14.8.06
poem.
(evidently, at 5am i am too tired to think of a cool blog title.)
out of all the sorrows that fall uncalled for from above,
and if he could choose but one,
it would be the pain he feels
in her phantom arms
when he knows her love.
so far away, and yet so close
her love cures all his hurt,
and how; this love, this distance--
throws him to his knees in the dirt;
to fall before the rose.
barely hidden among the common,
she stands out in a sea of red--
drooping her proud head
to hide her battle-weary marks,
all her petals torn and marred
by careless, pillaging hands;
and whispers, "my name is Tainted."
but he smiles, "what unconditional love,
in my eyes, what purity."
her scars which are her deathwish,
in his hands turn to beauty--
in the power of human emotion
to love such an unloved thing.
bruised and battered flower,
proud angel with broken wing;
he sees the light behind your darkness,
he loves strength behind your weakness,
will you not love him and believe?
would not a rose by any other name
even shattered and in shame
still smell just as sweet?
would not a tattered, white rose
with loving care, after a fall
open up to be the most beautiful of all?
04:47
10.8.06
meet-weird-people day.
i realise the last post was kind of emo.
but now that i'm in a better mood i'll update on the shiny happy stuff.
was on my way to school after waking up an hour late or so (again).
i guess it was meet-weird-people day because a few stops after i got on, these two freakin' gay chicks came on.
i say gay chicks because they aren't exactly chicks.
like urgh.
not that i'm some homophobe.
but being female, it is rather disturbing to see a male--and two, at that--with exactly the same top assets as you?
probably bottom too, but i don't even want to go there.
--okay, benefit of doubt. the could be female.
female freaks of nature with reeeally LARGE noses and XL-sized shoulder with and extremely muscular legs and extremely stiff.. "boobs".
not that i was staring but seriously, you can't help it when some.. thing, is wearing a shirt that would be more functional as a tourniquet and a skirt sooo effing short you can see up her--er, its.. yeah.
i know im being mean, but im prettier. does that give me condescendal rights?
(okay so i do have a largish nose. but my shoulders are at least proportionate for the female species. my boobs are perfectly non-siliconed and natural. and i am not 6fuckingfeet tall.)
as if that's not enough.
on the other train (stupid transport system, i have to take a bus and train AND train to get to school) i was desperate for a seat.
desperate enough to brave two sweaty, stin--er, weird-smelling indian men sitting on my left.
and the wind was blowing in the wrong direction.
like thanks.
so i kept leaning toward the chinese couple next to me on the other side.
--yes, i know i sound like a racist. im not. who the fuck likes BO, except for some sick fetishists?
mercy of God, the chinese people get off the train. two empty seats.
and i keep thinking, should i move? i dont want them to feel bad, but like, gag-choke-gag.
too much thinking for too long.
another indian couple comes in and also sits down.
so if X = black and x = me; therefore:
X X x X X
and im wondering, is it just me or is the air not circlulating right?
fuck, dont breathe, dont breathe.
on the way back, walking to dover's train station, i ran into some poseur goth-punk-emo person with braces, eyeliner, a perpetual scowl and that paul-twohill-ish i'm-so-cool-because-my-hair-is-blinding-my-left-eye emo kid hairstyle.
i thought he was paul twohill. almost.
unfortunately he was not.
unfortunately because, 1, i cannot smash his face in, or would have done so, and 2, this means that there is actually more than one retard out there buying into that ridiculous hairstyle.
yes i know this makes me sound like some stereotype-hating, homophobic racist.
so shoot me.
the world's come to an end anyway.
11:39
8.8.06
old, broken sneakers.
its raining outside my window right now.
pretty heavily.
after tonight it feels like everything was broken, under virtual covers.
the perfect dream of everything being alright, picked apart into nothing.
reality check.
the flowers on my table seem dead, fading.
your words today that i would've killed to hear any other day now just seem like lies. i dont even want to look at them again.
your words before seem like a distant dream.
or a piece of art that used to be perfect. now the canvas is ripped and all im left with is shreds of my wishful thinking.
i just feel so used by you.
maybe you didn't mean to. neither did i.
so are you just like all the rest?--that's the question.
because history repeats, all through life, just the same way.
what's the lesson that i must learn?
to trust and give freely and learn how to fall, or to not trust or give freely at all, and leave while the lights are still on?
i just feel like you are just the same.
just the same way you take me, use me, and then toss me aside.
am i just someone for everyone else's own gain?
i'm a wellspring in the desert, and they just come in seasons and drain the water, then you, my last hope; you take and go and i run dry.
deep down inside i'm still alone.
waking up from the perfect dream, the cold light of reality strikes with bitter pain.
i'm still alone.
i thought you'd come to change all that.
i know i'd changed it for you--but what about me?
i'm still alone.
or is it just not your fault at all..
am i just stuck here because deep down inside, i choose to be, just to be safe from you?
stuck inside my re-opened scars.
because i just cannot let go.
which is it?
im afraid to know the answer. and yet because of you, im forced to ask.
