13.1.06
i've never been more grateful to talk to a so-called jerk.
talking with zh last night made me realise more things about me than to help him find a solution to his problem. [although yeah, i guess we sort of sort it. i think.]
thanks, dude.
(:
never before has a jerk actually made me grateful for a boyfriend like mine.
last night made me realise how rare guys like john are nowadays--and how lucky i am to have him.
i mean, i knew he was hard to come across, being a nice guy and all..
but it wasn't till last night that i appreciated the value of what i have.
and how different he is, how special.
and also how selfish i've been lately.
it could have been me last night talking, i swear; and it wasn't till i complained to john that i realised zh's just like me, sometimes.
my own words in someone else's mouth--
how i hated the sound of it till i realised that it was myself i'm complaining about.
but i'm glad it hit me last night, rather than when you pack up and leave me that i finally get up the guts to face myself.
it's always taken that much for me; but not this time, thank God.
zh, i'm eternally grateful.
i know i was less than tactful last night, or nicely honest.
but your humility in taking that showed me something i was missing in myself.
i've never been ready to admit i'm wrong, ever.
even more so to someone i barely know.
but you could.
i guess you ain't half bad.
:p
made me realise that for all of how i was dissing you..
you still were better than me some ways.
thanks for teaching me that lesson--though i guess you didn't mean to.
im glad i see it now.
better late than never.
(:
12:25
10.1.06
went shopping that day.
i hate shopping.
for an organizer.
i hate organizers.
well in the end it turned out i didn't get one cause' all they had was shitty coloured, large ones big and thick enough to knock someone's lights out if you whammed them hard enough with it.
so why am i blogging about some shitty, uneventful shopping trip for
organizers, of all things?
good question.
i dont know.
i dont care.
because i haven't blogged in forever, and i just felt like irritating the online world with senseless rantings.
well, maybe.
anyway.
the trip wasn't that bad because i went with my
family.(:
if i left it at that, i'd probably think i've gone insane and shoot myself and what's left of my poor mind than to leave me to the horrible mercies of obedience, acquiescence and good-offspring-ish-ness.
but
family means
parents.
(:
if i left it here, i'd make myself die a terrifying, torturous death. but it gets better.
because
parents mean
money.money that's more than what i had in my wallet.
we ended up buying some new shirts from U2.
yay for new clothes.
and i managed to buy a nice black organizer yesterday.
and yes, i actually use it.
want to shoot me yet?
please, use
my gun.
i
insist.
21:02
1.1.06
[[how to be perfect.]]i'll trade my soul for your black and white photograph.
i'll be her till i fade.
and soon, this picture won't be enough.
you don't know what the hell i want
--and i know you don't want me.
cut me out;
i'll be your black and white paper doll.
give me a minute--
i'm chaining myself to the wall.
sew up my mouth
ignore the blood
because it doesn't hurt at all.
when im trapped in
i can tell wrong from right;
and i promise
i won't come to hurt you tonight.
so what game do you want to play today?
i'm whatever you want me to be.
i know what it looks like, it's okay;
paper hearts, they feel no pain.
and i'll be good; i promise.
cut me out;
i'll be your black and white paper doll.
give me a minute--
i'm chaining myself to the wall.
sew up my mouth
ignore the blood
because it doesn't hurt at all.
when im trapped in
i can tell wrong from right;
and i promise
i won't come to hurt you tonight.
and i promise;
my blinded heart will not make you cry.
i promise that this time;
i'll be good.
--to you. don't leave me. i won't hurt you anymore, i'm sorry. .. i love you.
03:17
