19.4.06
i'm sleeping my way out of this one with everyone who will lie down.
and i'll be stuck fixated on one star as my whole world crashes.
the only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that i don't know.
i'm having another episode-- i just need a stronger dose.
i keep telling myself i'm not the desperate type, but you got me looking through the blinds.
and i'm sitting out dances on the wall, trying to forget everything that isn't you.
i don't want to go home alone.
i don't do well on my own.
you're the only place that feels like home.
but just so you know? you'll never know. some secrets weren't meant to be told.
i'm sorry, my conscience called in sick again.
and they called me carved out of stone.
but for what i've become, i only feel more alone.
i weigh what i've lost against what i've left, and the progress report: i'm missing you to death.
alguien viejo, nadie nuevo, sintiendose pedido prestado; siempre usted.i know i'm messed up, dropping "i'm sorry" like you're still around. i'll never live this down.
you're the boy all the girls want to be with.
me?
the girl who's had too many chances.
i don't blame you for being you. but you can't blame me for hating it.
so write me off, give up on me. darling, what did you expect?
i'm your "lost cause".
so don't even take this bet.
you can make all the moves that make up for the silence..
get all the moans and sighs just right.
you said you'd keep me honest; but i won't call you on it.
we never stood a chance and i'm not sure if matters.
i know this hurts.
it was meant to.
your secret's out and it isn't even a good one.
right now it's mind over-you-don't-matter.
i used to obsess over life. now i only obsess over you.
so tell me you'd like girls like me better, lying in the dark on top of you.
this has been said so many times that i'm not sure if it matters.
18:38
16.4.06
yay, school tomorrow.
im so looking forward to it.
NOT.
gah, memories.
as if my own home isn't enough; that place is chock-full of happy memories.
i don't think i can handle this.
i'll probably break down sobbing in the middle of a microstation drawing.
--and to think that 2 months ago, i was raring for school to start.
now i never want to hear that damned word again.
ever.
this sadness isn't the normal blue color that they paint un-smiley faces with.
its purplish-black, with a bit of dark blue.
that's the only way i can explain it.
and if i could stop the sands in the hourglass; you know i would.
but time and tide wait for no man.
and the seconds fly mercilessly on.
that's why in my heart, in that place i keep just for us..
that mansion full of all the happy memories and all our smiles, our laughs, the good tears, our hugs, our kisses and all the nights we held on through..
all the things that made us who we were together, untainted and unchanged by all the bad, kept safe through forever. it's the one place where time can't ever touch.
and the only good thing about the past is that nothing can ever change it.
just the smiles, not knowing or recalling any of the bad, in that time before anything bad happened.
when we still knew how to love, and believe.
and in that special place.. you and me, we'll always be together.
why else would i choose to spend my days living there now?
--in my world of make-believe, do you ever think of me?
16:03
14.4.06
you can't avoid the inevitable.
what if you're like cigarettes; an addiction that i got to kick?
well--what if you really are like cigarettes?
i can kick you.
i just don't want to.
love is an angel who lifts you up in his wings to fly by piercing your heart with arrows and dangling you on it. the higher you fly, the more gravity pulls, the more it rips you and the more it becomes a damned long way to fall.
a close friend whom i respect said that love's a double edged sword. but at the end, that's all you have left.
if that's all i'll be left with, though, i rather live without it and be left with nothing.
just emptiness--even that's preferable to the pain that love can bring.
without love, they say you can never truly live life the way it's supposed to be.
well i've loved, lived, and lost.
and i think i've gone through enough pain already.
i've had enough.
13:31
11.4.06
two dumb cats are getting their rocks off outside my window for about 20 minutes now.
meh, real great background noise for blogging.
"miiiiaaaao.
MIIIIAAARRROOWWAARR.
miiiiaaOOOWWrrr. meeeeeeeeOREeeeeerrWAR.
MREEEEEEOAWARARRRR.
mreEEEEeeeEEEEaaaaAAAAAAWWrrrrrrrROAWR."
at least that's how it sounds, phonetically. with slight variations in pitch and a bit of complaining and scratching from the female cat.
oooh, rough sex.
i must be bored.
sometimes, i look back on my life and wonder who, or more likely, what the hell i've become.
i used to adore barney and friends, big bird from sesame street, have a care bear cupboard and wanted everything, the whole world if possible, to be in shades of baby pink, pastel cream-yellow and light blue.
now, i sing songs about taking a bomb to barney and no more purple dinosaur.
the only character i adore from sesame street now is oscar and cookie monster. [because i love cookies too.]
i hate light blue, i detest any form of yellow and i want to fucking MURDER anyone wearing baby pink.
now that i've mentioned fucking, i never even said the word shit till i was in sec 1. in sec 2 i graduated to hokkien sexual slang.
in sec 3 the word fuck was my basic noun, verb and adjective.
i was all sunshine and smiles when i was 4 years old, and all i wanted was to grow puffy angel wings and fly. i'd come deathly close to scratching the eyes out of the girl who tried to steal the strap-on white cardboard rings and pipe-cleaner halo from me in kindergarten.
i guess that's when my dark side showed through a little.
because now i'm still fascinated with all things that hold something dark.
all the little things in life that people don't take the time to explore and appreciate, and if they do, are called plain freaky.