01:59
4.8.06
an example of contradiction.
(previous post below) POST EDIT:im starting to wonder if this post was just to let off some steam over the end of us.
i have to lay the ghost of you to rest, john.
i can't stay here like this any longer.
and i have to find a way to let out all the hurt.
i've never said really what i felt because i didn't want to hurt you, or make you mad.
--looking at this post, i guess i never will.
and i sort of regret almost swearing to bloody murder anyone who hugs me, because now no one wants to hug me anymore and i am sad.
):
PREVIOUS POST:read john's blog today.
this only makes up about a sixth of the whole entry--and i don't want to put the whole damn thing here, it's as boring as fuck.
this excerpt already had a hard time trying to capture my attention.
"I see people like that all the time in school, especially in polytechnic, where you have people who think they can speak good English, just because many other persons more adept at Chinese only can manage broken English. They, with all their big mind-boggling dictionary-check-inducing tirade of adjectives, don't know nuts about what it really means to fully command this wonderful language.Keep this in mind. Outstanding English is not about how chim your words can get, but how much you understand its grammar. A dictionary can be on hand anytime you wish, but knowledge of structure can only be indivually developed and honed by practice. Thats what makes it so special."some advice, dahling.
use the skills of your linguistic prowess [oooh, bombastic words. so sue me.] and summarize already.
you're like a korean horror movie. leading its audience round and round the merry bush in ever-widening circles, then jump out and say BOO to yawns and "that's IT?"s all round.
alright, i know what you're gonna say. its your blog, your life, yes, i have no business poking into this thing and i should go fuck myself dry.
maybe i will.
unless you're a self-centered assholic bigot-- [oh dear, big word again. sorry, i rephrase.] -- assholic fucktard, which im
sure you're not..
then your own rules apply here, and to be nice and fair-- this is my blog, my life. you can rant, so can i.
(:
but hey, you're right.
i see people like that in school all the time too.
in fact, i think i know a few.
and i can safely say, damn, i totally understand where you're coming from.
he, with all his big mind-boggling dictionary-check-inducing tirade of adjectives, doesn't know nuts about what it really means to fully command this wonderful language.
outstanding english, i agree, is not about how awesome-sounding your words can get.
just an example. from one of my friends.
he could've just said:
"screw you all, i've updated, NOW will you shut up?"
but, he had to go:
"Due to the adamant insistence
of numerous individuals pressuring me to publish a decent blog entry, as opposed to the substandard smatterings of text I have shamelessly passed off as entries in recent days, I shall now cerebrate with sobriety the words that, in a few minutes, will grace the electronic pages of my online diary."sound familiar, honey?
[PS. john, typo. last sentence. it's spelled
individually.
just in case you'd like some help. (:]
20:10
the things i'll do for hate.
i.
hate.
homework.
i hate, i hate, i hate homework.
i hate it with so much undying passion i'd tie it up and ram it up the arse nice and rough and so hard that it will not be able to sit down for a month and walk properly for a year.
i also hate certain PEOPLE who do not identify themselves properly on my tagboard.
im not gonna say who.
SOMEbody.
[somebody gonna get hurt real bad ha ha ha. okay, not funny.]
SOMEBODY who doesnt identify him/her/itself and just sneaks up on people and hugs them.
i could sue you for outragation of internet modesty at the court of Me, under the law of Me section 57.0921 amendment 9, 999, 999.08, which basically says that you have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you in the court of law.
[in simpler terms, shut up, sit down. im right, and you're wrong. whatever i say goes whatever i go says and whatever i.. er-- and if you argue i will bitchslap you with a large trout till you beg for mercy. mwahaha.]
now to use my telepsychokinetic powers to find the suspect and pass the sentence accordingly.
hrm. who do i know who is such a horny fat bastard that he/she/it sneaks up on random people and hugs them.
could be my cousin's pet dog tequila. but i doubt he can type properly without opposable thumbs and does more of sneaking up to people and humping their legs than hugging them.
it can't be my godbrothers cause they'd sooner hit me with a baseball bat than hug me.
it'd can't be dave because he'd do that too.
it can't be andy because, like a good, responsible citizen of the state of Me, he actually identifies himself.
good boy andy.
