort of anyway.
had this orientation project where we were supposed to bring out something like, the singapore spirit in a skit, powerpoint or whatever.
me and my big mouth.
after reading romeo and juliet and sighing over the script, i opened my stupid frickin' big mouth and suggested we do a singaporean version of it.
the vote carried and i found myself casted as juliet.
who is supposed to be an ah lian.
i can
not act ah lian to save my life.
bleah.
thankfully i wormed my way out of it and larissa [who is much,
MUCH better than me at acting ah lian] got casted instead.
i got the part of benvolio, romeo's cousin, instead.
and therefore i wasn't the one to fall off the table with an extra loud
WHAM when one of the table legs collapsed under during the funeral scene on the actual day in front of
EVERYONE.hahaha.
saddiqi caught that beautiful moment on tape, so after that i was sitting on the floor with colin, the monk and
penanggg going like, play clip, laugh, stop clip, rewind, and rinse and repeat.
nyaks i could do that
forever.
its just so funny.
--and larissa does have quite alotta guts to not like freak and cry after that.
respect, sista..! (:
thanks to all the people in my group for putting up with me and larissa bossing you guys around, directing, screaming orders and pushing you all into cast roles--you guys honestly rock! kudos to y'all! (:
haha. powerrr to the rambutans yeah.
well, i took a nice pic of -ahem,
someone today.
which i feel i shall post up
here for everyone to see.
he will kill me after this; but it's worth it.
this is the real him, without his cap, with cap hair.
nyaknyak.
he was like aaaah no don't take it kristy aaaaah go away go away don't you dare take it.
evidently i did dare.
and i got this nice pretty shot where he was pointing his finger at me telling me to stop it.
lol.
went to the poly with
penanggg to sign up at the CCA fair for my CCAs, because i just couldn't be bothered to do it on thursday.
and partly also because i forgot there was such a thing as a CCA fair.
thanks john [
see, i didnt use
penanggg :p hehe]--you really didn't have to follow me all the way to dover to just watch me sign a few slips of tatty papers. you didn't have to laugh with me at lame comics and pretend to be amused either. and you didn't have to stick around with me waiting for the dance class to start which i eventually didn't go to; but you did--and i
really appreciate it!! (:
and without your expert navigational skills [how the
HECK do you do it without a map] i'd probably still be lost in SP about now.
went to the library.
i have never seen a bigger and more
shit BORING library in my entire life.
5 levels, and 95% books on bioengineering
[how to make green chickens] and interior design
[how to build a tiny staircase to nowhere on your desk] and no really good reads.
bleah.
also saw this old fat geezer on the way out of the poly with his shirt rolled up all the way to his neck and his big belly sticking out and we were like ... -.-"
lol.
dont see
that in every school now do ya.
well.
had an awesome day today--fun; aaand i signed up for both adventure club and hip-hop dance.
adventure club's organizing an expedition to
BERKELAH!!whoohoo.
i can't wait; i miss that place.
memories...memories of good times; life was so much better back then...
school doesn't look
THAT bad anymore.
except for having to wake up at 0600.
23:09