28.2.06
i feel so mixed right now.
like black forest chocolates and prawn crackers in a fruit bowl.
just, out of place in me.
all those mixed emotions.
its like a mint ice cream root beer float.
[yes, i'm hungry.]
sometimes, i just feel like screaming at you.
how could you do this?
seriously, how could you?
it's not like i can't take it.
i was born a fighter.
i had my share of pain--but you missed most of that.
there were so many other things you had to do..
do you remember what you did.. or know just what you've missed?
and
do you care about what i have to say?you took my innocence away and i never had a chance--you broke me in with your mistakes.. well, thanks for the breakthrough, but you won't bring me down.
you took my innocence away.but..
i know the best of me stayed. in spite of that..
i miss you.
i know i'm still nuts about you.
and for that, i know i'm nuts.
i found that box of letters..
the ones you used write me before..
heh.
i even got a papercut, trying to figure out what to do with all these memories.
remember all those hours laughing on the floor?
those days of doing nothing--
well, i don't need those tote bags or that money.
i'd trade them for a message that says you called.
and
you're not who you used to be.. wonder where you've gone.
have you fallen in a black hole, or something?
like, somewhere there's a universe of missing stuff.
what happened to the good times..
what happened to all the moments where we had so much?
hai.
and i gotta say, im ashamed that sometimes i feel just like you.
i hate you for taking that innocence away from me.
i hate you for saying that innocence meant nothing, when it was all i had to give, and i gave it to you.
i hate you for saying i lied.
i hate you for doing all the above, for lying about me to me, to yourself..
i can't find a trace of the guy i love in all that.
and i've got time to watch you spin around in circles and fall through the cracks inside your mind.
i've been through the darkest hour and made it to the other side of you.
and seeing that,
i can live without you.you're high, thinking you're invincible, all busy building your castles in the sky.
you're done. and you dont even know it.but your eyes have started showing through.i can see it.
and inside, that part of me that hates you--it lives for the day that you will be desperate, and dying inside.
it lives for the tears to fall down your face.
it lives for the confession you finally make, in the end.
but im not going to let it take over me, not going to let it control me, consume me till i forget how to love. how to care, how to be fair and just.
how to be a person. how to be human.
i'll just let it go, and forgive. and forget. and i'll still love you. and i won't let my anger get in the way of that.
because
i'm not like you. and i can remember..
i should've known that day we met.
i'll never forget the way you turned and smiled and waved at me.
8 months later, who would've guessed that we would make it this far, just to put it all away.
if it's alright with you, i just.. i'll stay until it's late here.
until you tell me that its time that we moved on.
and if it takes all night,
i'll wait here till the daylight comes, so that i can see that we just don't belong.
i guess
its alright if we were wrong.and i know i love you.
happy 8th month anniversary, sweetheart--well; it would've been.
16:02
17.2.06
friends,
kristy gammell died on the 15th of February, after having truly lived for a short but wonderful 7 1/2 months.
if you miss me--
tell him to bring me back to life.
we've practised a lot, and he knows how.
tell him to save me from the fire.
it's angry, it hates me and it's burning me up.
the same fire that once burned with love for me.
i don't want to stay in this hell.
tell him to rescue me, like he always has before.
but only after the fire has burned away every last trace of me.
burn me away.
and like a phoenix, new life rising from the ashes--
my new life will start with trying to win him back, somehow. my new life will start with him.
my new life will start in Him.
but in the resurrection, i won't be the same kristy that you knew.
that kristy is never coming back.
and no one will regret her leaving.
because the new kristy is the real kristy, the one that's been in hiding behind an impostor, from this world for so long.
john, thank you for forcing me to bring me back.
i love you.
and i'm waiting.
08:18