another word would be "dark".
the beauty of the night, the silence, the darkness. with the color black because it's an anti-color.
if i still had to be an angel, i'd be anti-cupid; breaking up hearts and couples in the wrong relationships instead of being a chubby naked baby with wings and bow.
if i had to play a role in a LOTR-type movie, i'd be a rogue dark elf who left the bad side for love, to fight on the frontlines of the good; the mysterious, cold one with an aura of evil, the one with the constant internal struggle of being as bad as good can be.
the dark one with a soul that no one can understand.
the darkest of the angels.
the shadow in the light.
some shit like that.
if i had to paint my soul a color, it'd be a sort of mesmerizing, purplish-black.
not evil, but irresistably, fascinatingly dark.
the kind that draws you in till you get all tangled up in me and if you leave, with a un-erasable trace of that color painted on your life's portrait.
you'll never be the same again; those who dare venture into the darkness of my soul to discover me. and just like me, you'll never regret it.
im dark, i know, and beautifully so.
im proud of who and what i am now.
for all the shit im writing here about myself; you can judge me for it, i don't care. because people who judge aren't worth my time.
but those who know me, really know me, will understand. and will tell you for all my darkness, i can still be your angel.
do you dare?
and to think--i loved big, rainbow-colored, heart-shaped, impossible-to-finish lollipops when i was a kid.
19:07
2.4.06
john's been typing a lot of intellectual stuff lately.
and seriously, sometimes one needs an effing dictionary to read a single post. bleah. maybe he should add a link to dictionary dot com, or something.
anyway im feeling the pressure. [weird for a slacker, i know. lol.]
so here's my intellectual word for today.
RECTIFY (RACK-tee-fie)--to fix whatever shit that's broken or screwed up. spoken word has close ties to the spoken word rectal [ie, rectal thermometer].
yay me.
now you have a new word.
anyway. im gonna go into one of my random rant-musing-thingies here.
wheeeee.
so don't sue me, because i only do this when im having a bad headache and am too tired to think.
so treat this as you would treat a rare million dollar artefact.
also because im poor and the most you'll get out of me is a measly ten bucks. so fuggeddahboudit.
(:
unless you actually are going to treat this as a rare million dollar artefact. then that would solve the poor problem.
(:
but then you'd sue me. so i'd be poor again.
yeah.
):
i think the world isnt getting any better. [rocket scientist genius, eh?]
i mean.. look around you. the world's full of pain. of course it has its good moments. there's good moments everywhere if you look hard enough, i guess. but there's more pain than anything in this world.
we go to war, for peace. it's like going to and ice cream stand to look for a full six-course dinner.
[unless you do have ice-cream for dinner. then you'd not only be weird, but you'd also be a fat bastard. (: ]
we judge people by the color of their skin, the way they look, or smell, or dress. if we were all the same color, all looked pretty damn ugly or fat, all took regular baths, and all stripped down--would we still discriminate? i hope not, but inevitably, humanity will always find a way to screw it up. we've done it for centuries. i doubt we'll stop screwing up anytime soon.
we judge, we label people, sometimes for life, without stopping to see their side of the story, how they feel, or trying to understand them. sometimes we're so shut up in our own little world that we can't see. sometimes the things they do or say piss us off so much, we shoot first and then ask questions when they are all dead. if we even care to ask at all. do we regret after that? even if we do, pride is human nature, and we hate to cover the guilt up. we all hate being wrong.
we hate, and we don't forgive. even if we do, we hardly forget. we hate for years over it, hating till it eats us up and the only thing we know how to do is hate, to live, to survive.
love is overrated.
i should know.
i don't want to talk about love in detail, because it's lame and i'll probably end up writing a damn novel, but i'll say this much: human emotion is fickle--who's to say forever? after all, it's not like we own it.
but we love as long as we can. and for better or worse, love never dies. and for that, it's often more of a bane than blessing.
shut up the floodgates tight, and you'll never have to hurt again.
humans will fail you. every single one. that's life. and everyone in life will hurt you--you just have to figure out which ones are worth the pain.
i've figured out mine.
and i'd rather keep my love for you alive by slipping under than to love another and let time erase you out.
let me drown in this coldness that's taking over me. it actually feels good; to be all numb like this.
let me go cold to keep it burning; you're the angel from my sweetest nightmares.
let me stay this way--heartbreakingly cold, and beautifully broken.
did you know you created a work of art?
and this time the numbness brings some sort of bittersweet warmth. a darker sort of security, i guess. knowing for sure that the future will hold no more pain. no feeling either.
feeling only for you.
i can smile now; one i don't mean, of course-- its too cold to cry inside.
but when it comes to you, it's all different.
my smiles are real, though i never smile without pain. my love is real, though it's a cold kind of fire now, it burns stronger.
i hope you can settle for this love i have for you.
loving you from the darkest, secretest parts of my heart no other has ever been to.
suddenly i realise there's so much more to me, more to love; because of you.
to the world, i play a cold, calculating, underhanded game.
fuck it.
i know where my loyalties lie.
and i'll cling tight to that loyalty, it'll keep my heart beating when i drown in my soul, never fighting against the emptiness that drags me down.
i know i can't survive your alterego.
i can barely survive my own.
21:02