-pats andy's head. and gives him a biscuit.
it can't be my sister because what she would go something like "HAHAHA YOU'RE AN IDIOT..! IM TELLING MOMMY..!"
and for the record, stop typing in caps, abi.
don't you know how irritating it is if THIS WHOLE BLOG ENTRY WAS TYPED LIKE THIS..! WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS AT EVERY SENTENCE..! IT'D LOOK LIKE IM PERPETUALLY YELLING..!
OR LIKE IM TRAINING UP TO BE A RINGMASTER ANNOUNCER THING AT A CIRCUS..!
AND USE EXCLAMATION MARKS FOR EVERY DAMN THING AS IF IT'S THE MOST EXCITNG PHENOMENON KNOWN TO MAN..! FOR EXAMPLE..! "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE ELEPHANT IS POOPING..!"
OR AS IF I HAVE TOURETTE'S SYNDROME AND CANT HELP YELLING OUT RANDOM THINGS..! LIKE BANANA..!
IN UPPER CASE..!
WHOOHOO..!
BESIDES YOU COULD NEVER ASK A QUESTION PROPERLY..! FOR EXAMPLE.. "ARE YOU HUNGRY..!" OR "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT..!"
you could get fired for that if you work the counter at Macs.
i think it's either adriaan, or peter.
but i dont recall giving adriaan my blog address.
unless.. OMG, he's a stalker.
you know what i do to people like that, adzy? i tie them to beanstalks and force them to sing "Stalker" by Goldfinger.
in upper case.
with exclamation marks.
but in your case i think i'll opt for throwing large pillows and tossing pre-licked cookies at you. and also setting your hair on fire. (:
and peter, if its you, i will EAT YOUR GUITAR.
mwaahaahaa.
and for tequila, i will wrap a large plastic collar around his doggy dick and make him get so frustrated that he takes to looking at porn, take a large baseball bat and go on a rampage after my assorted godbrothers and dave, give andy more biscuits as a brainwash-incentive to continue identfying himself and conforming to every whim of the law of Me without question, [the things you learn from the PAP, tsk] and shut my sister in a room where she will be forced to be subject to COMPLETE CAPS TYPING ON THE NET..!!!! for all eternity.
so now you know.
don't piss me off.
im dangerous.
and to magnes.
identify yourself.
or ELSE i'll set my army of bird-flu infected chickens on you. rawr.
12:35
getting away with murder.
disclaimer: in no way am i promoting the use of dried half-rotten tobacco leaves. smoking kills. i don't care about that, but maybe you should.my school is 50 football fields big.
and the whole damn place, almost, is a smoke-free zone.
a 150-buck fine if you're caught.
so what does one do when you need a hit really, really bad?
do it the back-door way.
literally.
just out the back gate is the unofficial boulevard of broken cigarette butts.
any delinquent smoker worth his or her packet of fags has been acquainted with the area at least once, and im worth a truckload.
so i went out back to have a smoke alone, and the area was already pretty populated.
until the security guard came.
the security guard who i didn't notice.
the security guard who i didn't notice till too late, and when i did notice, froze up in front of.
with the cigarette still in my hand.
oops.
in a life-or-death situation such as this, it is important that one learns how to use basic instinct and survival skills and intellect to avoid being dumped into a fiery hell for all eternity.
so i looked as pathetically-innocently-scaredly-cute as i could.
and it worked, because he scrapped my student ID number, chatted to me like a good ol' friend i hadn't seen in years, and even tipped me off on where were "safe" places to have a fag.
and then went, "are you an actress? you look like one."
LOL.
the wonders of a short skirt, friendly charm, a good acting ability and, according to adriaan, "it's the smile that sells you are being all cute and innocent and adorable".
yessir, i can't ever do a damn thing wrong.
oops, i mean dang.
tsk.
"damn" is SUCH a fucking vulgar word.
i got away with it this time.
so adzy, will the smile let me get away with murder when you're around?
01:40
1.8.06
screamyourheartout.
"to kill the whitest-looking dove; to hate everything i love."
ever felt so fucking roiled-up inside, if someone gave you a gun you'd just go out on the street and shoot down everyone who passed by you?
assuming you don't run out of ammo.
i need to kill something.
i need to see blood and lots of it, someone else's. all over my shirt.
i need to crush a life, break a heart and feel good about it.
i need to scream.
and drop dead after.
screw the world, i hate everyone.
dont touch me.
13:13
