welcometoDieEiende.

navigations ~~are the wo~~ --nyah, go find them yourself.

in the blackness of your feelings
how red the rivers run;
drawn from your wrist,
silk silent screams--
let darkness overcome.

from sorrow, to pain, to metal
and rush of sweet release.
feel your soul melt,
rip your canvas;
let these chains set you free.

broken-winged dove, draw closer
and be born into the night.
let darkness free you,
sweet addiction bind you,
let surrender your soul light.

call to the dark, the dark will answer;
from your altar you will rise--
beautifully broken,
deathful resurrection,
angel of blood and knife;
unending sacrifice.

red rush; by ~~moi~~.

29.10.05

played basketball today with karjun, sam, vinny, dex, and a few other guys.
mostly karjun, sam and dex.
now im totally shagged out.
i haven't sweated so much in weeks.
i haven't played basketball in months.
but it feels good.
and i managed to sink a decent number of shots; i guess i haven't lost it.
(:
went around stealing food from the other cells who were standing around barbecueing.
though i shouldn't have; my sore throats protesting now.
.. aaahh. who cares.

damn my sister.
she made me catch her flu.
just before i get back to school.
bah.

i have never been so eager to get back to school before.
im no longer counting the days i have left to party; im counting down the days left till school starts up again.
if i don't watch out, i might start toeing the line that seperates the nerds from the rest of fully conscious, self-aware, and aware-that-a-world-actually-does-exist-outside-of-books [yes, it's called REALITY. hear of it before? good. you're one of the lucky ones.] part of humanity.
aaargh. can't wait till monday, 7.30am.
hope nothing cocks up till then.

though this month--the time alone has been good for me too.
i guess it's given me time to take back my life.
i kinda lost it when i found john.
not that it's a bad thing--i'm just not that good at balancing.
but now i've got time for friends too, and now that my days aren't taken up by him, everyday, there's actually people asking me out almost everyday.
maybe it was there all the while; i was just too blinded to see it at the time.

before this, it was john everything.
can't make it, im going out with john.
sorry, i promised to call john.
i might be late, me and john are catching a movie.
stuff like that.
now, though, i got time for ME, too.
and for my friends.

this month made me realise that my world doesn't revolve around him.
he's a big part of it, yeah, and i'm glad he's in it.
but he's not the center of it.
it's my life, after all.
i'm my own person, and i got a life to live out.
with or without him, it's gonna go on.
and i have to live for me.
if there's ever a day that he isn't there, then it won't crash so bad.
when school picks up again, i'm not gonna lose what i've got going now.
im taking back my life.

anyway, no one said that love means you can't ever spend a moment apart. (:

22:46

27.10.05

i just went to get my hair done.
what a ripoff; 35 bucks for one miserable light blonde streak down the front.
and my hair isn't even long.
-sigh.
there goes my allowance.

i miss john.
he went to malaysia today with his dad and [yuck] mom.

things only seem to be getting worse.
so when is this shit going to end?
someone please shake me hard so i can wake up from this.
only a few days away, and things screwed up again.
and worst of all, it's something we can't change.
don't tell me it's not meant to be.
im not listening.

Hand in mine, into your icy blues;
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too;
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets.

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me.
And after all the things we put each other through and
I would drive on to the end with you.
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running.

But this time, I mean it.
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me.
As snow falls on desert sky,
Until the end of everything,
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean.
As days fade, and nights grow;
And we go cold.

Until the end, until this pool of blood,
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of--
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean.
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold.

But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean.
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every--
All we are, all we are
Is bullets; I mean this..

As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever.
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever.
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one,
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun.

And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood;
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down;
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down;
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood;
I'll meet your eyes,
I mean this;
Forever.

demolition lovers; my chemical romance.

18:06

23.10.05

yay.
new skin.
made it because he calls me his pussycat.
and also because i just like the layout.
never thought the red could actually suit-- it looks too blinding at first.
grows on you after a while too.

and i think it really suits my personality.
(:
hahaa. bold, outstanding and almost too in-your-face to stand.
anyway.
just a short update.
school's starting in a week.
i have a headache and a flu.
i miss john.
im sleepy.
my cross-stitch seems to be taking forever.
my homework is half-done and i dont want to touch it anymore.
--i can't wait for school to start.
this holiday is so yawn-inducing.
yawn-fest.
speaking of which i just yawned.
hmms.

if anyone knows any website where you can upload music which are NOT midis and are NOT from i-webtunes, then please let me in on this goldmine of good beats.
thanks.
tagg to let me know h0w the new skin's keeping with you guys.
(:

16:42

20.10.05

somewhere out there,
beneath the pale blue night,
someone's thinking of me,
and loving me tonight.
somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
then we'll find one another,
in that big somewhere out there.

and even though i know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing
on the same bright star;
and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping
underneath the same big sky.

somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together,
somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.

22:18

4.10.05

never in forever i dreamed this would happen.
the worst thing, it's not us that's tearing us apart.
and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

but we can hold on.
i will.
i'll ride this out, somehow.
as long as we keep trying, keep waiting, keep holding on...we'll be okay.

i know i can't be with you now.
i know i can't hold you, or even just be next to you to give you something to hold on to.
but you know my heart's with you.
it always has been, since i met you.

it's not going to be easy.
along the way we'll both feel like giving up. while we're waiting the night will seem endless; it will seem like we're waiting for a dawn that will never come.
but it's there.
just beyond.
just a bit more.
just ahead, around the corner; where you can't see it--
but it's there.
i promise.

i know i told you i don't hope, because it's only an illusion.
but i'm hoping now.
because hope's all that's left.
hope--
and the love we share that i know is stronger than anything else, anything that comes at us and rips us apart.
it's a hope worth believing in.
it's a love worth fighting and dying for.
because this time it's not just a mirage.

and when the time seems too long, when it all seems to melt together till you can't tell the seconds from hours, the hours from days--
look around you.
look at all the things i gave you.
remember all the times we shared.
think of all the words i said, the promises i made--i meant every one.
i'm right there with you, arent i?
i'm there.
don't ever stop believing.
dont ever let go.
we'll make it.
sweetheart...
i love you.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of me as your wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And Im praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

'Cause I miss you,
body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
you know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

--daniel bedingfield, if you're not the one.

23:55

i~~n et~~ernity.
kristy gammell.
eurasian.
050988.
MDIS, mass communications.
borderline emo-kid in denial.
wannabe rockstar.

in life.
adriaan louw.
a good, hard, strong beat; rock music.
the darker side.
pyromania.
nicotine, alcohol and caffeine.

in death.
homework and everything to do with dynamics of mass comm.
the color pink.
overprotective parents.
her stupid fats that won't go away.